DH a great dad, SD8 a good kid, so what's my problem?
I moved in with my fiance six months ago, we're getting married this summer.
He has shared custody of his DD8 and an amicable relationship with her BM. He's an attentive, loving, supportive dad, and she's a good kid.
But I'm having trouble.
It's increasingly hard for me to remain balanced and patient when she whines, acts babyish, disrespects her dad, and manipulates him emotionally.
I don't have any kids of my own by I did grow up in a large family. None of us were ever allowed to get away with what she does.
She's absolutely well-behaved with me. Doesn't pull any of the same stuff. My DH says she adores me and wants to please me.
I think she's happy with our new family and is still healing from her parents' divorce two years ago.
Here's the thing: I don't feel it's my place to interfere with their relationship. They're close, they're happy.
I'm assuming I should speak up when she does something directly to me that I think is out-of-line, and otherwise . . . let them do their thing and let it go?
Any and all advice most welcome!
Welcome Part of being a SM
Welcome
Part of being a SM is learning to pick and choose your battles wisely. I know that it has been difficult for me at times.
What worked for me was making a list of what I was willing to tolerate. One thing that I was not allowed to do growing up was keep a messy room. My SDs are great kids, but they're not the best at keeping their rooms neat. I decided that I can learn to tolerate that and just shut their room doors as long as DH is doing his job as a parent and making them treat me with respect. The same applies for the amount of time they spend watching tv, their mouthing off/whining on occasion (because let's face it, kids do that sometimes), and their lack of organization when it comes to their schoolwork. They do their homework and get good grades, but lose their planners all the time. As long as DH is enforcing basic household rules about treating everyone with respect, I can live with the behaviors I just mentioned.
Also, a lot of people here have bio-children who are 8+ years old. I don't have any bios either, so those posters can offer you much more helpful advice about appropriate expectations, rules, behavior and consequences for acting out for kids that age.
Does DH step up and enforce reasonable consequences when SD acts out, i.e. taking away tv privileges or sending her to her room? That really is the key. He needs to tell her that that behavior is unacceptable and what consequences she'll face, and then follow through when she acts up.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. Very helpful!
DH and I have talked about our parenting styles/expectations. The babyish behavior doesn't go over well with me, but he's said "it seems to bother you more than it bothers me!"
It's little stuff - whining and acting out when she wants to watch tv, for instance. She never displays this behavior toward me, only toward DH.
I guess that's my main question: do I get involved if it's really between DH and SD?
Its hard to say. If you
Its hard to say. If you don't, then you just start getting annoyed with DH and how SD will become if he continues to baby her. If you do, then you are getting involved to a point that you have to make sure you and he are comfortable with.
Right now sounds like a nice honeymoon phase for all of you. SD is happy and nice now, doesn't mean she will stay that way. The more involved you get and change things the more unhappy she will be.
We are in a honeymoon phase,
We are in a honeymoon phase, that's true! Important to set the foundation now, don't you think?
Here's the thing: my annoyance is my problem, right? SD is not being destructive or terrible, just bratty. He's HER daughter, and her behavior is the product of how he and BM have raised her.
I'm having trouble seeing where I fit in.
I know my perspective is valuable, and I care about SD and want her to be a happy, well-adjusted kid. But my thoughts are so critical right now....
Agreed, good foundation
Agreed, good foundation time
I have so felt like you. Where do I fit in. That bratty behavior really takes its toll. Your H should get it under control, but if he isn't willing to you don't want it to cause problems between you and him.
I don't think you should get
I don't think you should get involved right when she is acting out towards him, but later (i.e. once she's in bed or out of earshot) you should definitely be able to talk to FDH about this. I think if you calmly approach it from the angle that you really care about SD and want her to grow up to be a happy, healthy, productive adult, that will make him much more receptive to what you have to say. Listen to what he has to say, too.
I think for now, the best thing to do would be to come up with a game plan for how you each can handle the situation when SD acts out. When she's acting out towards him, he needs to be the one to enforce the consequences you both agreed on. When she acts out towards him, let him handle it appropriately and don't get involved. When she acts out towards you, you can calmly and firmly enforce the consequences you and FDH agreed on. If she goes to him to complain, he needs to say, "you need to show SM the same courtesy and obedience that you'd show to any other adult who is helping to take care of you. The consequences are still in effect until (a few hours from now, tomorrow, etc.). I love you very much, and I hope you'll use this as a learning experience to help you become a better person."
All such good advice, thank
All such good advice, thank you!
We have talked about it. Here's the thing: SD never acts out in front of me. She's a perfectly behaved little kiddo with me. She wants me to like her, and I don't put up with much nonsense.
When she acts out to DH, he babies her. When I talk with DH about how he might try being firmer, that some clear boundaries will server SD well as she grows up, he agrees, but also says that he doesn't want her to grow up (!), that he wants her to be his baby forever. He's joking (sort of).
My point is that he and I don't agree on how to manager SD. Must we?
