I’m new to this site and really would love your input/advice (I apologize for the lengthy post but I wanted to give all information);

I am a mom and when I first met my two step-children, who were ages 3 and 1 at the time; I genuinely felt that I could mother them like my own three boys, who were 12, 10 and 4 at the time. I am very close to my own boys (now 19, 17 & 12) and have also achieved a close bond with my step-daughter (now 9).

However...my step-son is a different story. I am having a very hard time maintaining a lasting bond with him and it seems to be getting worse with age. From the young age of 3 and ongoing (he is now 11), he has physically hurt me, cursed at me and treated me with such disrespect. He started lying a few years ago and will make up stories that create havoc in both families (even involving grandparents and a school counsellor that told my husband and I that he was lying). Although he's been caught in these lies many times, my husband still continues to believe everything he says. My husband makes excuses for his behaviour like, “He is upset about this other thing right now”. My response; “Okay, we’ve found the cause, now let’s work on teaching him to control his emotions and that it’s not okay to take things out on your family” But my husband feels that ‘finding the cause’ is enough to make an exception for his behaviour. My step-son has been through counselling but it has never seemed to work. He just uses the ‘poor me’ syndrome to excuse his bad behaviour and his parents play into it. I’ve tried the pep talk with him, “It’s not that bad, many children live in this type of situation and you’re very lucky to have four parents that love you so much” but he gets more attention when he goes on about the negative of it so he continues to express negativity.

My husband and I actually almost broke up once because his son told him I grabbed him by the arm in a store and told him "Don't ever talk to me like that in public again". He told his father he hadn't said one word to me. My husband actually believed that I would reprimand him by saying this out of the blue even though I explained that I would look like an idiot telling a child in public, who hadn’t said one word, to stop talking to me like that?? In reality, he was yelling (and even cursed) at me loudly in a store because he wanted me to buy him a pair of shoes that were too big and I said he'd have to choose another pair that fit. Eventually the truth was uncovered when my husband asked my step-daughter what happened since she was with us. Still, my step-son was not reprimanded for this. My husband was shocked and told his son, "You lied to me" and his son replied, "No dad, I didn't" and wouldn't admit he lied so my husband just sighed and said, "Let's not talk about it anymore". In fact, this is my husband’s usual response when he’s faced with these situations; basically let’s just forget it happened and move on but….we’re not moving forward. It continues to happen on a daily basis.

Background information; initially, there was the usual hostility between his parents over the break-up (she left him) and some deflected to me from the biological mom which I understand as most moms are worried that the step-mom will overstep. Mom and Dad fought over custody for 3 years before finally sharing equal time (week & a week at each home). The children’s mother is a good mom and so is my husband. During this time frame, the parents rallied against each other to win the children’s love. Discipline wasn’t doled out properly when it should have been because ‘they might not want to come back’. My husband and his ex both (in my opinion) favour their son and any time he behaves badly they dismiss disciplining him using the excuse that it was their fault for separating and then coddle him and give him more attention. This little boy quickly learned that he would never be held accountable for his actions and worse, that he would get MORE attention when he behaved badly. As he’s growing older, he's become a master at manipulating any situation where he is about to be disciplined by bursting into tears and saying it's because of the separation or I’m doing this because I hate him. My husband then feels very guilty or accuses me of causing the problem and doesn't punish him. I have had MANY talks with my husband and with my step-son explaining that it’s because I love him that I can’t let him behave this way or that I can’t let him get away with a lying and that I want him to grow up with strong moral values and respect for people; that he will have better relationships with friends and family once he starts doing this. None of this has made an impact yet though, with either my husband or my step-son.

Eventually, both parents realized that the children were manipulating each of them saying things like, “Mom does this with us. What are you going to do with us?” or “I want to go to mom’s” anytime they were reprimanded et cetera. I did my best to work at a relationship between parents and eventually achieved this with my step-son’s mother. We now have an amicable relationship. I do believe that some of the problem with my step-son could be attributed to these facts. Now that the relationship is good between all four of his parents, my step-son seems to resent this even more because there is less of a chance that he is able to manipulate as I answer, “Oh really? Mom does that? Let me just call her and check on that”.

