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Do blended families have to do EVERYTHING together??

keepitsimple203's picture

My fiance and I each have two children and they all get along very well. But I'm not sure that I was prepared to be part of a family of 6. It's a lot... especially when his kids are not very well behaved and tend to be quite embarrassing in public. I have to admit, I would NEVER let my biokids act the way his boys do. He lets SS9 and SS10 act like wild animals. They are sweet boys but loud, obnoxious, very high energy and have no "indoor voices". Taking all four kids to do anything is exhausting. So there are times when I would love to let him just take his boys and go do something without me and my kids. Am I wrong for that?

Don't get me wrong, we do a lot of stuff as a family. We had annual passes to Universal Studios last year and went almost every weekend that we had the kids. We go to the beach, bowling, hiking, etc. pretty often. And we ALL attend any sports event, concert, or school play that any of the kids is in. So we are a very involved family. But he's also the dad that feels like he needs to be taking the kids somewhere all the time and spending money on them. If it's a weekend and we don't have plans his boys immediately start complaining that they are bored and whining about what are going to do?? My BD6 and BS10 are used to entertaining themselves. When it was just the three of us we spent most weekends at home. I don't feel like I need to be constantly entertaining my kids. I have tried talking to SO multiple times about letting the kids just stay home sometimes. There's nothing wrong with telling them to find something to do!! I work 50-60 hours a week and that leaves Saturday and Sunday to clean, meal prep, etc. I don't want to be running around with all four kids all weekend. 

SO gets his feelings hurt and get whiney when I say that I think I'll just stay home with the biokids or if they are with my ex I'll tell him just take the stepkids to do whatever and I'm going to stay home and get some stuff done there. If I bail out of whatever plans he is making he will usually just decide to stay home with me. It drives me crazy!! I don't feel like just because we are all a "family" we should have to all be together 24/7. I don't understand why he's not comfortable taking his own kids and doing stuff without me.  I think it would be good for them and they would probably enjoy it! And my biokids HATE having plans every single weekend all weekend long. My son will ask me if we can please just relax at the house. He enjoys his time at home as do I. 

For those of you who have biokids and stepkids... do you do everything together? And do you feel like you have to be DOING something with the kids all the time? 

SonOfABrisketMaker's picture

your SO doesn’t actually like to parent his out of control kids and doesn’t want to do anything if the “real” grown up isn’t along to manage the chaos. 

His kids are relatively young. Can you really deal with this for the next 10 years? Is being with this man child worth your peace of mind? Is it worth your biokids’ peace of mind? If they are calm and quiet, the circus that rolls into their house might be very unsettling to them. It might be time to get your own place again and just date your SO when you have free time.

tog redux's picture

That's what I was thinking- he doesn't want to deal with his kids at home, so he takes them out to entertain them, but he doesn't want to deal with them there, either, unless OP is around to be the parent. 

juststressedbeyondbelief's picture

From my own personal experience, no, and I live with the stepdaughter full time.

My wife takes the stepdaughter out on her own often, I take my own daughter out on my own often.

We even have instances where my wife and I take our child out together while the stepdaughter is visiting with her biological father.

If it's not OK, it's probably intolerance on the part of your husband.

hereiam's picture

This would drive me absolutely nuts. There is no reason that your fiance cannot parent, I mean, entertain his children without you by his side.

Good grief, not an attractive trait, getting all whiny because you don't want to help him entertain his children.

My husband was not afraid to be with his daughter (now, 27) on his own, so I have no experience with this. He wanted me to do things with them and sometimes I did, but he was okay with me staying home or doing my own thing, too. He didn't always feel the need to take her out and about or constantly entertain her, either, that's not real life, as far as I'm concerned.

Honestly, had I had kids, I don't know that DH and I would have lived together until much further into the relationship.

HowBoutScottyDont's picture

My DH responds the same way... or at least he did until I shut it down. He wants us to do everything together at all times, although that usually means that the LOs and I are asked to tag along to whatever Skids, and mainly SD18, want to do. I shut him down long ago. I too work full time, and need Saturdays and Sunday to meal prep, pay bills, organize....

The only thing that got through to him in therapy was having designated time as a blended family. I would commit to one event each weekend, and that's it. The rest he agreed he was on his own or could join me and the LOs. And if I got sick or one of the LOs got sick, we agreed to cancel that event.

The reality is that in intact bio families, members do all different things as the kids grow. These fathers who divorce and remarry feel the need to make up for lost time and make each weekend a special event, rather than just living normal life. My DH once told me to do all the cooking, cleaning, taskers, etc during the week, so that I was free on the skid weekends. I laughed hard, and once I composed myself, I asked him how much he would be paying me to quit my day job in order to accomplish all that. He didn't ask again.

strugglingSM's picture

I don't have children of my own, but my DH leans towards the same behavior when SSs are around...they have to be constantly entertained or they complain that they're bored. Then BM threatens to take DH to court to reduce their visitation because the kids are bored, so don't like to go to our house. She claims it's traumatic for them to come to our house and be bored. Fun times. 

In my view, blended doesn't mean that you always have to do everything together all the time. Have you talked to your DH about your differences in behavior expectations? Was he open to a more collaborative approach? Maybe you should suggest that he spend some time alone just with his boys and you spend time just with your children.