Desperately Need Advice - At A Crossroads with BFs Kids

Forums:

I am hoping to get some perspective, validation and advice. I am comforted in knowing that I am not the only woman who feels resentment and a lack of connection (bordering on hatred) for the "skids." I'm sorry for the long post. Part of this is venting... part of it is such a painful reality. I already know the answer and it makes me so sad.

I have been with my BF for over 3 years now. He has a daughter, 7, and a son, 6.

The girl has emotional issues. She used to throw fits (pinwheeling her arms, yelling, screaming, slamming doors). Now she is moody, sullen and has a mean streak a mile long. She's manipulative. She pees the bed nightly. For the first 4.5 years of life, BF and her bioMom along with the grands let her run the house. They didn't make her do ANYTHING she didn't want to do, in large part to keep her from throwing fits. I don't tolerate children running my house... It's been a difficult change for both of us. I can say she's come a long way from where she was 3 years ago.

The boy is developmentally delayed. I think he's on the autism spectrum, but BF believes the boy will be ok, because "I was like that as a kid." He wasn't potty trained until almost 4. He was non-verbal until almost 4. His family allowed him to play alone, didn't engage him, let him hide his face and (most appallingly) didn't take him for assessment or get a pediatrician consult on him. I have done all of this since we have been together. We have a full blown pediatric assessment scheduled for February.

MY son is great (HA!) Seriously - I have raised him since the day he was born. He knows and follows the rules. He has no issues (developmental or emotional). He acts out a bit because he's jealous. I am forced to put more time and energy into BFs kids and it takes away from my time with DS. I'm stretched thin, but to me, my son is my priority. His father was killed in 2010, and I am all he has.

Additionally, I am black (as is DS). BF and kids are white. The interracial blending has caused issues with his family. His ex-wife (BioMom), and the grandmothers do not like me. At all. They are prejudiced and have said things like "We wish she weren't black" to him. They have never shown my son a single kindness, which is fine by me, but they have been outwardly hostile toward me and marginalize him when we have been together. When the kids go for visits, they talk negatively about me to the children. The girl returned one weekend and asked "what's a n*gg*r?" She believes they don't like me because I have her a nickname. BioMom did drugs/alcohol/smoked while pregnant. She's had 8 kids and has custody of NONE of them. 1 for adoption. Her mom has her boy. We have 2. And 4 have been taken by the state. She doesn't work, barely has a home, doesn't call and barely has interactions with the kids. I'd guess it's been over 6-7 weeks since the last time she called. I have removed myself from the middle of the family connections, telling the grandmothers if they want to talk to the kids, they need to call through my BF. It was causing me more stress than necessary.

I love my BF. We have been friends since 2003 and briefly dated. It wasn't until 2011 when we were both single again that we reconnected and figured we'd give it a try. We have a connection, and it works between us. The sticking point is "The Littles." I feel so badly for these kids. None of the adults in his life are equipped to raise them, including him. The mother/grandmothers are more interested in indulging the girl (toys/dresses/praise) and ignoring the boy. BF is working to overcome alcoholism. He hasn't had a drink in quite some time, but I fear for him falling off the wagon - the disease runs in his family, and he's fallen off before. I feel obligated, and can't seem to get my head around "not my kids, not my problem."

I Recognize that I'm in an effed up situation. We live together (and have since July). It's not working. And if we are honest with each other, he knows it as well. Last week his daughter was throwing a fit over eating eggs for breakfast. I grabbed her by the arm to calm her down. I left fingernail marks on her arm. A teacher at school reported to DFACS, and we had an investigator at the home on Saturday. We spank, but never leave marks. I admit to losing my temper, but didn't consider what I did as abusive. They are well taken care of and loved. I never though myself capable of hurting a child. I feel like a failure as a parent, a horrible surrogate mother and a bad example for these kids. Certainly it was an accident, but I hurt the girl. And I feel horrible for it.

Since then I have come to realize I do not want this to be my life forever. I question whether it will get any better. The girl does not respect me. She speaks to me with contempt, as if I work for her. Her father treats her as a mini-wife and allows her to make decisions with him, as if they are equals. It undermines me entirely. I realize I am unhappy. Incredibly unhappy. I have tried and tried and tried in different ways over the past 3 years to make this work, and the doubts persist. Will family counseling help? Is there any hope? Should I just end the relationship completely?

