Girlfriend suffocating---HELP
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My boyfriend and his two children moved into my newhouse6 months ago.We used to go out ALONe together and have Sat nights free. NOw one child lives with us full time and we are never ALONE!! I however, feel alone all the time! When his daughter is here she takes over he LR watching TV even tho she has her own roomand TV. I have togo to my room to watchwhat I want. He works weekends and I am left here with the kids. Ihave told himthis is not what I want, I know it is selfish but I want to have quiet time on my days off and I want a date night once week. He has done nohing about it and I am becoming resentful. I like the old schedule better and feel tricked, trapped, and like a stranger in my own home.
I am in the same boat as you
I am in the same boat as you sister! I love my SO so much and I understand that with him comes his 2 kids. But your relationship needs to be a priority too and you need that date night once a week! I would go crazy if we didn't have a free weekend w/ no kids once in awhile.
His children are old enough
His children are old enough to stay alone for a few hrs 15 and 12...it is his choice not to leave them. I am at fault because I did not talk about it before allowing him to move in. I thought it would be the way it was with us having them Sun-wed and BM the other nights...but it changed and I have no say. I have told him ..I think he just fantasizes about us being one big happy family...we haven"t even been together 2 yrs and already it is stale. He makes me feel guilty by telling me how much she likes me and looks up to me...I like her too...but I like my time alone with him..if I had ever imagined it would turn out like this I would not have let them move in. He doesn't even tell me when his nights with SD change...I just come homeand she is here. I am feeling like a sucker and don"t know what to do. My family loveshim although my parents know I am struggling...somedays I hate to come home.
All of your feelings are
All of your feelings are justified. He is using you. How weird that after moving in with you, all of a sudden he has a child full time...hmmmmm. I don't see any talking improving this situation. You don't appear to have the backbone necessary to stand up for yourself. THAT is the main issue here, and that is why he knew he could slip his family in and leave them for you to take care of. That said, 12 and 15 is old enough to leave, even overnight. My kids are 10 and 11 and with proper training have been taught early on how to handle emergencies, who to look out for, what can and can't be done when there is no adult present (like using sharp knives or cooking on stove), etc. If these children have not been taught, do it now. And don't let them take over your living room! Just tell them no...they are children and should expect to hear that! Stop trying to keep the peace and making YOURSELF miserable!
Sweety, you are telling the
Sweety, you are telling the story of so many of us here. I tell DH all of the time it is not fair to me OR the kids that we are always together. That he should set aside a night every week to spend with the kids without me and that I should get a date night once a month where we don't even talk about the kids the whole time. The date night has only happened for me and the kids once and the whole time we were on our date, the kids are all we talked about. It isn't selfish to feel this way, but just remember, in his mind you are all a family because he loves all of you. You need to just clearly lay it out for him, because they are not your kids, you still need you and him time. And if you work, babysitting his children is not your responsibility. If you like being with them and want to do it, more power to you. But, you did not make them and you do not have to take care of them.
I need to thank you all! I
I need to thank you all! I feel so much better knowing I am not a monster and other people have these feelings too. I am a school teacher so loving children is not the issue. I just want more for myself than sitting on the couch with his kids every weeknd or not being able to sit in my LR!
I am going to speak up today..I love him but would prefer to know where I stand rather than continuing on like this. After all, I am not his wife, he wants to live together, have me be there for his kids, but doesn't want to commit or listen to my needs. I can't believe it took me sooo long to see.
Yesterday, for the first time, I left all daay until after 10pm. I woke up before the kids and came home after they were all in bed. I told him I did not want to be left with them on my weekend and he did not even blink. Left me a text letting me know what I could do with his daughter for the day..unbelievable really!
But then I feel bad because his ex is a horrible mother and he has been the mother really for years...cookimg, cleaning, laundry..
I must remind myself that what I am asking for is not outrageous and I am sure I could date someone else who would be happy to spend one night a week together!
All of my friends told me I was jumping in too quickly...I wish I had listened! Thanks Again
You'll always be second rate
You'll always be second rate to his children. Shouldn't it be that way? But if he can't act like a parent to them by limiting their TV time and hogging the family TV when they do watch it then you've got a guy who can't set limits for his kids.
Bad news: he can't change.
The only way out of this is to tell him that living together was a bad idea and by the first of the year he needs to have his own place. When he moves tell him the relationship isn't going to work and you're sorry but you'll have to stop seeing him.
