The Ex --- she's in denial.
This is my first post-- this seems like a great site to get perspective on my issue. I married last October - we are both in our 50's. He left his wife some 15 years ago and has 2 grown up sons - 29 with 3 kids of his own and 26 - still lives at home with his Mom.
His ex is invited to all family functions of his. At first I laughed but I am beginning to think there is more to it. She has no family to speak of of her own - 2 brothers that don't talk to her and one distant cousin. It's like she has latched on to her ex's family..... at these functions her partner (of 15 years!!) doesn't go - says he doesn't like family functions (but then it's not her family!) So she stalks my husband, talking about their kids and how their grandkids are so like theirs when they were babies and all the wonderful things they used to do together (which afterwards my husband says were either not true or not how he recollects them) The last function, we all stayed in his sisters house. As we left in the morning she (dressed in dressing gown) moves to my husband, hand on the back of his head and gives him a kiss on the lips. At recent Hen night for his niece, she was there too -- photos up on the wall of the bride as she is growing up -- including one the ex-wife bought -- not really of the girl as a toddler but of her and her ex (my husband) looking very happy and smiley, hand in hand - hardly appropriate to the occasion. I have not talked to his sisters about this .... the eldest one said when we first all met 'it's good we can all be friends' but secretly I think both the ex and the family never got over the divorce and are in denial.... no-one moved on apart from my husband. I then found out my HB was facebook friends with his ex. I lost the plot and told him to block her -- why would he want to be friends with someone who embarrasses him? Now he won't talk about it at all and gets angry with me for even mentioning her name.
I feel like she's trying to show me the power she has in the family and doesn't want to lose her Queen Bee status. My husband says he is embarrassed by her presence and wishes his sisters would not invite her. He will, however not say anything to them. When/If I refuse to go he simply says 'well, she's won then'. It will come to a head in July at the nieces wedding. The ex is invited to stay in his sisters house (along with his other 2 sisters) whilst we have to pay for local accommodation (c $300). In front of them, I say nothing - have even volunteered to bake cakes for the house to enjoy on the days ahead of the wedding........It's got to the stage where I think it would be best if we just go for the service and come home.
This is really undermining my confidence both in my husband (who I am losing respect for because he wont address it with his sisters) and in the new family... How can I address this?
I'm stuck on BM kissing your
I'm stuck on BM kissing your husband.
What did you and your husband do/say about the kiss? If she felt comfortable enough to kiss him on the lips, I'll bet anything he's screwing her. That kiss was her way of letting you in on their little secret.
Why did you agree to stay overnight in the same house as BM?
Yes - I was shocked at how
Yes - I was shocked at how she kissed him and how comfortable she felt doing this in front of others.
I knew she was to be in same house and I felt uncomfortable so we only stayed one night and not the two his sisters expected. As soon as I found out she was there I altered our plans so we did not have to stay longer than necessary - but we all made excuses - my husband did not address it with his sisters - either they genuinely want us to be 'friends' or (as I suspect) they want to see the fireworks when I lose it. Part of me even thinks the family would like it if they got back together again after all this time (I know his sons would)
Agreed to stay over as my husband doesn't want to make an issue of it... thing is - part of me doesnt want to make it an issue but then she behaves like this and I don't find it acceptable. . She is here and now and best of buddies with the sisters and clinging on to the 'good old days' - but they can't have been good - he left!
Welcome to ST! This seems on
Welcome to ST! This seems on the surface, a ridiculous situation and it is hard to see why everyone has maintained the charade for so long. Fifteen years is a long time.
If it were me, I would be inclined to tell your DH you are not prepared to allow the status quo to continue - he must tackle this with his sisters and tell them he and you are NOT happy for his exW to carry on attending family functions as it makes you both uncomfortable. But you have to have something to back it up with - ie a consequence for him if he refuses. Would it be that you attend no more functions? Or that you end your relationship with him? Perhaps if he realised he might lose you it might knock some sense into his head.
I could perhaps understand better if the exW was a lonely divorcee, but she HAS a partner! And the poor man obviously finds it as awkward as you do! Perhaps you should contact him - only joking.
I think your biggest problem is your husband's attitude. He is colluding with her behaviour, this was especially evident over the FB issue. He gets angry when you mention her name? But its not really surprising that you have issues with how he's behaving with her, is it? His family all see nothing wrong as they're all stuck in a time warp. Nobody seems to care how this impacts on you - least of all your husband. HE's the one who has to change his attitude, big time. If he won't, maybe you need to reassess your options going forward.
UM.NO. I agree with pp tell
UM.NO.
I agree with pp tell YOUR husband this nonsense comes to a shrieking HALT, NOW, and frankly, I'd go a step further and tell her "partner" about her behaviors as well! I'd be screaming like a loon at the top of my lungs to everyone around that this is NOT OK!!! And if he won't, then I'd seriously be contemplating the state of your union and where it goes from here. Nobody saying anything about any of it just gives silent endorsement of it all!
Wow! I'm so sorry you've found yourself having to deal with this!
It's nice to know that I'm
It's nice to know that I'm not the only one seeing issues with this..... I should've trusted my instincts from the beginning - but as you say this is all collusive behaviour and the silence around it (even mine) makes everyone think it is acceptable when it isn't. I have no issues with her being at family functions if she was close to a particular niece by marriage (but to be honest I think it part of her sad charade of happiness) but she has no grace or emotional intelligence to consider her ex or his new partner. And simply hasn't moved on with her life - she got with her partner within weeks of my husband leaving her but never married or had more kids.