In my heart, I know that this relationship will never work. In my most private moments, I admit that I hate these effing kids. I'm pouring so much into them and haven't gotten much in return. And to what end? I feel crazy. I feel helpless. I feel sad. HOW do I end this and move forward? And how do I forgive myself for abusing the girl? It makes me cry. It makes me so sad.

Thanks for listening/reading. And thanks in advance for your advice and feedback.

Melody3 -- it is SO hard to

Melody3 -- it is SO hard to give him up!

He's far from perfect, but he's the man in my life who has understood me most of all. When we met in 2003, I was thickery (215 lbs). After DH died, I gained a TON of weight. We reconnected when I was lonely, depressed, sad, lacking esteem -- he loved me when I was 280 lbs. Since then I have lost over 100 lbs (I'm down to a size and feel so so so good about my physical self. I recognize that there are some lingering esteem issues that may be anchoring me. But DS deserves all of my best. Being a brown skinned boy, he's at higher risk for the bad hand life can deal. BFs blonde haired, blue eyed kids (in spite of their parentage/history) are going to be ok. (OMG I sound so racist, but Ferguson.)

I truly believe it's going to get better. I just need to turn the page.

I don't think you need

I don't think you need advice. It seems you answered your own question while you were writing it all out. I'm willing to bet you were reading what you wrote and thought WTH??

You can see where you're headed already and it's the right move to make, for you and your son. I'm sorry for your BF's kids however they are not your responsibility. Your BF needs to step up to the plate and be a parent but that is why he hooked up with you. To do the tough work so he wouldn't have to do it himself.

Hugs to you and I wish you a very sane transition out of this situation.

Shaman29 wrote: Your BF

Shaman29 wrote: Your BF needs to step up to the plate and be a parent but that is why he hooked up with you. To do the tough work so he wouldn't have to do it himself.

You are SO RIGHT! I remember when we first moved to the same city, he was upset because I moved to a house instead of the same apartment complex as him. Whilst arguing he said "I EXPECTED SOME HELP WITH THESE KIDS." He's always been impressed with DS, telling me early on that he wished his kids acted like DS. Transitioning out is the next step. I've given myself to the end of the year. By 1/1 I'll be on my own.

Step-hell has turned you into

Step-hell has turned you into a person you never thought you would be. Step away from this radioactive booby trap before more damage is done to you or your child.

You can not save this man. You can not save his kids. You can not save BM or her other kids. You can barely, barely, barely save yourself and your kid. Do it now before it is all so much worse. Wait till you have racist, mean TEEN step kids on your hands. OMG, it makes ME want to run away just picturing that.

I have a teen stepdaughter that has made me lose my mind with her meanness and driven me to seek therapy just for myself. It's exhausting. And our BM is NICE to me! My Dh is super, super wonderful. No drugs or alcoholism to be seen. And we are all the same race. Everything is so much easier on my plate than it is for you. BUT IT IS STILL FREAKIN' HARRRRRD. What you are up against is against all the laws of physics. Too much force squishing you on side, not enough propping you up on the other. This would be an impossible situation for anyone.

Kiss this man good-bye and go try to find yourself again.

Very best of luck to you.

^^^^ This ^^^^^

Agree 100% with ChiefGrownup

Agree 100% with ChiefGrownup - you need to exit stage left and don't look back.

ChiefGrownup -- Sweet LORD.

ChiefGrownup --

Sweet LORD. THIS: You can barely, barely, barely save yourself and your kid.

Middle of the afternoon, feeling great about my day, more leveled.... I read those words and my eyes got wet all over. You're so right. I can barely, barely, barely save myself and my (amazing) kid. I have turned into a person I don't want to be, a person I am ashamed to admit I have become.

I have thought about how bad she'll be at 13, and have literally shuddered at the thought. I expect she will be pregnant by 15 like her mother was, as she is always after attention (especially from men). It's alarming, but BF doesn't see anything wrong with it. She will give male strangers hugs in the grocery store... NOT ok.

And THIS: What you are up against is against all the laws of physics. Too much force squishing you on side, not enough propping you up on the other.

I am falling. I agree. Thank you for your kindness, your insight and your support. xo

I am just incredibly sad for

I am just incredibly sad for you because you are obviously such a nice person and it's not being appreciated. Go where someone will appreciate you, even if it's just your own son when he grows up and looks back at his life. Sit down and write out a plan with logistics of your exit and then plan accordingly. And make sure to discuss with him during a calm time and not in the middle of a fight. It will go more smoothly that way.

onthefence2 -- Two great

onthefence2 --

Two great nuggets here:

1. even if it's just your own son when he grows up and looks back at his life. <--- ALL the yesses! I have said to him before that I hope he sees how strong of a woman and a mother I am when he's older. That I hope he appreciates who and what I represent in this world. I need to get back to a place where I am doing things to make him proud.

