Grandparents what they do and don't do?
I'm a 35yr old male, I have two daughters from my previous marriage that I have custody of. I also have one 4yrd old daughter with my current wife and she has three boys from her previous marriage. My ex wife left state leaving me with my daughters, my mother didn't work at the time and we moved in with her while I saved for a down payment on a townhome. My mother the girls grandmother helped me raise my girls while I worked, and she was able to established a close bond almost like a mother and children bond is. I got re married and the problem I am having is anything my mom does for my daughters whether it be a clothing item see may buy them, a trip to the dollar store, even a sleepover and really anything my mother does for my girls I'm getting into trouble with my wife because of what she does. Saying that my mother and father have not ignored my wifes children, they buy christmas gifts, birthday gifts, have bought golf lessions for the oldest boy, taken her boys out bowling with just my dad and I, they have had the youngest over for sleep overs with my two daughters, have taken them out to eat and have spent time with them. But the trouble I'm getting into with my wife is she thinks if things are done for one they should be done for all the kids. And having six children this would be very expensive for anyone to do. My parents have stopped having sleep overs with the youngest boy because he only wants to come over if they are going to go out to eat and do something fun. He has even called my mother and said I dont want to come over unless you take me out to eat some where. And while that is all great my mother feels used, some times they do go out to eat or do something fun but some times they just stay in and its like they only want to come over if she buys them something or takes him out to eat some where. While my girls are fine with the normal grandparent relationship of just visiting, watching a movie or doing something simple in there home. Then there is my wifes grandparents that raised her and adopted her at a very young age. She buys her grandkids (my wifes boys) birthday presents every year, pays for summer activities for my wifes boys and I don't get into what they do for her boys and what they don't do for my girls. If they do something I figure it was a nice and a thoughtful gester. So now I have asked my wife please don't put me in the middle of what my mom does for my girls and what she doesnt do for her boys I have told her if she has a problem please go to my mom talk to her about it instead of treating me so badly and awful. I'm I wrong for telling her to do this? I've told my wife I can't control what my mother does for my two daughters, any more than you can control what her grandparents do for her boys. Same issue arrises with my girls now that they go see there mom every other weekend. If their mother buys them anything I am getting in trouble for that and treated just awful. How can i honestly control what my ex wife buys her children. While I would just love to go out and spoil her boys I can't do that. I already work many jobs to put a roof over our head and food on the table. When it comes to sleep overs my mom has said I would love to have her boys over, but maybe they could just show me that we can stay in and visit, watch a movie and I don't have to just take them out to eat or buy them something to win there affection. I just don't know what to do I feel totally lost and wanted to get other peoples input on how they would feel, there experience if they have had any with this, and what they have done or what they would do. For the most part we are a blended family, I love her boys like they are my own, I have done special things with them if they got on the honor role or brought there grades up. I have taken them out to do things with just me to build up that father and son bond. They have had no father figure in their life until me and I have taken them in like they are my own. Guess I'm just lost because I don't like being treated badly from my wife because of what my girls grandparents / my mother does for them. I don't ask questions about why doesn't my wifes family send birthday gifts or why they don't pay for summer activities for my daughters. Guess I just always thought if someone does something its because they want to not because I made them do it, or not because it was expected. I loved going over to the grandparents house as a kid, spending the night over with them, playing a board game or watching a movie with them as Why should it be about money and what they do or what they don't do. Please anyone with any input respond i'd love to hear your thoughts and suggestions.
Thank You much
Ryan
Your wife is out of line.
Your wife is out of line. She doesn't get to control what your mom and BM buy for your girls.
