Help needed.......
I am in my second marriage with a wonderful husband. It is also his second marriage. He brought in 4 children from his previous marriage, I brought in 2 from mine, and we have 1 child together. In our home we have 4 children living with us......1 of my husbands kids, 2 of my kids, and the one we have together. My step son is 15 and came to us last August when his mother kicked him out of the house for problems. I have to say that my whole world has been turned upside down. This child has a huge problem with anger and has a hatred towards women. He acts out to any woman in authority which of course includes me. My husband is a work-aholic which is making things difficult as it is me who is in charge and home with the kids. My step son came to us from a home where his mother just didn't care. There were no rules, no boundaries, no discipline. He could do whatever he wanted when ever he wanted with absolutely no consequences. He came and went as he pleased. He failed school twice. Any time his mother tried to disciplice him he would call in Child Protective Services and have her investigated under fake pretenses. HIs mother divorced again from her second husband and started dating a new guy who did not like my step son and basically made her choose..........so the next thing we knew, we had a kid on our doorstep telling us that his mother had sent "her problem" to his dad. I of course being the mom I am felt so bad for him and took him under my wing which I am now realizing was mistake #1.
When his dad is around he is like an angel. Very respectful, tries to please everyone in the house, does what is expected of him and follows the rules. However as soon as his dad leaves all hell breaks loose. He turns on all of us. Becomes irrate, hurts the other kids in the home, screams at me, calls me names, breaks things. He has made several comments to me that he is the one responsible for the break up of his mothers second marriage and if he can do it to her, he will do it to me. He is all the time talking about how he wished it was just his dad and him and no one else. He doesn't like sharing his dad with anyone. Its a constant battle with him. I have taken everything away from him and still this kid won't quit. He is like a wild horse that needs to be tamed.
His dad backs me up in everything I do when it comes to him and I even have power of attorney over my step son in his dad's abscence something that our state requires for the step parent to be able to parent. My husband has talked to his son til he is blue in the face and has told his son over and over when he is not home I am in charge and he is expected to do what I ask of him (which isn't much 3 small chores in the kitchen). We have the same rules for all the kids who have no problem with what is expected of them. However they are expressing concern about their step brother and feel that it isn't fair he is causing so many problems. They are just as tired of it as I am.
My husband told him that if he hurts another child in the home he will have him arrested for assault on a minor. That quickly stopped that problem but now I have noticed that when he gets mad at me, he goes in their room and takes things, their clothes, socks etc. So we just traded one problem for another. I am now becoming afraid of saying anything to him because he takes it out on my other children.
I have begged my husband to put him in counseling however that just isn't happening and I don't know why. Starting to wonder what my hubby is so afraid of. I am feeling tons of resentment and it is really affecting my marriage. I am about to leave. I hate to because outside of the problems with my step son, my husband and I have an incredible marriage. I feel if I leave, my step son wins. I don't want him to be able to gloat for destroying his dad like that. My husband is starting to panick when it comes to me and is kissing my ass, although I love his attention, he isn't really helping the problem.
I keep reading about "disengaging" but I am afraid if I do that all hell will break loose. My husband treats my bio's as his own and never leaves them out of anything. In fact they are closer to him than their own father. I just feel that by disengagning my husband will not understand because of all the things he does for my kids. I think it will just cause a huge problem. Please help I am desparate for any kind of advice.
I think there's a difference
I think there's a difference between what many SParents on this site are dealing with (rudeness, entitlement, lack of respect, etc.) and what you're dealing with (destructive behavior, assault, theft). I don't think disengaging is really an option for you; if you do, you may very well put your kids and your home at risk.
First and foremost, the other children *must* be protected. You say your DH backs you up on everything that you say/do, which is a good start. Can you get some sort of nanny cam so that DH can actually see the extent of the behavior when he's not around? Then make a very clear plan w/ DH about what SS must do daily and what SS is *never* to do, no matter what. The result of breaking a rule, at this point, must go beyond mere punishment; whether SS and DH like it or not, SS goes somewhere else. If he is allowed to get by with *one* infraction, he will assume you're both full of BS and he has carte blanche to do as he pleases. If BM will not have him, he can go to Job Corp or another relative's house. Once you have your plan of action in place, the two of you present it to SS as a united front.
I so appreciate your comments
I so appreciate your comments and concern for me and my Bsss saftey. Believe me its constantly on my mind and I go to great lenghts to make sure they are safe. I have video and voice recorded alot of the things my SS does while my husband is gone and I have a picture diary of all his chores he leaves undone with time and date stamps on them. I do this to cover myself so that when he lies to his dad, his dad knows. Its horrible I have to go to such lengths but having a brother in law enforcment I have learned how to cover my bootie from liars. My DH knows what he does, has seen it from the video and heard it from the voice recordings. He tries to discipline him but as my husband has said he is afraid to really do anything to him because he knows all the trouble that his BM had with him making false complaints to Child Protective Services. He is afraid that both of my BS will be taken from me by their BF (another story all on its own)........and he doesn't want me to suffer from loosing my kids. I see his point but somewhere he needs to get control. I keep telling him he needs to go back to his mother's house. She created this, she is responsible for it. He cannot save him at this point. However she doesn't want him. He has a grandmother that would gladly take him but with their failing health I just can't see us doing that to them. It is clearly too much for them to handle at this point. I feel like calling the courts and telling them that a child custody order is not being abided by and having the courts remove him and send him back to his mothers but if my DH ever found out it was me, my marriage would be over. I really don't see a solution to this problem. It is ridiculous that a 15 year old is putting his BF through this. My DH said today that his son is proving to him that his BM was right about him. At least he sees it, thank Goodness. He called me today to find out how my morning had gone with his son (which was not good) and just got mad, mad that he is doing this. How did this 15 year old get the upper hand????? Ugh this is soooo difficult for me to watch him manipulate his father like this.