Does anyone have a "neutral" (meaning not your home or your ex'es home) drop off/pick up location?
Okay this is part question, part vent:
Question: Does anyone have a "neutral" (meaning not your home or your ex'es home) drop off/pick up location, and if so, why did you decide to make the location NOT at your homes? (Other than for distance/logistical reasons).
Vent: My ex and I live less than 10 minutes apart. I've told him that from now on all the exchanges will happen in front of his place (or, at a parking lot that is between both our homes, if he wishes) and the he won't be coming to my home for drop offs or pick ups any more. The reason is, he is a jack ass and won't stay in his car.
He always has to get out of his car, stand on the sidewalk in front of my home, pace around waiting for my son to come out if he is early, or stand there waiting and say really loudly "Hey Buddy!!!!" and give him a loud bear hug, or swing him around, or if he's dropping off he has to get out of his car and make a big scene saying goodbye to our son, doing all these handshakes... you get the picture.
For years I've been just ignoring it but we have the kind of street where the houses are close, people are always in their yards or porches, etc and everyone always has to see "the show". My ex does this just to be a jack ass and cause a scene. He could greet him or say bye IN THE CAR but he always comes out to do the show. Once he was mad about something and came out, stood there with his arms folded and just GLARED at our house. He's a ridiculous embarrassment.
So anyway since he refuses to respect my wishes and stop with the sidewalk scenes, I've had enough and of course he is resisting the idea that he can no longer come to my home and make a scene. I told him his options are, I will do all the driving (hello? this just saves him gas!) or we can meet at the parking lot (again, in between our homes and saves him gas).
(more vent) Like, who needs
(more vent)
Like, who needs to exit the car, stand on the sidewalk, and yell "hey buddy!!!!!!" when they see their son, swing him around, laugh fakely and loudly... keep in mind he sees our son often, it's not like he hasn't seen him in weeks or months!... Why does he need to exit it his car, go around to the sidewalk, do this big hug and handshakes and loud goodbyes...
I mean who DOES this??? Just say bye in the car!!!
Oh and my ex isn't a loud, outgoing, hearty, bluffy type of person. He is normally quiet and reserved. So it's not like, oh that's just him being him. This is him being a jackass on purpose to make a scene and get the neighbors to notice or to annoy me.
Friends have said oh well let him be a jackass in front of your house, but I've had it.
Yes. We got sick and tired
Yes. We got sick and tired of the craziness that BM pulled at our 1st home together, then when we moved to an apt DH did ALL pick-up/drop-offs at her place...when we moved to our NEW home, she wanted to do pick-ups at OUR home and DH said no...so they agreed on pick-up at an mall that was closer to our home than theirs, but still at least 5 miles or more away from our home. It worked out great. No more issues with her. By the way, most of the time, her husband did the pick-up, not her.
This is what I thought. That
This is what I thought. That other people do the "not at our home" kid exchanges.
His response to me has been "I don't answer to you". Typical childish, you-can't-tell-me- what-to-do response.
He seems to think he has the RIGHT to come to my home. Our custody agreement says nothing about where exchanages take place, just days/times and that the receiving parent does the transporting.
Oh by the way he used to stick notes and envelopes with checks, etc. ON MY DOOR or stick them inside my mailbox. Time and time again I told him stay off my property and you have to MAIL things, not stick them in my mailbox or on my door.
After saying this many, many times, I had to start just throwing things away and he FINALLY clued in to what I was doing.
He just refuses to respect boundaries and respect my wishes and uses my home to make scenes or come on my property. I have had it and I'm now telling him, you're not coming here any more.
Don't I have the right to say this???!!!
When we all lived in the same
When we all lived in the same town it was a McDonald's parking lot, I refused to let her in my home! Eventually, I just got tired of her crap when it was drop off and pick up time. She would always ask for more money during these times (sorry, but when you're driving a $850 a month Suburban then you don't get to ask for more money!). I eventually disengaged from those times as well and stopped going with my DH, it kept my BP down and I didn't have to see her ugly face!
Now we live far far away!! Skids fly to see us during the summer and I will probably never have to see BM until skids graduate or get married!! YAY!!!
She asked for more money
She asked for more money during exchanges at the McDonald's parking lot??? CLassy!!
My husband originally had a
My husband originally had a neutral drop off/pick up place because the ex is bat shit crazy. He also always took someone with him in the beginning.
Tell him you will meet him at such and such place and if he is not there, just take your son to his house.
When he says, "I don't answer to you" tell him you don't need an answer, this is just how it's going to be!
I believe it is illegal to put things in people's mailboxes (if you are not a mail carrier).
He is now saying "I don't
He is now saying "I don't accept your offer". I told him, "It's not an offer. You cannot insist on coming to my home."
I told him we will just have to meet at neutral location and I specified the place which is halfway between our homes.
I already know what is going to happen. He won't be at the location, he will instead come here early. When I pull out of garage with BS to head to location, BS will see the jackass in front of our house and be confused and upset when we just drive past him.
Yes, the jackass will cause this much of a bad scene, just to get his way and not be "told what to do".
Then BS and I will be at the location, but ex-jackass will be at my home. Then what?
