I can understand, although I have not been through this same scenario. Honestly, divorce really sucks, so does having kids out of wedlock and encountering this situation. I wish there was an answer. We as adults are supposed to "suck it up", but nobody understands how this truly affects our families. While it is true that it is not the child's fault, the fact is that we now have someone in our home who has very different beliefs, discipline, etc. than our own child and unfortunately, they WILL impact our home greatly and the life of our child. Many say "get over it", but I it is just like having a neighbor who does not behave well in your home and not having a voice. It is like constantly having to keep your mouth shut about so many things, including nice things you do, because now anything can and will be used against you. To top it all off, most of the time the bigger issues arise from the BMs who now will do anything possible to control our lives and our DHs who forget about their family and now cater to "another" family. I wish I could give you advice, unfortunately, I have none. I will advise ANYONE who is considering dating a man with kids to look elsewhere and to stay as far away as possible. Once in the situation, I don't have any advice. I can tell you that it has truly worn me out, sucked the life out of me and negatively impacted my mental and physical health and it is the biggest regret in my life.

PS - the ONLY thing that saved me somewhat was ensuring that I left the house when the kid would come over to avoid the crap that I had to put up with and ensure my son was not negatively impacted by the crap

Yes your husband has another child - but do not let him guilt you or try to convince you that you have another child. Because you do not.

You do not have to be a "parent" to this child. You should be kind to him and never treat him poorly but this is not and never will be YOUR child unless that is a decision you and you alone want to make.

You can treat him as a nephew that is visiting. I assume he is not living with you full time.

Since he has anger issues please make sure that you protect your young daughter.

Your husband may be eaten up with guilt over a bad decision he made at 19. He may want to go overboard with trying to make up for lost time. And he did make a very bad decision to walk away from his child for a decade. But that was HIS decision not yours. But being an overindulgent father now is not the way to be an effective parent either.

Of course you are dismayed by this. But you do have some choices. You should separate your finances if possible. If you do not have a career I suggest you get some training to get one as this is going to effect your family finances big time.

Your pretty picture life does have a big black smudge on it. But you personally do not have to try to make amends for your husband's mistakes. Do not let him dictate what YOU should be doing for this child. Because other than being kind and fair to him you do not owe the child much.