2. Sit down and write out a plan with logistics of your exit and then plan accordingly. <---- Fortunately this is my house. I need to write out a plan and HE can figure out logistics of their exit. LOL That conversation begins tonight. (wish me luck)

I'm also in a bi-racial

I'm also in a bi-racial blended family. For some reasons it makes a difference when there are skids around. My partner and I no longer see colour and we have the most adorable baby girl. BM refuses to acknowledge me at all or my daughter and despite knowing her name just calls her 'your daughter'. It shouldn't make any difference whatsover the whole colour thing but sometimes, only sometimes with blended families you can get BM and her family saying nasty things and my daughter and I have already been called names by BM and the SKIDS.

My Skids are nothing like me or what i was when I was growing up or anything I want my daughter to be like. They are spoilt, whiny, entitled and rude. I feel for you. It all depends on how much you love your man and how much he supports you in being a step mum especially where BM is kinda absent die to her issues.

There are days that I fantasize about a life away from all of them - sad bunch of people - BM, SKIDs and whatever clan they came from.

TMS -- You sound British?

TMS --

You sound British? LOVE the accent in your writing.

Love your bi-racial blended family. My BF is more liberal leaning than I am, which is astounding. He's also much more laid back and accepting, whic is where the issues arise. I want him to fight as hard at life as I do...

You and your daughter sound adorbs. I'm glad your DH is supportive. Wishing you all the luck with BM and the skids. Sounds like a losing battle, but I'm certain I'm throwing my feelings of desolation on to your situation. LOL I can totally relate to "sad bunch of people."

BF isn't that way, but the

BF isn't that way, but the rest of his entire family is.

Ultimately, it is time to walk. Thank you.

Wow. Painting in extremely

Wow. Painting in extremely broad strokes aren't we? Especially considering that you readily admit to 'not having the problems that most SM's have.' No offense but, your 'truth' isn't necessarily the OP's truth. I say this as a now X-SM who ultimately made the decision to walk away. One of the hardest things I've ever had to do and am still working hard to overcome. Perhaps reserving judgement only AFTER walking a mile in some of these SM's shoes, would be the better part of valor. Just sayin'!

Of course everyone is

Of course everyone is responsible for themselves and and I appreciate that you pointed that out clearly. Its not said enough. I think AlreadyDone is getting the same judgmental, holier-than-thou attitude that I am from your post though. There's not a lot of compassion, empathy or concern radiating. You can be right and still be a jerk.

Wow, sueu2 -- It's like you

Wow, sueu2 --

It's like you know me so well. :jawdrop: LOL

While there are a few yeses and nods, most of your assesment of me is *waaaay* off base, bordering on crazypants. Though how could it be accurate since you're head-shrinking me after a 250 word forum post.

One thing resounded loud and clear: So, if nobody cares but you, then what makes you obligated? And what makes you so special?

It resonates because OMG my sister said the SAME THING! She told me I was arrogant to believe if I weren't in their life that no one would be capable of raising them. That took me down a notch from her, and to hear it again from a different independent source truly resonates. Nothing makes me obligated. Nothing makes me so special. I am egotistical and arrogant to believe otherwise. Those kids will be just fine without me -- maybe even better off.

Please know that I believe that I am fully responsible for my life, my choices, the direction of my future, etc. I am not avoiding or deflecting decisions. I'm trying to figure it out. I have tried and tried, I've changed my response pattern, I've tried therapy and acceptance and silence and now I'm trying forums and treating these A-holes like neighbors kids. I am responsible for everything in my life. I am successful, I was happy, and I will be happy again. I'm working my way through this situation I created for myself - I believed (erroneously) that I could make it work. That we would blend as a family and that BF would step up to be the partner I needed. *GONG* Time to move on.

You said: "You are the only one required to make decisions about your life." <--- Truth

You said: "All your questions are borne of avoidance - avoiding the right decision that you SHOULD make because that's not what you want. Instead, you made decisions based on what you want, like moving in knowing full well you don't like the situation and it's not working, which you've known for 3 years. You decided to bring a child into an unstable relationship that was filled with undesirable and unwanted baggage. You decided to martyr yourself into misery and depression. You are the one to blame. You're one hundred percent to blame." <---- Wow, uhhh.... crazypants, but yeah... no. Just, no.