Block his phone (call your cell phone provider for help), email and social sites such as Facebook. There are a million childless men out there - find one and if you two wish start your own family. Step-parenting is the worst and most thankless endeavor you'll even find. Get out while you can do so gracefully and without your children in the mix.
I wholeheartedly agree with
I wholeheartedly agree with OCC - exit gracefully and with kindness. The more you stay and get entangled the worse. Find someone who will adore, respect and care for you.Not the case in this relationship and was not the case in mine either.The sooner you leave the better.Do not apologize for wanting to be you and for wanting to be happy. He is happy - he gets your house, your free time and a school teacher around his children. It is normal for you to feel used .This is how I felt too and I needed to leave. I stayed for too long hoping something will change. Nothing changed and he assured me nothing will.
From my experience the sooner you leave the less damage for you and quicker you can find somebody more compatible to you and your needs in a relationship.It will also give him a chance to find a woman that will like what he has to offer and fit his needs in a relationship. Obviously he is looking for someone to care for his children and entertain them when he is away.Let him find that and you be accountable and responsible for you and your happiness.
You need to stand up for
You need to stand up for yourself, your house & your life. He's had it made!!! So have his kids!!!
1. Take back your life!! Do these kids have grandparents, aunts, uncles or any relatives they can stay with on the weekends or perhaps rotate one grandparent for one wkend, the other grandparent the next wkend & so forth? If so, time to enlist their help!!! & pronto!!!
He needs to realize that YOU deserve your down time to yourself! HE is the one being uber selfish!!
2. I made this mistake too & a lot of others have to. It's YOUR house girl!!! Take it back!!! Your living room is YOURS not the kids!!! If you come home & want to watch tv, read a book, sit & stare at a wall in YOUR living room- then you WILL!!! Take the damn remote from the kid & switch it to what you want!!!! Or- tell them you'd like to read. Plop on said couch. Take remote back & turn off said tv!!!
I have made this mistake for most of the time I've been with DH!! I've been the one retreating to my bedroom. It's pathetic now that I've realized this!!! Pathetic of ME!!! I TOOK my house back the past two months!!! It's LIBERATING!!! Trust me-- try it. The other thing I did (may or may not pertain to your situation) was take MY place back with my DH!!! My skids like to flat out lay all over my husband. Sit über close to him. Push me outta the way. They frankly liked to make me feel excluded. But I gotta tell ya. NOT NO MORE!!! I flat out tell them to get off him now or to get outta my spot!!!! And lmao. Guess what? It turned my DH ON!!! Guess he liked me being more in charge. I wasn't rude or anything- I just frankly- found my backbone!!! Love it!!! You will too- trust me. So girl-- take BACK YOUR HOUSE!!! Remind them they hv their own TVs. If they don't like it- tough shit!!!!!!
3. He dated you then. Make him date you NOW!!! Try to get out if the staleness. Having kids attached to you 24/7 will do that yo ANY couple with kids.
I hope this helps!!
I am going to try. I have
I am going to try. I have tried before but it keeps getting worse. Only when I pull away does he do anything about it..like "OH, I took Sat off for you" But then Sat comes and the truth is SD has a dance recital or something that we have to go to. He considers it giving me time...ridiculous I know..and I hate those things...his ex is there and she is so disgusting...swearing like a truck driver....catches my ear and won"t beg off....I like to avoid it at all costs.
My problem now is it has gone too far and I am losing interest in the entire relationship.
This past weekend...4 day weekend...perfect opportunity to do something alone...but no..instead of the usual 3 nts SD is here...this week 6nts...with no heads up at all...does not feel like I need to know...So on my 4 day break..I have kids here everyminute. SO unrelaxing....I spent most of my day yesterday in my room sleeping..SDwas in LR sprawled out on couch and him on loveseat.
I am a very nonconfrontational person, but this ismaking me hate coming home. Sat night I sat at my parents house til 10 watching tv because they were out of town and I wanted the peace and quiet and I wanted to watch what I wantrd to watch. PATHETIC I KNOW!
Last night he said he feels
Last night he said he feels like an intruder here...he feels like the intruder! How is that when I amthe one who has to go in my room to watch TV...Is he being manipulative? I want to say...tell your kids to go in their rooms to watch tv and get off the stinkin couch! UGH!!!