He loves me, he loves me not.....
I am engaged to a pretty great man but he has 2 daughter (technically 1 but he adopted the unbiological girl) they are 3 and 4 and I just can't help but feel he is still in love with his ex or that no matter what I do I can't measure up to her because I don't have kids of my own. I always hear stories of him and his ex from all of our friends and when the girls are upset they yell "YOU'RE NOT MY MOMMY!" or "I WANT MY MOMMY! I HATE YOU!" and I know they are just kids but it hurts because I love those girls beyond belief but not matter what I know I will NEVER be their mother. I just don't know what to do anymore I feel so lost and trapped. And I feel horrible because I keep thinking to myself 'what if there's somebody out there that doesn't have kids and will just love me 100%' because no matter what I am stuck with him and his ex and the girls so obviously I have to share him but it's hard. Can somebody please at least relate to this?
Hi Jane! Sorry you're going
Hi Jane! Sorry you're going through all that.
What makes you think he is still in love with his ex? I don't know why in the world people would tell you stories about them. Like you want to hear about times he spent with his ex. Hello! How does your fiance do at parenting the girls? Does he correct them when they say those things? I certainly wouldn't take it personally. They're very young and testing limits.
I'm wondering if some of this is your own insecurity. You're not a bio-mom but you're getting insta-family. You don't have to be a mom to know how to be kind to children and take care of them. There are plenty of really bad bio-moms out there! Why in the world would you even WANT to measure up to his ex?? He's no longer with her, so obviously she's not that great.
You need to talk to your fiance about all this. Hopefully he can reassure you that you have nothing to worry about. You need to decide if you can handle sharing him with his kids. Yes, his ex will always be in the picture because of them. Don't get married until you get this all worked out and feel comfortable with the situation. Maybe you need to find somebody that doesn't have any kids. I'm hoping that he'll tell you how wonderful you are and he wants ONLY you and you'll be a great step-mom!
Also, you might suggest that he request that your friends not tell stories about him and the ex. That does not respect you at all. One other thing to consider...it probably won't get any easier with the kids as they get older. A lot will depend on if their mom is psycho or not and if dad can discipline them. You definitely need to find all this out before you tie the knot. Right now you're not stuck at all.
Good luck..let us know how it goes!
Haha I'm not too worried
Haha I'm not too worried about sharing him with the kids I love them, it's the fact that the ex will ALWAYS be in the picture. Don't get me wrong I get along pretty great with his ex but I think that's part of the problem because she doesn't at all seem like a bad person. I think I might be more comfortable if she WAS psycho. I think it is also my own insecurity why I take the words of the girls so harshly because I do want kids of my own but still no luck so far. He told me he isn't in love with his ex but he will always love her as the mother of his children (hence the reason I feel like I will never measure up to her) but he said its not really love but it's like how some people love snow and the sun and stuff like that. I love him alot but honestly he needs to get better with discipline and correcting the kids cause right now the ex and I are the only ones doing it and I feel like the evil stepmonster and he tends to favor the younger daughter because she is actually his but the older one is just his ex's and honestly she is way better behaved and she isn't that much older than her sister. He is trying to work on it but whenever I go out of town and he has the girls to himself things change to the way they were before I was with him and I just feel so bad for the girls. Thank you for talking to me and reading my venting
i appreciate that someone would take the time to help me out 
Well if your own insecurity
Well if your own insecurity is most of the problem, that's easier to fix! You don't have to depend on anybody else to do it! It sounds like what he means is that he "respects" BM, which isn't a bad thing. I think bio-parents getting along is great! I wish our BM could get along. She appears great to the casual observer. Underneath, she's a total whack.
Maybe you should just be engaged for awhile and see how things go with you in the SM role. See if dad steps up to the parenting role. If you're planning on having kids with this man, you have to be on the same page with parenting or it will be a constant fight. This is something you definitely need to sit down and talk about before you get married. You will be miserable if he's the disney dad and you have the whole bad guy role. I hope it works out how you want it to! Keep us updated!