Finances? His mine and ours
Just wondering how everyone approaches finances? I am 4 years in but find we're still on slight different pages. Not major but still enough to have to stop and think.
other half has 3 who live with ex wife and he pays maintenance, their hobbies, all their clothes for our house, takes them on holidays, days out, extra pocket monies and their mobile phone bills, school shoes and accessories etc
I have one with her dad, I give her pocket money and buy clothes on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.
then living with us my daughter and our son together. I am primary for them so buy what they need.
here the issue, I'm part time and other half is "higher" earner. He is also much more carefree with cash and I am salaried and a planned and consider myself modest.
how do other people approach finances in blended situations with an ours? I feel like I cut back when I need to but he is not mindful when he spends. Our bills are together in a pot and he puts 2 thirds and I put a third in. I think main issue I see is my daughter who doesn't live with us sees that he will be more generous financially with his own and I won't. Mainly because we can't sustain it.
Any advice please?
thanks 
Well technically your
Well technically your daughter has maintenance and gets clothing + extras by her own father so she shouldnt feel entitled to what your spouse is doing for his own 3 kids
The real issue is the 2 kids that you both have....seems like they are getting the short end of the stick while your daughter and steps have the best of both worlds
Another reason to be mindful of having kids with someone who already has court ordered financial obligations to other children...
I agree with this. It does
I agree with this. It does feel like our son has the crap end of it at the moment. And with regards to his finances the only thing he has an obligation to is his monthly child maintenance which he pays. Everything else is voluntary extras. Ex wife at present has 100 percent equity of their previous home which she refuses to share with him (in court) and I'm cramming all the kids into my rented accommodation.
You should be having a real
You should be having a real meeting of the minds on your short and long term financial goals as a couple... he may earn more.. but it's not what you earn that will set you up for retirement.. it's what you SAVE.
Ideally... he should support all his bio kids.. including your joint.. fairly equally (though his support order may not allow any changes with his non res kids)... and your daughter should have a bio father that is contributing to you for her support.. I get that might still end up in some resource disparity.. you can certainly decide that you will try to make things appear fair within your household if you wish.
I would start talking about your futures.. how you both see saving for retirement.. end of life planning for you both.. how will assets and estate be distributed? Then you can work your way backwards to goals you have for if you want to move to a bigger or nicer home at some point.. college plans for all the kids.. cars at 16? or do the kids need jobs early to help with that? paying for weddings? what about thoughts of helping kids buy their first homes? (lots of kids here.. it's doubtful everyone will get that help). How do you arrange for vacations.. and paying for christmas? working the discussion right back to day to day spending.
You may find he is spending every dime now and has no plans for the future... that needs to be addressed before it's too late.
I agree. I think this is the
I agree. I think this is the issue. Seeing him unravel his last marriage and he basically does not have his ducks in a row at all! He acts like disposable cash is never hard to come by but definately does not think about his future. Maybe if we focus on this it can help him to adjust his mindset a bit with his present spending. We were supposed to be saving for a home but that's fallen by the wayside for some reason.
It seems he is addressing the
It seems he is addressing the short term and in your face "needs" (because a lot of them are wants!).
You want to buy a house.. you should be planning for retirement.. with all those kids.. there WILL be hands out at various times for weddings.. for cars.. for school.. those aren't discussions that can be left to the last minute...
and.. part of all of this may result in a discussion that involves you going back into the workforce more full time once your youngest is in school for example.
But.. just because he has money in his account (or on his credit card).. now for a discretionary purchase.. doesn't mean that he shouldn't have earmarked it towards a longer term goal item.. and there should have been a joint discussion before he decides to detour the funds to something else.
So.. yes.. you need to have that discussion about finances.. do NOT make it about his kids.. make it about the goal of your house that you need to start taking seriously.. then ask the big question about retirement.. does he already have a financial planner? does he have a pension? is he contributing to a retirement acct through his work? does he have uber rich parents who will leave him "set"?
Then... once you decide on what your goals ARE.. you figure out how you reach them...look at what you take IN as a couple (including support pmts you get).. and how you can save X% each month to those goals.. then look at your current REQUIRED spending.. loan payments.. cars.. house.. court ordered child support. You can try to adjust for relative earning potential.. he pays more becasue he earns more.. but you may just be working PT to care foryour joint child.. so he SHOULD shoulder more financial burden in that case.. but again.. maybe the plan is in 3 years you go back FT?
He needs to be honest in extras he is spending.. maybe he really can't afford to have each kid on a travel team while saving for that house? Maybe he can't just throw money at a kid vs saying "no" when spending will sidetrack your goals.?
I struggle with this some
We for the most part keep totally seperate finances. We have the one big thing- the house we bought together that we share costs on (utilities also) and her work provides awesome healthcare for the family, so I pay a bit more on the house to offset her providing that.
Otherwise we are totally financially independent from each other, both have great incomes...
My 2 reoccurring concerns with our setup are #1- we do not spend the same amount on our 4 kids, her kid by pretty much any metric is beyond spoiled... which doesn't bother me per se, but leads to frequent questions about "Why don't I we get that" from my kids. My answer is always, I'm not his parent, and it does seem to work, its definitely reoccurring and will continue to be though.
The second, since the idea is we are planning till death due as part... how much we individually save for retirement, and for our kids major expenses is actually kind of important for how the timing of all that will work and playout... Not being "attached" or "combined" financially, while also actually being attached to one another has some long term challenges as a concept.
Love to hear how others do stuff, for the most part what we are doing works pretty well. We never fight about money, don't have to ask each other for permission to buy things etc.
Our 'ours' baby... is hers from a prior
that I adopted as an adult.
Our situation is a unicorn blended family situation in many ways. We were the full time CP home. DW had full physical and legal custody from the kid's birth. The Spermidiot had 7wks of long distance visiation per year (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring) and paid a pittance in CS. Though in reality he never took visitiation nor paid a penny of his CS obligation. His mommy took his visitation with our son and paid his CS obligation for our son.
As for money, we married a few months after I graduated from university. We had nothing but two apartments of college furniture, two 8yo cars, and my freshly printed Engineering degree. We have built everything we have together over the nearly 29yrs we have been married.
DW and I met when SS-30 was 15mos old, and married the week before he turned 2yo.
We blended finances when we married and have kept them blended. Though neither of us are money hairy eyeball people. We are both MBAs and she is a CPA. We have a reasonable level of understanding of money, investing, long term growth strategies, etc... All of our accounts are joint except for investments accounts (IRAs, 401Ks, etc... ) and each are the beneficiary on the other's invenstement accounts. We collaborate on our unified investment strategy. We also each carry life insurance that the other is the beneficiary of.
Basically we both buy what we want or need when we feel like it, we each buy what we want for the other as far as gifts are concerned, and neither of us are heavy spenders generally speaking. If I am buying something for her, I ask her not to look at the accounts for X amount of time so what I am giving her remains a surprise. As she is the CPA, she services our accounts, etc... I scope them out periodically just to keep somewhat current on the details.
As for the costs of raising SS. The spend on him was never an issue. We raised him together. He had full benefit of our marital income. For all intents and purposes, he was/is OUR kid. The pittance of CS DW got from the SpermClan just went into the family income stream.
IMHO, if the partner who brings a prior failed family progeny to a new marriage over spends on that kid Vs. the spend level on the ours kid.... the non prior breeding partner should take an equal amount and sock it away for the ours kid's benefit that the prior breeder gets zero say over. If the prior breeder screams about it... tuff shit and suck it up butter cup.