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Help! 16 year-old Estranged SD makes contact

Amp2175's picture

I'm so grateful to find this site! Your forums are awesome & informative I can read for hours. I need help processing a recent event. My fiance has a 16 year-old BD he's never met or even spoken to over the phone. He was made aware he fathered a child 15 years ago when he was served with paternity papers from the state of Colorado while living in Florida. He states the relationship with the mother wasn't serious and for the last 15 years he's paid his child support, only speaking with the mother once in regards to the child. We've been together for 7 years and though I was made aware of his estranged daughter he's never elaborated much. The most he's shared is his resentment over paying child support and such, I never entertained those comments because I feel strongly he should take care of the financial responsibility. That's all he's ever mentioned to me. Now, she's found him on FB out of the blue. It was actually an exciting moment, and I initially was very supportive. Now I feel like a piece of crap because I'm starting to have a problem with how he's acting over it. I'm trying to decipher if it's jealousy that's pissing me off so bad or if I have a right to be ticked. He's become infatuated with this kid. He's never been a FB guru, but now in the past two weeks he's posted pics, shared pics of her from her page with "My Beautiful Daughter" headlines, marked her page to where he gets all her updates, texts her every morning to wish her a good day & say I love you, text her every night to see how her day went & say I love you. We also have 4 more kids together, my 3 bio & him 1 BS. He sure all hell doesn't contact his BS like this and he's not in our home. He use to refer to my kids as his son & daughters on FB, now their referred to as soon to be?? It might not be at all after all this, because I don't think I want to marry him now! I'd appreciate any words of wisdom, I want to address him about this without seeming petty & jealous. It's just WIERD!!

hereiam's picture

Oh, oh. It sounds like a case of Guilty Daddy coming on, which may soon be followed by Disney Daddy. Proceed with caution (as should he).

I guess it's natural for him to want a relationship with her, now that he has possibly grown up a bit, but to go overboard like this and push others away is cause for concern. Maybe it will die down when the newness wears off?

I definitely would not marry him until I saw how this was going to play out. What if she wants to come and live with him? Maybe she wants him to buy her a car or pay for college. Who knows. Maybe she just wants to get to know her dad. Only time will tell.

kathc's picture

It's new to him. Either she's going to turn out to be a good kid and you'll be ok with her or she'll be a leech who was looking for someone to suck off and he'll get burned. Could go either way. At her age, she may have just wondered who the heck her father is and went looking. Let it play out, see what happens.

Jsmom's picture

He's excited, I wouldn't worry about it. Worry when she lands on your door asking to move in...

Amp2175's picture

You guys are great! And the whole door step thing; you're right! That's my ultimate fear. He said she lives now in his family's hometown out in New Mexico, it's some old mining community. He asked her if she planned on going to college and she said yes. Then that was followed up by him telling me he didn't want her stuck in that town. RED FLAG! Y'all are right, time will tell and it's definitely a blessing I haven't committed fully to our relationship. It was hard enough adjusting to his BS and EX the first few years. Now, comes this. All together our kids range from 19,15,14,13, I didn't plan throwing a 16 in the mix. I'll never retire! I'll keep you guys posted, but as it looks right now I'm adamant on high tailing it!

IslandGal's picture

I'd be on complete red alert mode here. Truly does sound like he's about to become a disney dad, suffering from guilt-parenting, and could very well start treating her like a mini wife.

No way in hell would I be seriously considering making myself a permanent part of their lives if this is how he's going to be. Think of the impact on the rest of the kids. He has his blinkers firmly on now and if he isn't careful, he's gonna be raising an entitled child.

Proceed with caution.