He actually went through a phase where he would stomp on my foot whenever he came near me because I am the only parent who attempts to make him accountable for his actions. Most often I'm overruled but I do try. I was actually in tears from the pain many, many times but whenever I would speak out about it, my step-son would say, "It was an accident!" and cry and be believed. I have countered with, "It's not an accident when it happens 10 times in an hour and he never steps on anyone but me" but still my husband believed him. As a parent, I'm not proud of this but...about two months ago, I was so frustrated after him doing this all day that I walked by him and ‘accidentally stomped on his foot’. He was outraged as I explained, "Sorry, it was an accident". He has never ‘accidentally’ stomped on my foot since. I relayed this to my husband and although I could tell that he finally believed his son was doing this purposely, he still continues to excuse him by avoiding the situation.

To give my husband’s side of the situation; he thinks I pick on his son. He says that he hears his name called more than anyone else’s in the house and I agree with him but I explained it’s because if I ask anyone else to ‘pick up their mess’ they do it. I have to ask my step-son at least 5 to 8 times and then speak firmly before he’ll move to do it and during this process, he’s very rude and disrespectful. If I put my hand on his shoulder to direct him to move, he screams in pain like I’m hurting him even though I’m barely touching him. To be fair and the most unbiased I can be, I also agree that I’m at the point now where I expect him to give me a hard time and that probably reflects in my tone of voice when I ask but I’m aware of this and I try VERY hard to keep my emotions in check. In fact, I think sometimes that I over-do it now and ask him even more politely than I would my own children and then I’m even more upset when I’m treated so rudely.

Each of our children are required to do dishes once a week. When it’s my step-son’s turn, the process takes 2 hours and he complains about doing them the whole time until eventually my husband helps him. I’ve tried to stop this because I don’t think that it’s right to reward bad behaviour. The complaining will never stop if you do! But my husband again says I’m picking on him because I sometimes help the others. I explained I do that only once in awhile and in a circumstance where the child doesn’t complain and I know they have a lot of homework or just got off work et cetera. I have even told my husband that I will help my step-son once he achieves this goal of not complaining. My husband also says I pick on him because I’m ‘on him’ earlier to get the dishes done. I have simply learned that it will be a two hour process and if I wait too long, he’ll dawdle even more to avoid bedtime. I have spent a lot of time analysing what I do, trying to be VERY fair and treat everyone the same. I know that I achieve this in many ways but I also admit I’m having a very hard time speaking nicely to my step-son when he always speaks so horribly to me. Recently, my step-son’s mother admitted to my husband and I that when her son walks in the room at her house, things are very tense between her and her husband. I feel that same thing in my house. When my husband tells me that ‘it’s my fault that his son reacts this way’ I remind him that his own mother feels the same tense feeling and admits that her son is the cause of a lot of friction between herself and her husband.

Now, at 11 years old, my husband and his ex are a bit baffled that he is "becoming so disrespectful to them". I've seen it for years. Still they continue to side with him. I must add that my three boys are very respectful of my husband. I would never allow them not to be.

Also; my husband and I underwent counselling as a couple to work this issue out and it did not improve the situation. The counsellor told my husband that he needs to start trusting that I only want the best for his son, that I am a good mom and I’m doing the right things to raise his son to be a good person but my husband still doesn’t let me parent him like he does with his daughter. I’ve also pointed out to my husband that he doesn’t do this with his daughter and I’m left to raise her as I see fit. As a result, she is helpful and respectful so I must be doing something right? I believe the problem with his son is partly because my husband never parented my boys. He wasn’t very involved with them (although my boys live with us full-time and visit their dad on weekends). I know he feels guilty for this now and I believe he thinks that I hold a grudge and that I’m hard on his son because of it. I’ve told him many times that the past is the past and I’m only acting like a parent in the moment, doing what I believe it right for the current situation. I really don’t know what else I can do to improve this situation. It seems hopeless…

I apologize for such a long post but I would really appreciate any advice anyone can give on this. I really feel like I'm at my wits end and he's not even a teenager yet...Help!