I know you don't want to hear it again, but yep, let him deal with his and you deal with yours. I work at home and have the same exact situation with me being around the kids more than DH. Same deal, my kids are not perfect, but know I don't tolerate lying or being disrespectful. His kids think they run the world and everything revolves around them. Honestly, when the kids are with me and he is not around they do listen to me and behave for the most part because early on I showed them I meant what I said. If I threatened a consequence it happened. Of course it can't be something that needs to be backed up, like grounding for a week or something, but a simple, go to your room until you can apologize or be respectful or etc. Put the seatbelt on or I'll get out and put it on you myself.... I don't know how old your future SKs are, so can't really say what immediate consequences you could use, but you get the idea. And, when FDH is home, unfortunately, the easiest thing for everyone is let him deal with his and you with yours, even though it might drive you nuts, it won't cause arguments between you and FDH and it is better to explain to your kids that when he is there he is in charge of his kids, it's his responsibility. Also, if you do it that way the kids won't be as quick to resent you or him as "you're not my mom!" or "you're not my dad!" type crap. Of course, there may be times when it is big and yes you do need to both speak, but overall let FDH "reap what he sews".

So you get to be the bad guy while he 'backs you up'? Hell no...DH did this to me early in our relationship and it damaged the relationship big time between Sd16 and I. Trust me...you are in for a long hard road if your parenting styles are this different. Think long and hard before marrying him.

You aren't even living together yet and his kids are with you more than him on his time? Yea, this is a recipe for discontent all around.

You will start to resent your SO for wanting you to be the bad guy while he's super passive Disney guy. Your kids will element his kids. Then him. Then you. His kids will ever sent the ever loving heck out of you for trying to change the dynamic that's been set for ages - discipline? They don't need no stinking discipline. SO will resent you for trying to change him and the way he raises his kids if you push. BM will resent you and SO if he changes his parenting style at all because she obviously agrees her kids shouldn't have consequences.

Ultimately, no one is going to be happy in this situation.

If you want to go for it anyway, I would tell your guy that you can't live with things the way they are so he has some options. Option one, he steps it up and actually parents his kids and backs you up with action and not just words. His kids get rules and consequences that HE follows through on. Option two, he deals with his, you deal with yours and he needs to find alternative babysitting arrangements for his time. Three, you wait until the kids are adults to get married and live together and he still finds alternative arrangements for his kids on his time.

Very short answer: NO. One of you needs to go over to the dark side of the other.

Nope wont work.
My SO parents very similiar to yours. Its a disaster. Dont move intogether.
I moved back out due to lack of discipline and consequences. Wasnt worth the stress.

This has disaster written all over it. Not only will his kids make you miserable and resent your FH but your kids will become resentful too. Trust me, I am living this. My BS was a good kid and minded any adult. He sees SS's get away with everything, refuse to do chores and treat their dad like shit. He asks why they get away with it. I try to explain the he needs to keep being the better person and it will be worth it. DH doesn't help when he hands out cash like its water to the kids who never give him any respect or come see him. I too used to spend more time with the SKids than DH which made me resent him. Now I refuse. If he has to take one kid somewhere he has to take all his kids. I refuse to keep them while I work anymore and have even started leaving to do my own thing when his kids are here. Let him raise them, I tried and was treated like shit by the little evil spawn so I no longer feel it's my duty. You should NOT move in together. I wish I would have known then what I know now. I would have refused to live together until they were all adults.

May I ask why you agree to 'babysit' DFH's kids the 50% of the time they are not with their BM? You state yo have these children while he works and see them more than he does. You aren't married nor live together. Why are you the automatic babysitter especially when FH doesn't back your parenting methods?

Just seems to me that he needs to find his own babysitter for his children that isn't you. You could then stand back and enjoy your time with your own kids and rethink whether or not this is really Mr Right for you. While you might be in total love with the guy (I assume so as you agreed to marry him and purchased a home for someday in the future) there sounds like there are quite a few things to work out before that day comes.

