How to deal with husbands ex-wife on dealings with my family and kids being involved?
I have been married to a wonderful husband for 6 years. He was married before and has 2 kids. When we got together his youngest was 1 1/2. He has an older son and was 5 when we meet and started dating. From the very beginning his ex-wife has always given us problems and wants everything to be her way. She says she wants the best for the kids, does not want to us my husband or for my husband to us her against each other with the kids, but on the other hand she does. When they are with us on the weekend she will call and talk to the kids and she is always asking them if they are bored and are they ready to come home. The kids are getting to the ages that they know what their feelings are and the other night my step daughter was on the phone and I could tell that she was very unconfortable to answer the questions that her mother was asking her. She was sitting next to me so I could hear what her mother was asking her and she just kept looking at me and didn't want to say anything. Her mother is doing what she said that she did not want them to do by using the kids against each of the.
They have joint custody and we have the kids every other weekend and we are scheduled to have the kids over Labor Day weekend. We are always asking what she has scheduled with the kids so that we can put it on our calendar. I 2 1/2 weeks ago asked if she had anything going on and she did not say anything about anything being planned. She is now wanting to split the weekend and have the kids running her and runner there and we would only have the kids for 1 1/2 days. My family had planned on coming to see the kids, because they don't get to see them that often and the only time that they really get to see them because they live 4 hrs away is when we have a family function planned. They had planned on coming down and doing something with all of the grandkids and taking the kids with them to do something for a day. My husband had sent an email to her explaining this and she basically said that her family and my husbands family are more important than my family. She is married now and the kids are constantly going and spending time with his family. She said that my family will never be important to the kids.
My family is very upset and hurt by this. They consider them as there own grand kids and love them to death. I have told my husband that we will not do anything, we will not have family birthday parties and invite the whole families it will be just him and I and our kids that we have together celebrating when they are hear and that they will not be getting any presents from my family if this is the way that she is going to be. I am very hurt about this and it causing problems between my husband and I because he does not want to say anything, because he says that she will not change and that everything has to be about her. She is this way and I just want to ring her neck and throw her to the curb.
HELP PLEASE!!!!!
My Advice: Stop accommdating
My Advice: Stop accommdating HER requests to change schedules. If there is a court order.....follow it. No need to call and see if you can have the kids for your DH's scheduled weekend. You should have never opened the door for her to say that the kids need to be here/there/wherever.
I know you are trying to be nice and co-parent and with sane normal people this can be an amazing thing. However, whne you are dealing with a vindictive ex it never does anything but give them the opportunity to screw up your plans.
This has been a hard lesson for me to learn and between my DH and I we have 3 exes to contend with. 2 of the 3 get treated the way I suggest you start treating BM. The other one is sane and reasonable and we rarely, if ever, go by the court order.
The problem is that sometimes
The problem is that sometimes we open that door expecting the person to be a sane normal person only to find that, nope, it's the same old, same old.
My Daddy used to say "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." So I guess I used to be insane, I kept trying to be pleasant, cordial and considerate. And now that I've realized that I was being insane and decided to stop the insanity ... suddenly BM is claiming I'm not the one playing nice and acting like she's all sweetness and light and suddenly I LOOK like the mean one.
You're right WV2.0, stick to the court order. I just wish ours was finalized!
Not sure where you guys are
Not sure where you guys are all from - I live in the UK - over here, the court order isn't worth the paper it is written on. BM can withold the children any time she likes (even as we are about to go on holiday) and there is never a consequence for her.
:sick:
In the US, you simply take a
In the US, you simply take a copy of your court order and tell the cops to meet you at BMs house or wherever the pick up is. If she's not there with the kids, you have documented proof to nail her for contempt.
To the original poster - Stick to the schedule. Why even ask if she has plans? DH needs to simply tell her, he'll be picking up the kids at the time and location specified in the court order. There's no way to argue there.
Whose family is more important is irrelevant here. Who DH and skids spend time with on HIS time is his business. The sooner you can get DH to straighten that out and stop bending to her every whim, the easier your life will be.
It is your DH's weekend with
It is your DH's weekend with the Skids. He should tell BM to KISS HIS ASS!!!!!
StepDad's family is no more or less important than yours. If BM wants the kids to spend time with StepDad's family she can facilitate it on HER TIME!!!
This is why absolute adherence to the visitation schedule is critical.
When my wife is feeling magnanimous and gives in on the visitation schedule the SpermClan keeps pushing and pushing for more and more until my wife has to jerk a knot in their tails and whack the crap out of them with the Judgement.
Unfortunately she, as of yet, has not learned. She will stay the course and not deviate from the visitation schedule stipulated in the CO. The more stringent she is in enforcement the nicer SpermGrandMa gets. Eventually my wife will make a comment "she has changed", give in on the request to deviate from the visitation judgement then suffer the emotional consequences when SpermGrandMa gets bitchey and pushy asking for more and more.
After the "why can't they treat me with respect and recognize how good a job I have done and appreciate when I agree to give them extra time instead of getting pushy and nasty"......... tears and my holding her while expounding on the genetic deficiencies present in the polluted end of my Skid's gene pool my wife will smack them back in line the judgement and we start the cycle all over again.
My recommendation is don't allow BM to deviate from the visitaiton schedule EVER!!!!!!!!!!
If BM's dog passes away and she wants the kids for the funeral on DH's weekend .... tell her to schedule the funeral on her time! }:)
Of course you will have to be willing to live with the same rules on your end.
Best regards,
We had a similar situation
We had a similar situation with the EXwife and we do not accommodate her trading and what-not anymore. We became her babysitting service and our schedule is hard enough to follow whitout her putting a wrench in things. Our agreement is like yours, we have the kid every other weekend, which isn't a lot especially if you like the kid (in my situation it's 4 days a month too many - because I can't stand my skid)
Our agreement is strictly by the divorce decree and there are no exceptions. You can't go wrong following court orders in this right.
There is NO Trading period
There is NO Trading period when it comes to me and my ex. We tried this for a while but I soon discovered it only worked when it benefited him. And if I ever needed it was always yea we can do it then when the weekend would come he would change his mind and then throw the parenting plan in my face as well as the kids. So no more trading. My days are mine and his are his. Simple as that. I don't do anything special for him and he doesn't do anything special for me. We also had to go back into mediation to do EVERY stinkin holiday. Because even the little holidays were becoming battles. Just assnine if you ask me but it is what it is. I suggest making sure everything is in black and white and on paper. And you have plans sorry but you already have plans.