Can DH and I have a slightly different approach?
I think when a man brings you
I think when a man brings you into his home and makes you a part of his family, you should be able to speak up about things that bother you. After all, it's your house now too and you are engaged to be married which means you will soon be a step mother. I struggled with this issue for a while too, FSD is normally pretty well behaved and respectful towards me, but when she pulls her baby talk manipulative stuff with her Daddy, I speak up now. I'll be FSD7's step mom in 9 days and I've helped raise her since she was 2 1/2...FDH has always wanted my help in other ways so why not in this area? I understand certain things may not bother him as much because he is blinded by his love for his daughter, but I won't sit around and let her continue to act in a way that will enable her grow from a spoiled and disrespectful little girl into a spoiled and ungrateful young woman! The other day for instance when she was changing her shoes, she yelled at her Daddy: "Take off my shoes, take off my socks!!!" And I said "FSD, you aren't a baby anymore. You know how to take off your own socks and shoes. " And she just smirks as does it.
OMG! That's so funny. That
OMG! That's so funny. That sounds exactly like what happens with me, my DH, and my SD. All the time.
It's good that you've been in your SD's life for so long. You've been a part of her growing up, you've developed a bond over time.
It's tough for me. My DH gets sweetly nostalgic for when she was a baby or a toddler, often when she's being babyish now, he'll say, "oh, but she won't be a little girl much longer, and if you could have seen how cute she was at two...."
But the thing is: I didn't know her then. I have no warm fuzzy memories of her. I only have what I see in front of me now: a sweet but spoiled and manipulative eight-year-old girl.
There's something false about her. I think it's because I see her act one way around me (perfectly capable, perfectly behaved) and one way around DH (babyish, spoiled, bratty, bossy, manipulative).
Sigh. It feels bad to call her manipulative. Can eight-year-olds be manipulative? Or am I projecting? Is she just being a little kid? Am I way out of line?
"Can eight-year-olds be
"Can eight-year-olds be manipulative?"
HELL YES THEY CAN BE! My SD8 is incredibly manipulative - almost gifted, in fact. She often presents very babyish behavior when DH is around and whines and whispers to "Daddy", yet when DH is not around she actually acts like an 8 year old with me because she knows I don't tolerate that kind of behavior. To me, that's a form of manipulation in itself because like you said, I've been left wondering "is it just me? am I being too harsh? am I expecting too much from a child?" when in fact the answer is NO. She does it to get attention and DH falls for it all the time. It has always been a sore spot with me because I see right through her crap since, like you, I have no fond, warm-fuzzy memories of this child. Rather than jump in the middle of the situation when it happened, I always opted to wait and talk to DH after the fact and address it then, but eventually it just had to get to the point that I had to step in and say "hey SD, let's act our age, okay? You don't need to whine and talk to Dad like you're two because you're not. You're a big girl, so you need to act like it..." and she'd change her tone very quickly.
I'd say take the "talk in private" approach first and let him know that it really bothers you and tell him that you'd like to give him an opportunity to handle it because you recognize she is HIS daughter and you don't want to overstep. If DH chooses to ignore it or doesn't handle it then be sure and let him know you plan on "interjecting" and "correcting" when it happens so he's not caught off guard. If you're still not comfortable doing that, then unfortunately it sounds like it might be something you'll just have to learn to deal with if DH isn't willing to change his response to her behavior.
I just want to say that we
I just want to say that we all have different personas with different people. while I absolutely believe kids can and are manipulative (in fact I think all human are) I dont know that that is what is necessarily what is going on here. It sounds as if they have always had this sort of relationship and that your dh in fact encourages it. Perhaps it is even him manipulating her (I will give you more attention if you act like a baby)-he seems to enjoy her acting like a baby, gives her positive attention for it, and therefore encourages her to do it more. You, on the other hand, do not enjoy it, and dont give her positive attention for it so she acts in a way that YOU find acceptable. I dont believe that is necessary manipulative, but rather her trying to please the both of you and do what you both want of her.
I think you really need to talk to him and about this and maybe say things like you know some other 8 year olds who are already doing this or that-and you just dont want her to be behind others in school in terms of maturity. I would try and encourage independent behaviors as much as possible and model for her to handle feelings and how to make requests of people in an appropriate manner without whining. Whenever she acts appropriately with you-make a huge deal out of it and praise her and reward her-pull your dh into the conversation and get him to praise her to, "dh, isnt it great that sd said this? Or did this in this way?"-Of course he is going to say yes-pretty much no matter what it is. Maybe talk about "grown up" things you can do with sd-manicuure, shopping, etc when she learns to stop doing X-that you cant wait to share all this with her but she's got to stop x behavior first. I think its great that she wants to please you and I would definitely use that as a tool. Dh, I get, is not totally on board, but perhaps when he sees some more mature behaviors, and sees how happy it makes you, and how well the two of you are getting along, he will realize it is a pretty good thing.