Everything has to be "equal"
DH and I have been married 10 years. He has 2 bio kids and I have 1. We both have joint custody, 50/50. We are upper middle income, as is his ex. My ex, however, is very low income. As a result, my DD has 2 very different lifestyles that she goes back and forth between, while DHs kiddos lifestyles are pretty much the same at each house.
DHs kids often come over in new clothes, shoes, etc., from bio moms. They also go on multiple vacations with her each year. My kiddo gets most of her clothes from me, and any fun trip she goes on is also with us.
So here's my frustration ... DH thinks everything we do for all 3 kids has to be equal. If I get a new pair of shorts for my DD, we have to get the other two something also. He says it's not fair to factor in what happens at their other houses, they should all be treated equally in our house.
Does anyone else deal with this?
I think a household should
I think a household should strive for "fair", not necessarily "equal".
My OSS is older and bigger, so his shoes and clothes are more expensive. He is also growing faster than my YSS. This means we buy OSS more in quantity and expense. Does that mean that I need to hand my YSS a check for the difference I paid, or buy him clothes he doesn't need just because his brother needed them? No.
However, if I buy OSS lunch somewhere, I am going to pick up something for YSS, too. OSS certainly doesn't NEED Taco Bell, so it wouldn't feel right to buy him some tacos but leave his brother eating a PB&J.
If you and your DH share finances, I think it is reasonable that when the kids NEED something, it's okay to only buy for that kid. If, however, you are buying or financing WANTS, all kids should be included so long as all kids are worthy (e.g. good grades, polite).
If, however, your finances are separate, you can do with your daughter as you wish monetarily. However, keep in mind that your DH can do the same, meaning your daughter could feel shafted if DH goes nuts buying his kids everything under the sun.
I agree that things should be
I agree that things should be fair, this does not mean being "equal". Your DH's bios should get whatever new clothes they NEED (not want) whether they get them from their mother or your household shouldn't be a factor. If she buys them loads of new clothes then they are obviously being well catered for there, you should not have to buy them more just because you buy your bio child clothes.
I don't know what age all the children are, but if you have been together ten years, then I imagine at least early teens. When my own bios got to about 13 I started giving them a clothes allowance of a reasonable amount each month. Out of this they were expected to buy all their own clothes and shoes, excuding school uniform. This helps with budgeting skills and teaching them some independence too. It might help your problem as well.
You DH is missing the plot I
You DH is missing the plot I think. He pays CS so that his X can provide the basics for the Skids including clothing.
If the Skids do not need clothes, there is no need to buy them more clothes just because you purchase clothing for your DD. Of course if the Skids are in your home they get fed like any other kid in your home.
Unless your DH has some underlying guilt driving this perspective... he has issues. Well... I suppose he has issues either way.
Thanks for the support and understanding!
Our kids are all early teens. I bring in 90% of our income with a high level job. DH does some consulting from home and manages household. We both pay CS to our exes in small amounts. Other than that our finances are combined- although we each have a personal "allowance" each week for discretionary spending
I agree that wants and needs are different. I was referring to needs. I often take DHs daughter shopping for clothes too. Just heaven forbid I buy something, even as small as a pair of PE shorts, for my DD and don't get anything for his two.
I am just worn out by the score keeping.
My DH struggled with this
My DH struggled with this concept too. But with just the two skids. If i bought SD9 something she needed (because she grew and legit needed it) he thought SD5 needed one too. I lost it. I dind't get it. I'm the primary earer right now, BM is who even knows where, and DH is in school. Everything they get is primarily funded by me. Which I'm fine with, but I don't have extra money to throw around right now, so it's on a need base.
It took forever but he finally got it. The girls are going to need things at different times, and neither of them actually care that the other got something and they didn't unless an adult says something... Keep working at it, hopefullly he'll get the logic through his thick man-skull like mine finally has. Maybe you could even bring the comparison that his kids come in new things, so since they showe dup in new stuff, it only makes sense that your DD would get something new too. Maybe he'l lfinally realize how stupid all that sounds.