I feel like punching something....
Leave earlier and take your
Leave earlier and take your son to his house? I don't know, it could get comical with each of you trying to beat each other but not a good situation for your son! How old is he, by the way?
Once, BM told my husband to meet her at one place but went to another on purpose. Then she told SD, "See, your dad doesn't even want to see you." She was 7.
When my husband started taking SD directly to BM's, then it became a matter of her bitching if he was 1 minute early or late (he's always ten minutes early everywhere). When SD reached a certain age, she realized on her own why he waited around the corner from BM's until exactly 6:00 P.M. Because her mother is a loon!
What an ass your ex is. Too bad you can't punch him.
I told him "I will be at <>.
I told him "I will be at <>. If you're not there, you can explain to BS why."
Our son is 11.
He is going to turn this into WWIII because he can't stand the fact that I can decide that he can't make scenes in front of my home.
I guess you could explain to
I guess you could explain to your son that you and ex-jackass now have a different arrangement, and gee, you hope ex-jackass remembers. And then, yes, let jackass explain to him why he was not there.
In our case, by the time SD was 11, she knew her mother was not right in the head.
Already answered my first
Already answered my first question...I think you need to see an attorney. You can't deny visits and he can't cause scenes in front of your house. Can you threaten police action (not that that would be a good idea if you actually did it)?
But I don't want to deny
But I don't want to deny visits, I just want to have neutral exchange location between homes, and I'm posing no barrier whatsoever to his visits. And it doesn't say anywhere in our custody agreement that the exchanges have to be at our homes.
I think I may have to say, if you refuse to meet at neutral location and you end up taking BS back to your home when I am supposed to get him back, then I will have no choice but to call police.
I *really* don't want to do all this! And subject my son to the drama. I just want him to stop coming to my home. I mean, if he could just stay in his car, I wouldn't be trying to change anything, but he INSISTS on making a scene and "won't be told what he can or can't do". He's so immature and ridiculous.
It's like dude, make a scene anywhere else in the world that you want, just not in front of my home any more. He just doesn't get it.
I guess girls are more mature
I guess girls are more mature and can see things for what they are, like your SD.
BS thinks ex-H is great. I mean I'm glad he has a good relationship with his dad. I really truly am.
But that doesn't mean I have to put up with his bullshit. Hello that goes with this thing called DIVORCE!!!
I am going to explain to my son about new arrangement, exactly like you said. I hate to drag BS into this at all but jackass is forcing it to be so. Ex-H will tell BS, oh your mom said I can't come to your house any more and then BS will come to me asking why.
How do I explain, because your dad is a jackass? I can't.
I have to think ahead to what to do when it's time to get BS back. Because if jackass comes to my home, while I am at location, and calls me and says "well I'm at your house dropping off BS, where are you?" and I say "I'm at location" and it's a stalemate... GOD would he really take it that far? What do I do then? What if he takes BS back to his house saying well your mom wasn't home when I tried to drop you off. Then what, I have to call the police? THis is so frustrating but I'm not giving in to this asshole.
I've been putting up with this for YEARS and am finally putting my foot down. I don't know how far he will take it just to be a stubborn ass.
If he asks why jackass can't
If he asks why jackass can't come to the house anymore you just say, "Well, it's just best to meet in the middle." or something, since you can't say "Your dad's a jackass" (too bad, huh?).
As for getting him back, when you drop him off, loudly say, so BS as well as jackass hears, "Ok, I'll meet you back here on such and such day at such and such time."
Jackass will look like a jackass if he goes to your house after that.
The first "neutral location
The first "neutral location exchange" will happen when I get BS back on Thurs. Because:
Each Wednesday, I drop BS off at his grandparents (Ex-H's parents) to spend the afternoon with them. They also live nearby so I am happy to drive BS there (they are nice/sane people). Wednesday late afternoon Ex-H picks up BS from his parents and keeps him over night.
So this will all start Thursday morning. Ex-H used to drop off BS at my home Thursday mornings. Now I will be waiting at specified location.
Fairly sure Ex-H will stubbornly just bring BS to my home while I am waiting at location, then call me and play the stupid game of calling me and saying "I'm at your house with BS to drop him off, where are you?".
I predict a whole stupid game will have to be played out Thursday morning. I'll say I'm at the location and he'll say well come home because we are here waiting for you. Then what do I do? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
You won't have much choice
You won't have much choice but to go home (so you don't look like the ass, I mean it is where you live, although it would be fun to wait him out), BUT once you get there then proclaim the new arrangements so everybody hears and there will no future "misunderstandings". I know you hate to drag your son into it (and I understand) but you might say, "You can help jackass, I mean, Dad remember for next time, right?" or something like that.
I am now fully determined to help you beat this jackass down!
Thanks! I clearly need the
Thanks!
I clearly need the support and help and I *am* determined to beat the jackass down.
I like your idea and I will try it, but somehow I have a feeling I won't get the chance to proclaim the new arrangements to them when I get back home.
Because if I pull into driveway, get right out of my car and walk straight over to them parked on the street, jackass will know I'm about to say something and will probably let BS out of the car and drive away before I have a chance to say anything.