You said: "You are the only one who can save you....and your reputation." <-- I fully agree with this. And I completely will. I hate that the school has reported me to be investigated, even though the teacher is a mandatory reporter (I could kick her ass -- since when is a fingernail mark a sign of ABUSE?). It makes me wonder because I was abused as a child -- physically and mentally. I have worked hard NOT to be an abuser, I didn't want children out of fear of being an abuser. I'm aware of what constitutes abuse, and it burns me up that DFACS has come to my home (for the 3rd time -- once because BFs mom reported us anonymously for BS reasons - microwaved dinners, not letting the girl wear dresses, etc. -- and the 2nd time for BFs DUI with the kids in the car and got caught for child endangerment)... Neither here nor there.

Summarizing -- please know that I am working it out. I'm working it out. I. Am. Working. It. Out.

Kind of you to respond like

Kind of you to respond like this to a post that gave not even a passing nod to your sense of loyalty to a man who loved you when you were down and struggling, your desire for the best well-being of those closest to you, your own painful candor, or even the utterly human agony of deciding to break up a relationship under the best of circumstances.

Not everyone is born perfect, NatLove. Most of us are learning as we go all our lives. You can be in my tribe. The learners. Leaving a man who has been loyal to you under your own trying circumstance should NOT be a snap decision and most of us sympathize with your anguishing over it. Here in the learners tribe, I've figured out over the course of my life that change of any kind is hard for most people, let alone separating from a partner. So do not let any rotten tomatoes land on your heart, just take the advice here that sounds good to you and leave what is off-key behind. Everybody here does that. Advice is varied based on personality, age, experience and mood. You just have to separate the wheat from the chaff on any given day.

ChiefGrownup - I am in love

ChiefGrownup -

I am in love with you. There -- I've said it. lol

Thanks for the level head, the constructive feedback and the unadulterated kindness. I appreciate being welcomed into your tribe. It's not easy. I love him. I have loved him since 2003, when we first met. I adore him. I am 100% myself with him, which I have never had before with any other love interest (including my son's father). And still this defect in him may be the end of us. I love his children, I just can't deal. I am doing ALL the work. He sees it differently but he is so laid back with every single aspect of his life. It's slowly breaking me down. Tearing us apart.

Trust -- I have a strong sense of self. No rotten tomatoes will land in my heart. I should probably pay more attention to the naysayers, but I know who I am. LOL Right or wrong, I know what I stand for, and I know who I am raising my child to be. If my partner can't stand in lock step with me, I am coming to realize I need a new partner.

Thank you so much, CGU. love and love and love to you!

Nat...I'm sorry you are going

Nat...I'm sorry you are going through this. It sucks, we all know that too well. But you'll read time and time again one little sentence here. They are not your children, stop treating them as such.
You have a child, worry about that child.
And I'm not even going to touch the mix race part, for your BF if he is letting his children treat you like this, make the home unbearable, and underminding you at every turn then he is not a real man. He is a child himself who wants you to take care of all three of them. He cares not if your time is taken away from your child. Or that his daughter accused you of abuse, (grabbing an arm in frustration is not abuse, pulling her arm out of socket would be) he doesn't care that you stretched to thin and not happy with your life because he gets taken care of and so does his kids and he can act like the cool weekend dad he probably wanted to be. All the fun but not much responsibility.
Not only is his kids not your kids, he's not your kid. Find a man that respects you, works to show you how special you are to him.

truth and truth and truth:

They are not your children, stop treating them as such.
You have a child, worry about that child.

My therapist told me the same thing today. He said I am building my own unhappiness of my own choosing.

You said: He is a child himself who wants you to take care of all three of them.

So SO SO SO SO TRUE! I've said the same thing myself. He is looking for another mother, because he's incapable of being a grownup himself. He's worried about himself, and living in the lap of luxury where I'm concerned. He's got a really great life. He barely interacts with these kids and I'm the one taking the brunt of the efforts and work in raising them. I am OVER it.

I see that now. I'm working to find a better place for me and DS.

Thank you for your insight!

Thank you SO much for the

Thank you SO much for the responses!