Maybe you guys should have a
Maybe you guys should have a counseling session and talk about this?? I agree with the above posters. Your wife is very wrong. You mom has been more than accepting and fair to your wifes sons. Your mom is not required to do anything but it seems as tho she has decided to treat all the grandkids and stepgrandkids pretty equal. I don't understand why your wife is being so jealous and hateful about this... She should be grateful to your mom for her accepting her boys, loving them and for how kind she is to her kids. I have a rule that all my children are to be treated FAIR. That does not mean that when my mom takes one girl, that she has to take the other or that she had to spend equal amounts on each of my kids... It means that I do expect my mom to make a good attempt to spend time and money(if she chooses) fairly on each of my children, as she pleases. She can take one child and not the other. She can buy for one child and not the other. But if she continues to only take and buy for that one child and continuously leaves out my other child, then I will speak up and have a heart to heart with my mom. But it seems to me that your mom has been more than fair. Your wife also has no right to say ANYTHING about your ex wife buying her own children things. Is your wife seriously so insecure that she is going to demand that you ex wife wine and dine her boys as well??? I have heard about how much you love your wifes boys, how you treat them as your own but what about your wife? How does she treat her boys and your girls? Is she loving, kind, fair to your girls?
i agree with all with what
i agree with all with what was said. I would simply say to her til your parents treat my daughters the same way they treat your boys, then my parents ain't obligated to treat your sons like my daughters.
Your wife really has no
Your wife really has no business involving herself in your mother's relationship with her granddaughters. That should be off limits. Her boys are not your mother's grandkids.
That's just how it is in step families....nothing is equal.
You are so lucky that your
You are so lucky that your children have such a strong bond with their grandmother, and even luckier still that she has accepted your wife's children and actually WANTS them to come over and spend time with them. That being said, I believe that skids and bios should be treated as equally as possible. My parents are pretty much not involved in my kid's lives, and have to have visits set up for them to see the grandchildren. They do buy gifts for birthdays and holidays and if they get something, they get it for both my kids and fiancee's daughter. On the other hand, my fiancee's mom and her husband will spoil my fiancee's daughter and leave my kids out pretty much all the time. I totally understand if they want to take just one kid or just the bio grandkids to certain things, but this is all the time. Grandma buys all SD's school clothing, most of the supplies, picks her up new winter jackets or shoes or whatever, toys...etc. They brought over a desk and chair and desk lamp for SD, and than a week later sent home ANOTHER desk and a computer and got mad because we set it up in my kids room. SD does not need TWO desks in her room! Then there are the trips to the apple orchard, out to breakfast, sleepovers, and special weekends out with grandma and grandpa that have never once an invite been extended to either of my kids at all. They also throw a birthday party for SD every year with expensive gifts, but when I had birthday for my son and daughter, they did not attend my son's party, and came to my daughter's birthday without a gift for her, and spent half the time they were there setting up a tire swing for SD. My kids would love for once for my parents to reach out and ask to come over and see them, instead of me arranging it and they would also love to be accepted and welcomed by my fiancee's mom and stepdad, nevermind any gift they might receive from them. It's hard trying to explain to a 5 and 11 year old that life is unfair... The big picture is that all the kids in your home have a lot of people that love them, and are willing to show that love.
I have a very similiar
I have a very similiar situation to yours where the GM has been the mother figure to SD11. I don't try to outdo my MIL. SD11 is horibbly spoiled and catered to and a large part is due to GM influence. SD11 is very immature due to the fact that GM isn't ready to see that SD is becoming a young woman and not this 5 year old that GM treats her like. GM (and DH) will buy her most anything (no matter how ridiculous, childish, or absolutely unecessary it may be). SD11 has the mindset that anything is replaceable that is lost or torn up again because dad and GM replace things numerous times that have been lost or torn up after only a couple times of use...cell phones, clothing, hair brushes and styling products, school supplies (bought on a weekly basis unecessarily) and back packs...ect....To me these things are not disposible. I can't understand the waste...it drives me insane that someone would want their child to be this way.
In no way do I wish to compete with MIL...there is no contest and a completely different relationship. I'm glad that SD and MIL are close but MIL is a big reason that SD is not growing productively like an 11 almost 12 year should.