And thus, will have gotten his way that he got to do the kid exchange in front of my house.
If he happens to be doing his typical manuever (standing on sidewalk/making loud scene of a goodbye) then I will have the chance. But knowing him, he'll just say "Well I never agreed to that. BYEEE BUDDDYYY!!!!!!!" and leave.
It's good I don't have a gun, yes?
Well, we'll see what happens
Well, we'll see what happens and then just have to figure something else out if it doesn't work. Geez, I wish I had a gun!
I will report back on
I will report back on Thursday....
I am not backing down. This man is a bully and a stubborn jerk and I'm finally demanding respect.
Thank you guys so much for
Thank you guys so much for talking to me about this! It's driving me crazy and I have nobody else (besides DH) to talk to about this. It's too embarrassing to talk to friends about, especially those who don't have ex'es or visitation or any of that...
this jackass sounds like
this jackass sounds like fucko. (my ex). he never bothered to stick to a visiting schedule, he would just disappear for a few years, then pop up out of nowhere (cuz i know how to put down roots and not live like a nomad) demanding to see my daughter. he would show up unannounced, unexpected, uninvited and unwanted, but thought he could tell me what to do. he would come into my home and plant his skanky ass on my couch and refuse to leave because i wasn't giving him what he wanted (love, adoration, free ticket out of cs, etc). he usually pulled this shit with a gf to show her how tough (moronic) he was, and that he runs the show. not in my house, mf'r! every single time, i had to be on the phone with the police before he would move his ass. even just telling him if he didn't go i was going to call wasn't enough, i had to make good on my threat. then he would disappear for another few years until he felt like pulling the same shit. funny how now that i'm living with a man and not alone (for the past 7 years) he hasn't tried that shit. hmm...
Whoa. Nobody gets to plant
Whoa.
Nobody gets to plant their skanky ass on my couch without my permission, LOL! Least of all my Ex-h! Yours is even crazier than mine. Lord how do we deal with these self absorbed egotistical idiots...
oh, he's f'g crazy. showed up
oh, he's f'g crazy. showed up at my house after i hadn't seen him in years at 9am with some dumb ass gf on a saturday to "see my kid". wtf? i had a no smoking sign on my door. he asks if he can smoke in my house. like he's above my fucking rules! uh, no! i didn't even invite him in! his real reason for being there was not to see my daughter, he was there to demand that i drop cs because he would go to jail if i didn't. he actually stated it like him going to jail would be a problem for me!
he left pretty pissed off.
i think he's learned over the past 7 years and a couple of very nasty letters i sent him when he was in jail that if he ever comes to my home again (he doesn't know exactly where i live anymore, although i'm sure he has my address from court documents) i will not hesitate to warn him once, then pull out a gun. he also knows i'm older and wiser than i was at 24. and i have a grown man living here, too. i've made it very clear that his bullshit will not be tolerated and that it would be in his best interest not to even try it. if he does, he will get a bb to the ass (bullet if he wants to take it that far), a RO, and a harassment charge. dumb ass hasn't tried a damn thing since then. i think he's scared because i have a man now! haha! i'm pretty sure i could kick his skinny ass by my damn self! also, bd is no longer a little girl and she has told him herself that he can basically F off and she wants nothing to do with him, so he can't use her as an excuse anymore. and that's all she ever was to him. an excuse to F with me.
my wife and her ex meet at a
my wife and her ex meet at a nuetral location because one too many times he brought trouble to our doorstep.
but its nice having what privacy in our neighborhood that meeting him offsite brings. its never pleasant having a backwoods redneck jump outta his jacked up 4x4 pickem up truck and clomp his muddy redneck boots up your sidewalk every other week.
LOL. See WHY WHY WHY do they
LOL. See WHY WHY WHY do they have to get their cars anyway?
Just show up at the appointed time. Your child will be right out and wow he's old enough to open the car door and get in!
It's like the drive up window at fast food.... You don't even need to get outta the car, dipwad!
My ex jumps out of his show offy mercedes and acts like he hasn't seen his kid in a year or so. :sick:
Oh there have been several
Oh there have been several emails now so lots of documentation.
First I said I would just all the driving and all exchanges could be at his place (I stay in my car, and, he lives in a gate community). But he said no to that. He said "Changes in the routine are bad for BS". Oh barf. He demanded to know why I was trying to make the change so I told him -- because you won't stay in your car, you make scenes in front of my house and I'm done with it.
So he said no to me doing all the driving and having all exchanges at his place (idiot -- it would just save him gas plus like I said, gated community so I wouldn't even be near his house!). Since he said no to that, I said okay since neither of us want each other in front of our homes, then we will meet at (halfway point location).
He is saying no to that too. He thinks he can insist on coming to my home. He thinks he can refuse to meet me halfway at a neutral location. He's probably calling his lawyer as we speak to find out if he can legally insist. He is a stubborn, oppositional JACKASS.
See just like that. WHy did
See just like that. WHy did your BM think it was okay to even park on your driveway. Our BM did it too and would block me from getting out of my garage. People dont understand boundaries. Park on the street, off my property, biotch!