First post... In need of advice.
Hello, everyone.
I am a recently divorced (under 1 year) father of one boy. I have recently started dating a woman who has a few kids of her own. Without going too much into the history of it all, I have to say that up until this point I had a strict "none to one" policy when it came to dating women, and I'm beginning to remind myself as to why that is.
She gets her kids half the week, the other half is her ex's time. Usually, she will stay with me during her down time, which is fine. We get along well and we genuinely are okay to a certain extent. However, she will randomly show up during the off time with the kids (which is partly my fault), and they will just take over. Full run of the kitchen, television, personal items, you name it. For the most part im pretty easy going, but man, I've been pushed to my limits. The thing is, is that they're not bad kids aside from the total lack of respect when it comes to other people's property.
She's not enrolled them in school, and has no desire to do so. Homeschooling is her only option in her opinion. What I see are a group of kids who are CONSTANTLY tied to "mama," stay up way too late, don't listen to her when she tries to punish them, and eventually the group of them wear her down to the point where she's just numb. I see it happen. None of her friends want to watch the kids for any extended amount of time so she can just rest, her family is far away and there's very few options left.
My son by comparison is a calm body of water. This isn't me being a father praising his son, it's just in his demeanor to be quiet, collected, and mature for his age, always has been. He's been such a joy to raise because he and I are very much alike in that regard. And while I do think my ex took it too far, he's disciplined. He understands limits and rules, he gets that when he's in someone else's house that what THEY say goes. That he knows how to ask and say please and thanks and all that stuff that I don't see.
This isn't to say my girlfriend isn't trying. She really is. But it's simply too much for her, and now it's starting to take a toll on me. I really like her, hell I love her. But if things don't change, I fear that this will end very soon...
Thoughts?
9, 6 (He's the main one that
9, 6 (He's the main one that doesn't listen), and twins that are 4.
My kid is 9.
SAHM is fine with me. To her
SAHM is fine with me. To her credit, she helps out quite a bit at my place even if I tell her not to. It's just the constant attention seeking these kids need because they're not exposed to other children, no other role models, no other way of behaving other than their parents, who are divorced and dont get along. I don't blame them, but I also have no way of correcting them in my own home. She's doing all she can, but there's no way I'm going to start being a parent to kids that aren't mine through marriage or otherwise. I've thought about meeting at neutral locations, but that presents problems in and of itself... I don't know, it's just a sticky situation and Im not really sure how to handle it.
I hear ya. Didn't think of it
I hear ya. Didn't think of it that way.
And see, here's where it
And see, here's where it becomes difficult, as I feel like I need to defend her against my own comments. She doesn't work full time, has fibro, does DJ gigs on the weekends from time to time, but she has been applying to places to get some steady hours in. The home school thing comes from her not wanting to juggle three different schedules between the kids ages (preschool, elementary, and possibly middle school), wake up at a certain time to get the kids (who don't listen) to school on time, picking up viruses, etc... I've already told her that's a process I don't agree with, but she's dead set on getting the work done.
That said, I don't think I've ever seen her do any of it... but that doesn't mean she hasn't.
I think you go back to your
I think you go back to your own-- none to one, rule, I am sorry to say to you because I know you care for this woman. In fact, for you, none would be better, but since you have your own, you need to consider up to one... More means more of everything and less time, but that is just me.
Just wait until you move in together, how will that be like on you and your quiet son? How will the poor parenting effect him, not to mention you.
Parenting styles are a big deal and you have many years to go with these kids almost full time with you. Can you take that? Not to mention the financial, emotional, and social toll all these kids will do to you both, long term. Will she be the parent to teach your son how to behave or misbehave or are her kids the models you want your son to learn to imitate? When you are in the situation, do you think, man-- I cannot do this all the time?
Frequently (not always of course), kids are homeschooled because of their inability to socialize and comply to group norms; is this the case here? I'd at least think about it. The rules and boundaries of formal schooling serve much more than just academic instruction.
I thought it would be easy if they were grown kids and do not live with us. But poor parenting is just that; little ones grow up into adults lacking behavioral/social skills the parent never taught. Little ones tug emotionally harder because they are little and there is no getting away from it; no break. As they become adults the scars of poor parenting are fully ingrained.
You still deal with it...it never stops.
Is that what you want?
The best partners are those
The best partners are those that listen fairly when we bring a problem respectfully to them and try to work out a way to make this better for us. Have a conversation with her about a couple of issues. I would start with you wanting a few ground rules for the kids in your home when they are visiting. Insist that they say please and thank you (I do this for all kids anyway, I remind them to say please or thank you, they must be polite to me or I will not help them). And insist that they ask before touching any of your things. Those are two very reasonable rules. If you and your girlfriend work together on enforcing them in your home then perhaps you might start enjoying the company of her kids more. Personally I would also insist that if she's is bringing the kids over she always lets you know beforehand and checks if it is ok with you first, that shows that she has respect for you and your space.