I was reluctant to sign on to follow up on this post. I braced myself to read a lot of "You are SUCH a bitch" and "OMG get away from those kids, you have no business raising them, you hateful witch!" LOL Thank you for understanding.

SO many tears were shed last night, I guess I wallowed in self pity while I was processing this "alleged child abuse" claim. I also had wine. Oh, and did I mention that I wept? LOL I'm feeling MUCH better today!

I don't think I understood before what "not my kid, not my problem" meant. But reading "treat the children like they are a neighbor's kid, at my house for a sleepover" was a fucking EUREKA moment! They are home from school, and I have been disengaged, distant, kind (but not chasing/correcting/doting). I'm not stressed, either. I have also told the BF that I'm adopting a new attitude. He said something about wanting to believe we'd be together forever, but he sees the writing on the wall now. Uhhh, yeah.

We are having a talk tonight. I need to let him know that while I won't tolerate the disrespect, I need him to discipline his brats. The little bitch mouthed off to me today, and I was able to say (in a calm tone) "Gosh, kids don't talk to grown ups in that tone of voice in this house." I didn't threaten, I didn't get emotionally engaged, I didn't think twice. I also don't know how long this "hands off" attitude will last, but for right now, today, it's working. Plus, fuck that kid.

I'll reply above to your posts, too. There's some really good information and suggestions/feedback.

You stepmoms ROCK! The end is near. Oh yes, my friends... The end is near. This is NOT what I want for the rest of my life. I was responsible with my reproductive health for a reason. I had ONE child intentionally. I'm not taking on two special needs kids who don't like me, don't respect me and have me so out of control that I don't recognize the person I am today.

~Nathalie

...

So this "treat them like the

So this "treat them like the neighbor's kids" is hard as hell.

SD acted up in school on Monday. She came home with a ticket. Last week we told all 3 kids (SD, SS, BS) that they needed to complete the week with all A's and B's as well as no behavior violations to earn Halloween. Monday afternoon, SD comes come with a red ticket for hitting a friend at school. ALL WEEK LONG BF has been helping her to earn Halloween back. :sick: On Wednesday she came home with a referral slip for telling another kid she would "rip the skin off of him."

As of this morning, when she blinked her big blue eyes and asked "Did I earn Halloween back?" he said he was still thinking about it. WTF We have a 20 minute timer for b'fast because she takes her sweet time eating. The agreement was to let the kids watch how much time was left with no cheerleading. The past few days it's been "Hurry up. you're almost out of time. I want you to earn back Halloween"

So we talked this morning. He agrees that she loses Halloween. BUT he said she could dress up in her costume and hand out candy instead of going trick or treating.

I AM SO FUCKING MAD!!!! How is this a punishment? She still gets to participate because he doesn't want to "break her spirit." I'm sorry, I hate this little bitch and I hate the way he parents and I really want to beat both their asses in response to this shit. Of course, DFACS already things I'm a horrible evil stepmother, so I am keeping my hands off and my mouth shut. He doesn't know how to parent responsibly. He just doesn't get it. And he gets mad when I am so strict with his kids. I have taken Halloween away from BS twice in his life without blinking. You act an ass, you gets no candy. Know why? Halloween is a privilege, not a right.

Regardless, I'm going to open this here bottle of wine and I am going to take DS and BS out for candy. BF & SD can stay home and suck each other off however they choose. It just pisses me that she acts a complete b*tch at school for 3 out of 5 days and her reward is Daddy's undivided attention, dressing as a witch and handing out candy to all the little ghouls and goblins who come to our house.

TOTALLY having a WOO SAH moment. #LetItGo

Further evidence that they have GOT to GTFOO my house. I can't deal.

Hi brooklynsmom86 -- I can

Hi brooklynsmom86 --

I can afford to live on my own. I know that if/when we separate, it will be for good. There will be no counseling, and I will try my best to never see those kids again. Ever. It would do the girl an insane amount of good to see a psychiatrist. However, BF hasn't taken the initiative to get her professional help in spite of my suggesting it. Were it my son, I would have had him in therapy. (Both of them, actually) After my husband was killed, DS and I spent months going to therapy to help with our grief and acceptance. I don't understand why his children's well-being isn't as important to him as it is for me. It makes me so sad, but this is where I land...

Welcome. I hope you find this

Welcome. I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful perspective from others who are living the blended family dream. Whether you remain in your very difficult situation or not I hope this can be a safe place for you to get some support and honest advice.

