Feeling left out
Hi guys, my first time here but I don't know what to do... I recently moved in with my boyfriend, he has 4 kids-twins, a boy and a girl 12yo and 2 more boys aged 10 and 8. They all live with their mother but spending the weekends with us. They live close by so they are together a lot. Which is fine, I guess but it started to bother me that every day during the week he comes home late-he's taking kids to practices, trainings etc. Or he's just going to watch the practice if he finishes work late and then takes them home. Before I moved in I gave him a condition of spending 1 full day of the week with me and 1 weekend a month with me. Not to sound selfish but I think it's very important to have some "only us" time for this relationship to work. I don't have kids of my own. However... he agreed at that time and I moved in. But this is not how it is. Every single night something comes up and he has to go. On Sunday for ex. I wanted to go somewhere and do something together with him but... he has to be back by this and this time to go and play basketball with the kids. Or to pick them up from somewhere. Or to take them somewhere. Or to just have them for a while because his ex wife has to do something. I get along with the kids just fine more so with a girl, of course but the whole situation started to irritate me and I hate it because I know it's not kids fault, they just like to spend time with their dad. But where do I fit in? Us? Even when we're all together I'm mostly spending time with his daughter and the boys are watching football or basketball and what also bothers me that during this time "together" it's like I'm not there. He doesn't kiss me in front of them or hug me or even just touch me. It's like we're roommates or something. Or he just kisses me very fast and that's it for the day... impossible to have sex as well cause there is no privacy. This past weekend I just went and stayed in a hotel for the night because I feel like I cannot do this anymore. I tried to tell him how I feel but the thing is he doesn't see it this way. For him everything is perfectly normal. He said last night that he will try and arrange his time better and do some stuff with me as well but I don't believe him! I don't want to lose him and I love him with all my heart and I accepted his kids and his past and everything but for me my time with him is just not negotiable. Don't you think that he has to adapt a little bit as well not just me, or am I going crazy and I'm acting completely unreasonable? I explained it to him in the most direct manner possible but he just doesn't get it. I understand that he wants to have this big happy family and I don't mind that at all but apart from that I also want and need "us" time badly. Am I being selfish??
No, yoiu are not being
No, yoiu are not being unreasonable and youi're not being selfish in wanting time with him alone (adult time is absolutely essential to a relationship) but the chances of him changing are probably slim to none given that he really doesn't understand what is wrong. He is very invested in his children and really doesn't know HOW to carve out time for you without risking upsetting them. I think he hoped you would just slot into his existing routine and have no demands of your own. Please note that he adapts to his ex-wife's needs but not your own. Right now, if I werein your place, I'd be feeling like a FWB ... because apparently that's all you are to him. And, good grief, you're not even getting that when his kids are there.
Step back and take a good long look at this situation - where, in the pecking order, do you think you are? And where do you think you should be?
I almost choked when I read
4 kids. I do not think either of you is unreasonable, but I just do not think this is a good match. Even if he tried to make time for you, just not easy. He may want to help his ex with ferrying kids etc. He may understand 4 kids is tough.
You're not selfish or
You're not selfish or unreasonable, this just may not be the guy for you. Four kids is a lot and it doesn't sound like he has time for a relationship.
He doesn’t have time to date.
He doesn’t have time to date. He’s still enmeshed with BM. And four kids take up a lot of time. Time to cut this one loose.
This!!!
This!!!
If he is taking the kids so BM can do things and that is cutting in to your time with him, then he is not ready to have a relationship.
The only way to build a relationship is to make time for it.
My advice would be to move out and take a step back. Your BF does not seem to have made time for a relationship in his life. That’s okay for him, as long as that’s the life he’s chosen, but it’s not the life you’ve chosen and you deserve to be happy and be treated well, too.
No, you are not being
No, you are not being unreasonable. Success in any blended family relationship is hinged on the partners putting each other and the relationship above all else as their joint priority. Kids are the top relationship responsibility but they do not and cannot ever trump the relationship.
The SKids are obviously your BF's priority. You are not. The relationship is not. He needs to learn in a hurry that to have a viable long term relationship he must put the relationship first and interface with his kids in strict alignment with the Custody/Visitation/Support CO and hold his XW accountable for caring for the kids on her time. EOWE is not a viable schedule for a successful blended marriage IMHO. As the NCP he needs to develop a Skid schedule that gives him the time for a relationship and time with his kids. HE needs to do the work to make a true blended family that fully integrates you in his life rather than you being a side line.
The one key advantage that an NCP has is that they do not have to take their CO'd visitation. He needs to adjust his time with his kids to make his relationship with you his priority. PERIOD!
If he doesn't you are wasting your time with this guy and his prior relationship baggage.
Good luck. Take care of you.
Similar
I have similar feelings even though my husband only has one son. We also only have him on the weekends. He goes out of his way to make his son feel like he is the number one priority. Which usually makes me feel like an outcast. I can’t help but feel like a fixture of a ‘new’ life that neither of them really want but are making the best. I appreciate that you asked your man for a specific evening or weekend each month. I want to try that!
Good luck to you, I hope it
Good luck to you, I hope it works!
Thank you all
I found something useful in all of the comments and also more to think about. I feel if we came this far and we're so good together it's worth trying everything before we move on with our separate lives. I will give it some more time (a month) and see how it goes, see if he will keep his promise and take some time just for us. And if not.... I know what to do. At least thanks to all of you I know now it's perfectly normal to feel the way I feel and I'm not acting crazy!
Have you point blank
Have you point blank confronted him about the terms and conditions that you both agreed on, in order for you to move in, and the fact that they haven't been adhered to?
4 kids means single forever.
4 kids means single forever. It doesn't matter how golden the weewee, you'll be left out of A LOT, and I personally could never justify being with someone with that much responsibility.
I find myself left out of her life more than I'd like and she has ONE child.
Thankfully, we have a shared daughter that I spend most of my time with.
Assuming you don't have children of your own, you could totally find just as great of a guy that doesn't have children. If I came here before I got married, I would have surely left before I got dug in, and I'm willing to bet a majority of step parents would say the same.
What does that quote mean :
What does that quote mean : "It doesn't matter how golden the wee wee " .... ? I've never heard of it before.
How "great and awesome and
How "great and awesome and involved" he is.
And remember
This is a BF, Thia is the best it’s going to be. Once married it’s going to get worst. He is stilling trying to please the EX. Not you. Always remember having the kids 24/7/365 is only one BM accident away.
Some people have a hard time
Some people have a hard time trying to find a balance especially with 4 children. He has a lot on his plate and personally don't think he's ready to be in a relationship if he keeps placing you in the back burner. I think you had a good idea of having a serious talk with him and giving him a dead line to see if he makes changes. If he doesn't by expected date than you do what you need to do and move on. At least you can say you gave him the opportunity to make changes and create time for you. If he doesn't than you know where you stand.
Wishing you well! Hopefully he can find a way to balance it all out.
You have to be the kindest
You have to be the kindest lady around to even consider taking on 4 children. This situation gets no better, it never improves, even when they are adults.
Find a man worthy of you (without kids), if you can avoid this step situation do it, you have no children of your own and the writing is already on the wall for your future. Think about it...
You deserve soooooo much better....