If she does not react in a constructive way and work with you to feel more comfortable in your home when they visit then if I were you I would take that as a sign she is not willing to compromise and your life will only get more frustrating as these children are forced into your life more and more.
As for your girlfriend taking on too much that is her choice for her life. It would not be one I would choose but for some reason she has. Her decisions about the education of her children are for her and her ex to decide on.
You are newly divorced, she
You are newly divorced, she (with all those kids) is in survival mode. If she cannot get them under control at these young ages, it doesn't get any better when the tween and teen years arrive. You guys are looking for companionship but at what price later? Right now they have momma all to themselves, imagine how it will be when they are suddenly threatened with the thought that you're taking momma away from their constant access. Her lack of parenting will always be a problem and at this point in the game it's too much for her to change game plans, she's exhausted. You cannot save every wounded puppy.
Don't wait for soon, end it
Don't wait for soon, end it now. This is not a woman you want to make a life with or expose your own child too for long.
At less than a year since your divorce you are still working through the grief and recovery cycle and it is far too early to be talking love and long term relationship... particularly with such an egregious example of parental failure as this woman is.
Good luck, take care of you and your child. Do not settle for less than an amazing partner and parent if you consider a long term relationship again.
Don't get me wrong, long term relationships with a partner with prior relationship spawn can work. But, it is not easy. It takes an equity life partnership between independent adults of character, impeccable communication, and agreement on how to raise children in the marital home including agreement that the spouses are equity parents to any kids in the marital home regardless of kid biology. A person who does not parent to your standards....is not viable equity life partner material.
IMHO of course.
Good luck. Take care of you.
I appreciate it. To clarify,
I appreciate it. To clarify, however, I've wanted a divorce for years, Ive been going to therapy since last year to get to where I am now, and have ZERO grief or recovery left with regard towards my ex wife. I've been over that for a long time now. My only remaining concern is my son, who I will do anything for. But thank you, honestly, for those kind words.
You have no way of correcting
You have no way of correcting them in your home.
That is not correct. You do. It is your home.
Open your mouth and say "In this house we...." and insert the correct behavior.
If GF objects she needs to stop bringing the kids over.
Think about this relationship. Is this the type of relationship you want going forward? The kids are young and teen years are hard. Differences in child rearing and expectations do not magically disappear when households combine, they multiply. It may be time to end this relationship.
How much money do you make?
How much money do you make? You don't have to answer that here but in your head you need to realize this woman might be trying to settle you down so you can be the provider/leader/disciplinarian she needs. She has four unruly kids and is at home with them all the time...she's trying to make house with you. She's already letting them encroach on you and your son's personal space and property and it's only the beginning. I think you should sit her down and say you are overwhelmed with how fast things are going already. You aren't ready to be the provider or man-of-the-house for five kids especially ones that you don't know that we'll and you would like it if you could take it slow/back to the way it was when y'all were just dating regularly. Honestly you can't go backwards in a relationship so this is your version of letting her down easy. Your parenting styles are different and you're jumping into a relationship too soon. Both of those are the biggest red flags right before an "oops" baby and another failed relationship to come. She may be sweet as pie, the prettiest thing since Barbie and great in the bed BUT none of that will ever be worth the struggles of fighting two mismatched people trying to make something out of polar opposites
Oh it's an easy solution
Oh it's an easy solution sir.....
you visit when she has the kids, tell her her kids are not welcome at your place unless they behave and respect your stuff. You might love this gal, but you've been single for a year... take it from me, do not move in with her untill her kids aged out (and yours) keep separate accommodations and finances,
I moved out after a couple of years and have been living on my own again for about 5 years now, Aergia (SD) is not welcome in my house, and I have my own kid as well.... we have different parenting styles and I accepted it
Wow, thanks for all the
Wow, thanks for all the responses, guys! It all sounds like things that have gone on in my head, what others have told me, etc. We wound up having an argument last night (something unrelated), so I think today is time for a talk...
I think you're on to
I think you're on to something here. It's been three months, and while things are getting better (initially there were unintended sleepovers - that got put a stop to real quick), we still have a ways to go. I've put my foot down in that 1) no sleepovers between families at either home, 2) We actually DATE during the free time we do have, 3) limits are set on together time and personal time, 4) her finances are hers and mine are mine, aside from the occasional gift, or whatever (as it goes with dating), and 5) We DO NOT move in together for at least a year. The kids are an overload for me personally; I have mild bi-polar and depression, and in the wrong mood, they can be a trigger. She gets it, and has even said she understands because she feels the same way with them. She also knows it's a lot to take on, so she's really trying to make this work. Yet at some point, I have to be fair. It's not just about the kids, it's about finding a balance, and when it's just the two of us, it works wonderfully. That's why I really feel that taking things slow will be the best approach to this relationship. We're both in therapy because of our past marriages, and if we grow beyond one another (something both of us know is a very real possibility), then we address it when we need to. Otherwise, it's about having fun and being cared for from one another in a way I'd rather not address here... but it works.