Your BF's family disgusts me. Let me get that out of the way right up front. Any adult who would reject a child of their son's partner is certainly a major indicator that their gene pool could very well be very shallow and polluted. Regardless of the biology of a kid, their race, etc... an adult who would feed another child such toxic vitriol just makes me want to puke. :sick: That BF's mother is in her racist toxic coven with BM and BM's mother tells me far more than I need to know about the whole gene pool. I know, very judgmental of me but if it looks like a dog, smells like a dog, wags it's tail like a dog, and barks like a dog it must be a dog.

If my own parents had rejected my SS and treated my bride with the kind of toxic disrespect that your BF's mother treats you and your son I would for all practical purposes be an orphan. Fortunately I won the parent lottery and my parents accepted my SS as their own grandson from day one. They met him when he was 18mos old and fell in love with he and his mom 5mos after I met them. SS is now 22, doing great, and adores his Deema and Deepa (my parents) as much as they adore him. My brother is his uncle, my SIL is his aunt, and my niece and nephews are his much loved and adored BFFs as well as his cousins.

I understand that your BF was there for you during a difficult time but he has proven himself as being far from a quality partner for you and most definitely far from being a quality father figure for your son.

You owe yourself the opportunity of an amazing life with an equity life partner who will add as much to your life as you do to his. And you owe your son a commitment to be extremely selective so that any man that you make a life with will be a man of character and quality and that will partner with you to raise your son and any other children in the home as an example of a man, mentor, confidante, advocate, and when necessary a disciplinarian. An inconsistently on the wagon alcoholic with two toxic children that he fails constantly to parent effectively and who tolerates the toxic crap from his mother, his own children and his XW is not an adequate life partner for you and most certainly is not a man of character to set the example for and help raise your son.

We are not a biracial couple but we have created an amazing marriage and a successful blended family. Being a biracial couple should of course not make a damned bit of difference but with toothless idiot racist assholes like your BF's mother XW, XMIL, and now his own young children it certainly is not a healthy situation for your young son.

Don't sweat the minor scratches on your BF's toxic daughter. Discipline must be applied that is effective and in todays coddle the little shits, give them all a trophy for being special, and ignore their inappropriate behavior culture, effective discipline can lead to a visit from the bottom 10%er gov't minion CPS employees. My bride had a visit from them when she was 18 and SS was 14mos old when she smacked him as he was sticking a key into a wall socket leaving a bruise. She dove for him as he stuck the key in the plug but was far enough away that she could not grab him and her hand his is cheek. A neighbor in her apt complex called CPS. There would have been a major issue if the kid did not have a burn on his finders clearly showing the shape and logo on the key.

Take care of yourself and your son. Find a partner worthy of you and who will be an example of a man/husband/father of character for your boy.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

Rags - I love you. Let it

Rags -

I love you. Let it be known. Do you have a brother who is as amazing as you? Does he like pretty little mocha-latte brown skinned, relatively thin but curvy women? lol I kid, but THANK YOU FOR YOUR RESPONSE!

Over the weekend, everything was pleasant! I drank a lot of wine and things were great! We hosted a bonfire in the backyard, friends and family... I almost forgot about the problems we're having.

Your assessment of BF are right on the money.

His family is from south GA and his ex-wife's family is from rural florida. His mother is of that "Paula Deen" age where incidental racism is accepted (and almost expected). It's easy to overlook the way they treat me, but to marginalize my amazing boy makes me so so mad! Both of them act like Kathy Bates' character from American Horror Story: Coven, if you know what I mean.

I think my biggest problem with BF is that I love him. I love him. Any way you slice it, I love him. He's funny, quirky, kind (to a fault), handsome, helpful, genuine, and he understands me. Were it not for these kids and his over-accepting, passive parenting we'd be great. Sadly, he is not a strong father figure. As I have told him before, BS hasn't bonded with him the way that his kids have bonded with me, nor does he make an effort to truly parent BS. In part because he was raised by a fragile, permissive mother and didn't have a father growing up (his mother had a mental breakdown and he was forced to raise himself from the age of 12). Also, because I am a strong woman and am constantly monitoring the kids to course correct. I can make excuses, but you're right: I deserve a better, stronger partner.

