Expectation to love my SD as much as my own???
My spouse expects me to love, adore, cherish, worship her SD11 as much as I do my own daughter. I don't and never will. It is just not the same. My spouse says that I have double standards for their respective behaviors. I do. I can tolerate much more with my own daughter. I find my SD11 annoying much of the time but I do love her still and provide for her. I just don't enjoy her company as much as that of my own daughter. I share custody with my daughter. My SD lives with us FULL TIME. It is hard because it is always about her and now we have been told by the school that she has emotional disturbances and a learning disorder. That makes her even more of the focus. She is actually a sweet kid but has some behaviors that make me want to pull my hair out. Contrast that to my own daughter who is has no issues (THANK GOD) and is a scholar, with much better behaviors ( and dare I say "normal"...I know...sounds heartless) all around.
I didn't give birth to my own daughter, something that my spouse brings up as a way to bolster the argument that I am capable of loving my SD in the same way.
How can I get my spouse to stop pressuring me though guilt or anger to feel the same way about her kid?
Well, it would help if you
Well, it would help if you eased up on the double standards that you said you had. It sounds like your daughter is doing well so maybe you might want to explain a bit more about the double standards.
Are you saying, for instance, you don't expect your kid to make her bed while she's with you because it's just a weekend but you expect the other kid to make it every day? That's probably not a great idea.
Having said that, you don't have to love anyone. I do happen to love my ss but that's because our relationship has grown in the 2 years we've been married and he's so lovable it's super easy to. SD15 is a way different story. I suppose I have a certain kernel of love for her because she is part of my husband. But that's it. Not a scrap more.
My dh tells me all the time he never expected anyone to take so much interest in his kids and he's super grateful for anything I do for them or put up with. Your partner needs to think about that for a minute. I'm pretty sure my partner is happier with me than yours is with you for strictly the reason of HIS own attitude. She'd be happier if she remembered you don't have to be around her kid for one minute if you don't want to.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comments. Perhaps I should clarify the "double standards". Well honestly there really are none. I mean, I expect the same level of courtesy, politeness, etc etc from both. I guess what I really meant to stress was that my SD's bad behaviors get on my nerves more. And that is what my spouse accuses me of having double standards about. Like why it is way more annoying when my SD leaves her trash around. Well, maybe it is because she does it constantly and my daughter forgets only once in awhile Or maybe....because she is not my kid and I have her FULL TIME and yes, her behaviors are far more glaringly worse. Now I think some of you have a point and a good one it is: I AM SICK AND TIRED OF MY SPOUSE's LAZY parenting style, the inconsistencies, the bickering with me about it, the undoing of what I do right in front of the kid undermining me. I kinda realized that full force this weekend when we went away. I took a walk with my SD, just her and I. It was so enjoyable, so much more fun that when my spouse is around to always micro manage every word and behavior towards the kid. We both relaxed. And we talked about it too. SD admitted that to me that she feels more at ease when it is just her and I together. GO FIGURE. My spouse is the problem. My SD can be annoying but she is just a kid and I love her and want her to grow up well, learn the things she needs to and have a productive life.
Bonding takes time so thanks to those of you who reminded me about that. Who knows how life goes though, maybe at the end of my life I will be loving my SD more than my spouse!!!!
And yes, my relationship is impossibly difficult at times and I wrestle with that. God is guiding my steps at this point.
This is 99% of why this forum
This is 99% of why this forum has to exist:
"I AM SICK AND TIRED OF MY SPOUSE's LAZY parenting style, the inconsistencies, the bickering with me about it, the undoing of what I do right in front of the kid undermining me."
Congratulations on your epiphany and high five for your nice walk with your sd. Hope you can now work on issues between you and spouse.
Chief...you are so
Chief...you are so right!!!!!!!!!! NUTSHELL my friend indeed! Issues with my spouse are ongoing. Basically we are not happy but just trying to hang in there for now. Spouse will be done with school a year from now making about 100k. I am the breadwinner in this 2 year old marriage. Luckily we have no kids together but I fear getting hit with alimony. If things are the same way next year, I see my spouse walking out the door as soon as that high paying job comes in with absolutely no regard for the $$$ I have spent keeping us all afloat. Spouse has not worked since marriage. Came from a different country. I was so "in love" I made all of it happen. What a dummy I was.