You're getting a glimpse right now of how the children/parenting issues will be in a joint home even though you live separately and aren't married. You're not happy with the childcare/parenting differences. So why are you doing the babysitting. Send the kids back to BM if Dad is off to work. Your first husband set you up to be able to stay home and enjoy your OWN kids, yet here you are watching DFH's kids and unhappy over how it's going. This isn't what your first husband meant to happen when he set you up to stay home and raise his children. Not being exposed to this bunch of unruly, not listening disrespectful days/evenings your kids are experiencing now while you babysit.

It won't work. Your kids already notice the difference and you aren't even living together yet. Forcing your kids to live in a home with kids who get want and do as they please,will result in them resenting him, his kids and you.

Date until the kids are gone.

Instead of "We don't live together yet......" it would be far better for your kids and for you if this sentence had begun with "We won't live together ever until my idiot fiance learns how to parent........."

Yes, marriage between two spouses with entirely different parenting styles can work. Here is how. Publish house/family rules. Enforce the rules. End of disconnect. In writing the rules use words like "acceptable" or "unacceptable", respectful, etc... when refering to rules regarding how members of the family will interface and treat each other. As for what is or is not acceptable, you decide that. }:) FDH has already proven himself incapable of discerning what is acceptable or unacceptable when it comes to his own kids.

If DH does not like how you discipline and parent, he can step up and get it done before you have to or he can STFU and support you until the two of you can discuss it in private away from the kids. You will find that once you move forward with what I forecast to be a disasterous blending of households in the home you own together your kids will be in far less trouble than his because unlike this man you have chosen to partner with as equity life partners you parent, he is a parental idiot as proven by the behavior of his children.

Their behavior is the testiment to his idiocy and abject failure as a parent.

So, set the rules, enforce the rules, and smack the holy shit (figurately of course ... or literally ... what ever it takes }:) )out of your idiot husband if he ever says one word to you about parenting or discipline when he refuses to parent at all.

As equity life partners you are equity parents to any children in your home regardless of kid biology. Were I you I would not tolerate anything less.

I would never tolerate a child interfering in my marriage but neither would I tolerate inappropriate behavior from a child or an adult that adversely impacted my marriage and family. Your Skids will have a choice once the rules are publishe. Listen and learn or feel. I also forecast a major amount of feeling for your Skids and lots of grumbling and "but, but, but, their just kids" from your unfortunately STB DH.

Good luck. You are going to need it, sadly, so are your kids. I am not particularly worried about FDH and his spawn. They are likely beyond salvage at this stage.

Quick question? Why would you marry someone proven to be an abject parental failure?

My condolences on the loss of your former husband. It sounds as if he was a caring man who made sure to provide for his family and that the two of you worked together to raise decently behaved kids.

All IMHO of course.

Good luck and take care of yourself in all of this.

Some people will tell you that you have different parenting styles and neither way is the right way. Those people are WRONG. If you're raising respectful kids and your man is raising hellions, you're doing it right and he's wrong. No one wants to be around disrespectful kids, and parents of said kids SUCK at their job.

Tell him that you will not move in together until after he has either taken a parenting class AND made some changes with his children.
-- OR that you will not move in together until after he has at least 10 sessions with a therapist that specializes in parenting.
-- OR that you will not move in until after he has read two parenting books and implemented the skills.

Parenting is a skill... meaning it can be learned and developed. FDH should be willing to develop this skill if he wants to make a happy home. Otherwise, you're setting yourself up for a home filled with misery.

Not only would I never allow some other woman's kids to live with me for 50% of the time, but I would never allow my man to slack off on parenting and leave me to pick up the pieces.

Now that you've heard from the others how disastrous this could be for you and your children, demand that your man steps up and shows you that he's willing to make the necessary changes to make your home peaceful. If he can't or won't, he's not much of a catch and you will be much better off without him. Good luck.

GIRL,

I'm right here with you. We only have my SD16 living with us full time, the other two are with us a couple days a week. OSD and SS9 are the LAZIEST, MOST ENTITLED children I have ever met. I knew dh needed help so I moved in with him and my little one lives with her dad. It was a SUPER tough decision, (and not the only mitigating factor, it was a complicated situation), but I couldn't be happier with that decision. I would absolutely NOT subject my little girl to living full time with these circus clowns. Things have calmed down over the last three months....end point: don't move in with him. Also, like some of the other ladies said, back off the babysitting. If I got a detail wrong, please forgive me, the ADD is strong with me today. Best of luck!