Bonding with SS4 - Insight appreciated
I'm getting married in August to a wonderful woman who happens to have 4 kids (sd13, ss11, ss9, ss4). Bio dad is not in the picture at the moment and hasn't seen his children in a year and a half. I've got two kids of my own, 13, 10.
We have been living together on the weekends for the past few months so I've got a pretty good idea what I'm in store for. I'd thought that the 4 year old would be the easiest for me to bond with, given his age. Man, I was mistaken..big time. The older kids are "hungry" for a good man in their lives and have taken to me to like fish to water. I've made a point to spend time with each of the kids one on one and will continue to do so.
Anyway, back to SS4. This kid is grinding on my nerves in a HUGE way. He is VERY clingy. When mom is around I can't so much as open a package of string cheese for the kid without a major bout of crying about wanting "mommy to do it". When I'm next to his mom, he basically pushes in between us, makes faces at me, "growls" at me, etc. If he doesn't sit next to Mom at the dinner table, total meltdown. The strange thing is, he is a totally different kid when his Mom isn't around. He lets me do things for him and he even comes to me for comfort when he's hurt or scared. His mom admittedly has been "guilty" parenting, due to the havoc bio dad has put them through. I understand the kid's need to be assured that I'm not "stealing" his mom, but my patience is wearing thin! The kid is starting pre-school in August and I'm just terrified for him because he is SOOOO needy. Does anyone have any advice on how to handle the little guy? He genuinely is a good kid and normally is compliant. I realize that I may need an extra dose of thick skin and patience to win him over, but I'd very much appreciate some tips. Would it be too much to expect that his mom puts him in Time Out when he acts aggressive towards me (such as the growling and pushing me away)? Would it be too much for ME to put him in time out at this point?
Thanks in advance.
It sounds like he is
It sounds like he is questioning his place in the family. He wants to be mom's "little man" and the "big man" is threatening that.
Yowsa.
Remind mom to make sure she is constantly reassuring him that she loves him and is not going anywhere.
For you, try to do things with him for short periods of time frequently. Lay on the floor and play cars (or trains, whatever) read a (short) story together, etc. Keep the contact short (so you don't get tired of each other!) and frequent.
Good luck, man. Stepping in with four kids who don't have a dad is going to be a challenge.
I think it is too early for
I think it is too early for you to be putting him in time out unless Mom is not around and the infraction is a safety issue and requires a big response. No better way to get resentment really brewing than starting to discipline too early.
Just my opinion. I could be wrong. Good luck!
My DH has a 4 year old
My DH has a 4 year old daughter who is exactly the same way. I believe it is a result of guilty parenting. I would definitely recommend beginning to let SS know that his behavior and the way he treats you is not acceptable. The longer you put up with it, the harder it is going to be to stop. When DH and I moved in together 2 years ago, I began laying down the rules for SD immediately so that she would know I am an adult in the house who is to be respected. It was very hard at first and she didn't listen to anything I said, she would just scream for daddy, but things are better now. She is still extremely clingy with her dad, but as far as listening to me goes, she has improved with that. She is also better when her and I are alone, just like your SS. Whenever she has a setback and starts that whiny crap or has a temper tantrum, I quickly remind her that is not how we act in this house and I may send her to her room depending on what exactly it is she did. I would defiitely recommend letting her know very clearly what your house rules are and what is expected of her, that way if she does not follow them and is disciplined, she should not be surprised. SD knows better than to throw a fit in my house, so when she does it, she should expect to go to her room. I think time out is a great idea! I don't think it's too soon for you to start disciplining- your SS needs to know you are not going anywhere and you are an adult who he needs to respect! Best of luck to you!
Time is the big thing here,
Time is the big thing here, he needs it to accept you, gradually do more things for him, spend family time together, kids just don't process things like adults do, Im sure that part of him wants to accept you, he's very confused, try to reign back the annoyance because he will feel it, though I do know how hard that can be, if he's rude to you, does his Mum correct him?
Generic advise: The less
Generic advise: The less involved you are in discipline the better off all of you will be.
Some very good advice, albiet
Some very good advice, albiet a bit conflicting. Knucklehead, I like the idea of engaging him for short periods of time. I've actually been trying to do this, but when all the bio and skids are together on the weekends, his attention is difficult to contend with. I guess I'll try to enlist my bio son to help me engage with ss4. SS4 idolizes my boy so I may as well take advantage of that.
The verdict on wether or not I start to discipline seems to be split. Perhaps I'll start with small things and if he doesn't comply, I'll have DW "drop the hammer". Obviously if she isn't around, discipline is a no brainer. Truthfully though, as I mentioned before, the boy is compliant for the most part. His defense mechanism to cry for mom when he doesn't get his way. He's a very cute kid, and staying firm with him when he has crocodile tears and a quivering lip is VERY difficult to do, LOL.
One thing I'd like to add regarding discipline and resentment. I've been trying to help DW and SS4 prepare for pre-school that is just around the corner. I've been calling it "Big boy boot camp". It all sounded grand on papper, but I think that it's put a wedge in my relationship with SS4. He's scared of me sometimes. I'm a big guy and probably look like an intimidating brute from his perspective. Mind you, I'm gentle but firm with the kid. One of my tasks has been helping SS4 learn to wipe his own butt. They won't do this in pre-school for him, and the boy is physically capable of managing the task. He simply likes to be babied and I can't count on DW to stand strong in the midst of crocodile tears at this point. She's getting better, but she has a very difficult time not giving in. The first few attempts were very successful. He resisted at first but it didn't take much encouragement from me to have him follow through. The last time however, was a battle of wills. It took 20 minutes of him balling for "mommy" on the toilet seat before I was able to get him to clean himself. Again, I was gentle with him, but firm. Regardless, I can't help to feel like it negated some of the progress I've made with him.
Lastly, I think I need to really practice the concept of having thick skin. I want to be loved but the fact remains, SS4 has to work this out on his timing, not mine. With this in mind, all I can do is attempt to handle things in a way that will foster, not impede the bond.
Thanks everyone, for your input. I really appreciate the time you took to write a response and share your experiences!
Regards,
John
sounds like my 4 yr old son
sounds like my 4 yr old son with my H. He may be a spirited child. I actually think it's fairly normal for some kids (depending on temperment) but it's really hard to contend with.