Building a relationship with siblings from another relationship
My partner has a 5 year old son with his ex.
His ex unfortunately seems to use his son as a pawn and he has only seen his son two times this year.
My partner and I have two young children together - 2 & 1.
My partner spent a few hours with his son at my partners parents place over the weekend for a Christmas celebration as he won't get to see his son for Christmas.
My partner went to the lunch on his own and the younger kids and I stayed at home.
Over the years my partners ex has withdrawn visitations (not court ordered), been really friendly and nice one minute and then cut contact the next.
Am I wrong in not wanting my children to be caught up in the middle of this?
I really wish things were different and we could all have a relationship but I think things are too volatile and unstable.
I am trying to protect my kids from getting to know their brother then only be able to see and hear from him a couple of times a year. I also don't want to have them happy and excited to see him and then have that withdrawn too.
Yes....there is more to the story, there always is but I don't want to make it a novel...and yes we have tried to go down the road of getting a court order in place but unfortunately that isn't possible right now either. I have tried to build a relationship with my partners ex before, for the sake of the kids only to have her stop messaging me and cut contact because I apparently said something she didn't agree with.
I just want to know am I the big mean ogre here or what should I do? We have said that we want my partner and his son to build a relationship first before building the relationship with the little ones too.
I need some serious advice please.
You're not an ogre, but you
You're not an ogre, but you also don't have complete control over this. While you have no obligation to facilitate the relationships between your kids and your SO's child, your SO is free to facilitate that relationship all on his own. You can't control what he does with his children, which includes your mutual kids.
I'd highly recommend that your SO pursue a CO as soon as possible to protect himself. It's not just for visitation. A CO protects him from having BM slamming him with something outrageous in the future where it dictates that he pay for college, cars, all extracurriculars, private school, etc. Not that. CO is a guarantee of anything, but it's better to know what is likely going to happen than to be hit with anything amd everything under the sun without any precedent.
My skids are sd25, ss22.5 & sd15, my bio kids with hubby
Are DS3.5 & almost DD5. I do not go out of my way to manage a relationship with skids. My hubby tries to sell the whole quality time bs, except every visit ended in skids disrespect towards me and my kids, no respect of boundaries, actively trying to poison my kids with rotten food, ranting on non stop about biomum and stepdads daily life.
then skids piss off for a year or months no contact. I told my husband our kids require consistency and not fake skids faking attention and affection towards our kids just for fake show but never maintaining a relationship. Its been over 2 years no contact from skids especially sd's.
i won't subject my kids to yoyo relationships with fake people and go out of my way to maintain it. Since hubby needs me present with our kids to make skid visit at restaurants etc bearable, hubby is out of luck
I Think You're Doing The Right Thing.
IMO, the father - SS relationship is primary, and needs to be solid before adding you and your bios to the mix.
The onus is on your bf to petition the courts for a formal custody order. This is something he should have done long ago.
Until he handles his business, I would be very hesitant to get involved or expose my bios to conflict.
Your SO has to take control
Your SO has to take control away from the BM and get to court for a visitation CO. Until then, he is abicating control over his 5yo, himselt, you, and your two young children to the BM.
If he won't do it, you have to apply your foot to his ass to make him do it. IF not