Thanks, too, for "ignore inappropriate behavior culture." That's what he does. I don't. And it drives. me. crazy. to see her manipulate him time and time and time again. She came home with another ticket today for yelling at a classmate during school. I didn't punish her. He will come home and have another (ineffective) talk that has no effect, no behavior change and allows him to be the good guy instead of disciplining his child. It makes me SO MAD! And it's so hard to bite my tongue... I keep asking myself how I can partner with a guy like this. He KNOWS what his ex-wife is about (drugs, multiple arrests, damn near homeless, 8 kids and custody of none, jobless, lazy, worthless) -- why wouldn't he work hard to ensure a better future for his kids? ESPECIALLY knowing that they are both impaired by her drinking, drugs, smoking while in utero... Dumb. Ass. And here I remain -- who's really the dumbass?

...

Lol! My mom's family is from

Lol! My mom's family is from north GA. I completely understand the personality types you describe. My GM was the Paula Deen type though not an overt racist by any measure. She would however take extreme exception to my mother's comments about there being obvious African elements to the family gene pool. When my GM would get on a rant about how that was not true my mom would just point at her own notable back side and to my little brothers notable package while they were changing his diaper when he was a toddler and say "okay mom, then explain these things to me". My mom and aunt still laugh about that incident with their mother.

As for my brother, yes I have one. However, he and my SIL just celebrated their 21st anniversary so I don't think he is looking for a new partner. My youngest brother would probably be very interesting to you and very interested. He would have recently turned 42 had he survived spinal meningitis. He is my truly African-American brother though we have the same parents. I know, makes you go Hmmmmm doesn't it? He was born in what was then Ethiopia/now Eretria hence African-American.

Don’t let your BF continue his avoidance of parenting or allow him to tolerate his toxic coven relatives. I wouldn’t if I were you.

Take care of yourself and your precious little man.

Well, things have come to a

Well, things have come to a head.

He is so angry that I am making him parent his own kids, he's become sullen and sarcastic. Last night DFACS was supposed to come for the final visit, but they canceled at the last minute (rescheduling for Saturday morning -- the nerve!). So I explained I have plans with BS on Saturday (we are getting our Christmas pictures taken, then I'm taking him to a movie) - BF got an attitude and went on about how I am not reliable anymore and he doesn't know what to expect from me. I told him that's complete bullshit; I have continued to cook breakfast and dinner, watch the kids when he's not here, etc. I just don't do school stuff, doctor stuff or discipline. I am treating them like they are the neighbor's kids. Borderline not giving a fuck.

When he got home, he had smart comments about me drinking wine (ummmm, duh) and I got mad and went to my room. He came up later to say we needed to talk. I asked what we needed to talk about and he said "nothing." I said "ok. Me either." He went to his room. (He and his kids sleep on the first level. We sleep on the third level.) About 10 minutes later he sends me a text "Stop acting like a little bitch."

I replied "Just tell me when you're moving out." *BOMBSHELL* I'd had a little wine by then, and a Benadryl, so I was feeling grown and stuff.

He came up to my room and asked how I got so angry all of a sudden. And. I. Let. Him. Have. It.

Essentially I told him he's a shitty father. I gave him three examples of his failing to discipline his kids, including one from that night. I pointed out that he was fine with me doing all the work and taking all the frustrations, and the ONLY reason he's mad is because I'm making him parent his kids now. I told him I'm sick of them disrespecting me, not speaking when they enter a room and pointed out that he hasn't done a damn thing to change / model / shape their behavior. I specifically said "They act like this NOW. Imagine what they will be like at 12 and 13 or 17 and 18." I told him I was not willing to do it anymore and ended with "fuck them and fuck you too."

He said they would be out before Christmas. I replied, "Okay."

Today was a normal day. I gave them breakfast, picked them up from school, fed them dinner. He came home and SD is calling his name 500 times a minute, asking for help when she doesn't need it, and talking in a cutesy voice. He hasn't corrected her and she really believes she's running shit. SS asked me at least 8 times if I was going to be here this weekend and told me he likes it better when I'm not here. Again, fuck that kid. He's 6 mind you. Can barely wipe his own ass and is telling me he likes it at my house when I'm not here. I asked the kids if they were ready to go live in a different house with only Dad and them. SD said "Yes, kind of." SS said he likes it here... then added "when you're gone."

I've gone past frustration and directly into apathy and anger. Christmas can't come fast enough.

What is so magical about

What is so magical about Christmas as a move out date? Just change the locks and let STBXBF deal with it. He can go live with his toxic racist family and you can start your post BF life journey that much sooner.

Take care of yourself and your boy.

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Desperately Need Advice - At A Crossroads with BFs Kids