His eldest son recently had 3rd grandchild. We made 4 hour trip to see them. The Ex found out we were going and arranged to be there same time. When we found that out we altered our plans to go the next day. Guess what she turned up too, saying her son 'wanted a picture of the new baby with her and her ex' ie not with me. So she turns up and the picture gets taken. I talked to my husband saying they were recreating a past that didn't exist. All through this to the family I am smiles.... I even made the son and new grand child the most gorgeous chocolate iced cake (& made sure I showed it to his ex!) But I don't want to compete ... I just want her to go away!
So, you just married dh last
So, you just married dh last October, but they've been divorced for 15 years? How long did you know and date dh before thing the knot? How have you as an individual been generally received by his adult kids, and family? It seems to me, to be possible, that maybe he and the ex, despite being legally divorced, have been carrying on for awhile???
And regard to the grown up
And regard to the grown up step sons.... at best they are 'polite'...... the eldest does his best to ignore me and finds eye contact/conversation difficult. We once went to their apartment and he all but ignored me .... I just got talking to the grand kids instead -- much more interesting! The other one is polite but you can tell in their body language that they're not interested. But they're not kids. It does annoy me that any time they turn up for lunch or to stay for a night/few days they bring absolutely nothing with them ... flowers/wine/chocs.... zilch. I just think that's bad manners -- and have said so to Husband. He tolerate it but then is still in so much guilt for leaving them when they were young...... They came to our wedding -- but we paid for their suit hire/accommodation/food .... it was like 'if you want us to be there, pay for it' ---- and we got no gift from either of them.... BTW.... the ExW apparently sent a text to my husband on wedding day to wish him well... yeah, right......
We dated for about 3 years
We dated for about 3 years before we married. I met the ex once at a family Christening (I did think it was odd as this was for HIS niece's child) but it was sort of OK ... that's when the sister said 'it's good we can all be friends' ... even then though, every conversation I had with her, I had to hear how she'd done it all before/done it better... even to the extent that when she found out where we'd been on holiday, the next year she'd booked the same resort for her and partner...... when you say 'legally divorced' ... funny thing -- they hadn't legally divorced until a year after we met.......... he said 'he just hadn't gotten round to it..... I thought at the time it was odd. And no wonder that none of his other relationships had worked.... they were all competing with this ex.
Wow! You're much more
Wow! You're much more tolerant than I could ever be!
My Husband and his ex were together 25 years, married for 20...she left him 4 months prior to us meeting...and I had my serious reservations about him not getting over her, etc. I drew some pretty hefty lines in the sand. It's either ON or ts OFF. Nopes, we're not ever going to be friends. The days of intermingling holidays, family events, OVER. BM/EX wanted an affair and a divorce, so by George she gets one! COMPLETELY.
Now, dh, his family, EVERYTHING is MINE. She's gets no benefit, social, financial, or otherwise.
If our paths cross because of children, I'll be as civil as I am to the grocery store clerk or public at large.
I really think you're being snowed here my dear. The question is why? And what happens next?
Oh heck no, I wouldn't
Oh heck no, I wouldn't tolerate that for a second! What kinda pansy ass sucker is your DH? I'd be sure to tell him when I refuse to go to any functions she will be at "not only has she not won, if you step out with her you're the loser their are no winners here."
<-----THIS. Very well stated!
<-----THIS. Very well stated!
Thanks guys. I did miss stuff
Thanks guys. I did miss stuff but sort of assumed it would be OK - clearly it isn't and I can't live with it so it has to change. It's good we have this wedding in July I aim to sort it one way or the other before then and I am clear what I want. I was beginning to think that it was just me and an unreasonable jealousy but reading your replies makes me stronger than ever on this -- so thanks a bunch and hopefully I'll post a reply to one of you one day and hope that helps. ATB.
A partially clad woman full
A partially clad woman full on kissed your DH in front of you and they are both still alive?
I probably would have made an ass of myself by throwing the biggest fit known to mankind.
I do not recommend making an ass of oneself but the next time she so much as touches your DH's sleeve you should calmly and quietly tell her to keep her mangy c-word claws off of YOUR husband.
It's amazing how effective it can be to say the most horrible things (to someone who deserves it) in a quiet little voice with a fake smile on your face.
I cannot believe your DH has so little respect for you that he is okay with this. I don't even want BM kissing DH's ass.
Why say this just to the
Why say this just to the woman???
Something has to be going on with them.
No man allows a woman to kiss him for unless he wants to be kissed.
Well I did say that BOTH were
Well I did say that BOTH were lucky to still be alive.
I'd do the "quiet fake smile" thing with her in public but let DH have it big time but in private.
That is so disrespectful. I
That is so disrespectful. I would have flipped.
It's being going on too long
It's being going on too long - they all colluded for over 15 years....... and everyones' right -- my DH should have sorted this out 15 years ago..... now they all have an extra 15 years of history/celebrations/weddings/etc that she's been to - and they all thought it was OK. If I step in now and get him to lay the law down, I am the one who will be the b***h .... "we were all OK till SHE (ie Me) came along 'why can't we all just be friends' ......
I love the 'golden uterus' description - this is SO her.... at the last event, in front of me and my now husband she described to a third party who asked 'what's the news?'..... oh, she said, eyes just for my DH 'We're having a Baby',,,,, the third party looked shocked and looked at me so she giggled and said 'well, our son is having a baby and we're so excited'..... she never gave me eye contact once. It's only afterwards you think of what you should have said........
I am not going to be able to keep quiet next time she pulls this sort of stuff - maybe they will think bad of me but it's my life and I don't want her in it any more than is necessary ref the grandkids -- and even that his adult sons should deal with......