Help with boundaries
This is my first post. I have lurked for months reading all of your posts. I'm not a sm but have been dating a great man for almost a year who is divorced with two kids. I'm a widow with three kids. We have had small issues with the kids here and there but our main problem is bf and his ex's complete lack of boundaries. They pretty much act like they are married but they aren't and haven't been for five years. This finally came to a head a few weeks ago and I broke our relationship off because he saw no problem with how close their relationship is where I asked for boundaries and was told there was no need. Long story short bf has now realized after talking with his family and his bd and sm that him and the ex don't have a healthy relationship and they need boundaries so that we can have a life together and be happy and the kids can still have parents that get along but don't act like the are married but just live in separate homes. He has asked me to help him create a list of boundaries for them and I am lost as to where I should start. I need some realistic boundaries that I can give him. Any help would be greatly appreciated!
Zero contact with each other
Zero contact with each other unless its necessary and regarding the children.
If its not about the children then no contact, period.
If its not necessary (she skinned her elbow - or she's in the emergency room) then no contact.
Contact should normally be less than monthly in my experience.
I agree with OCC with the
I agree with OCC with the HRNYC caveat that it's a bit of a cheek that you draft these boundaries. But I'd say suggest them to him and watch very closely as to whether he is accepting them or just fobbing you off. Then also, watch what happens when the BM objects to them as she undoubtedly will -- quite simply because she will not get why he is suddenly imposing them. Assess carefully if the tide turns and he starts blaming you or feeling bossed around by you via your having been the one to define them. The changes will take some time to bed down, but if he can't even stick to the ones OCC has suggested, it's a bad sign imo.
move on, I doubt he will
move on, I doubt he will stand by boundaries on the turn of a dime.
What do they do that shows
What do they do that shows complete lack of boundaries? Could you give examples?
I think that your SO has
I think that your SO has asked for you do make a list of ground rules and boundaries for the various influences on your relationship is a positive thing. However, he needs to make his own list and the two of you sit together to discuss and meld your lists.
I can suggest a few for you and SO to consider.
1. You and SO are equity partners in life and that makes you each equity parents to any children in your joint home regardless of the biology of those children.
2. The adult relationship at the center of your family comes first. Before his X, before his spawn, and before your Spawn.
3. There will be rules in your home for appropriate kid behavior and both you and DH will enforce those rules on all children in the home regardless of their biology. You and SO sit down and develop those rules then review them with all of the kids. Post the rules in a place where they will not be ignored. Enforce the rules. Make sure that there is at least one very clearly worded rule regarding how children will behave toward the adults in the home/family and another clearly worded rule regarding how the kids will behave toward each other.
4. Neither BM, your X, your SO nor you will make plans that effect either you or SO without the two of you first discussing and agreeing to those plans.
For some more ideas I suggest that you take a look at the Step Parents Bill of Rights which I have included below. Both you and SO are Sparents in your blended family relationship so these should apply equally to both of you.
Step-parent Bill of Rights
1-I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.
2-People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives or husbands, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.
3-I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.
4-I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.
5-I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
6-I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.
7-Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.
8-I will never be treated as an "outsider" in my own home.
9-My husband or wife and stepchildren must treat me with respect.
10-Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.
All IMHO of course.
Good luck.