Blended Hell, Vacations, etc
Quick recap of situation. Wife has 4 kids prior to us being married; they are 21, 19, 15 and 15. All live in my home fulltime (bio dad completely out of picture financially/parentally). My wife stays at home with our 5 yo son. She does side work for some bullshit multilevel marketing company (essentially sucked into a pyramid scheme) but otherwise makes no money and gets nothing from her ex. I have a 7 yo daughter from before who splits her time between my home and her bio mom. I am a doc who makes decent coin but often I end up a month in the red, once I've paid food, gas, insurance, health care etc for 4 fully grown SK's. Sounds great eh?
I work 80-100 hours per week. My job is high stress. I NEED vacations to recharge. In the past i have taken the whole crew (SK's included) to places like Outer Banks and Jersey shore. Of course the SKs were always ungrateful. Complained whole time about "being bored". But I figured I had an obligation to at least try to be inclusive.
Last summer wife said that her kids didn't want to do a big family trip both because they had too many social/sports obligations and they thought being in a vacation home with me waas "awkward and unfun". Ok, I said. Whatever. So when I asked wife to instead go away with me to florida mith our son and my daughter she refused, in a pissed off way. So I didn't take a vacation all last year, other than a few long weekends. (I am also worried about taking time off due to financial pressures paying for her damn kids).
After a stressful Xmas season last year I broke ddown and pleaded with wife. I NEED A VACATION, I told her. Finally she relented. Over spring break, her parents had already booked a trip with her 15 yo twins to florida for scuba diving. So I said, since they will be on a trip with your parents, why dont we go down to Clearwater, just the 4 of us? Her 19 yo son was going somewhere over Spring break with his friends and the 21 yo SD, I mean, who cares, she's an adult.
So she went but was pissy and withdrawn the whole time. When we got home she unloaded on me. How dare I force her to do a vacation without her kids?? She was PISSED! That I had the audacity to insist she come on a vacation with me and our son and my daughter. Remember, 3 of the SK's already had vacation plans.
So then she informed that her kids were mad because she went on a trip without her so she was going to book a getaway for a "couple days" just with them. I said whatever. She told me someplace local, within driving range. So what does she do? She books a week long trip to Ocean City without telling me. (My schedule is booked out a month in advance so I couldn't make arrangements to join them). So now she's at a beach house in Maryland, posting FB pics for all the world to see and people are texting me asking why I'm not there.
So I said to her that I was going to take my daughter and our son to florida for a quick getaway in August to see my dad. I deferred all vacation plans otherwise, thinking we would have planned something together. She is unable to go because her 15 yo twins have football/gymnastics/cheerleading practices. She tells me unequivocally that i am not allowed to take our son. that it would be "too hard on him". Granted he is rather attached to her (she is with him all day long and has been sleeping in his bed for the past 8 months so it's a little creepy) but there is no reason to draw such a line in the sand. A horrible fight ensued. The word divorce was brought up and she turned vicious; threatening to paint me as unstable father in court, to "go after me", to make sure that I would get only "supervised visits"--- this is what happened during her 1st divorce.
I'm numb and lost right now. I know everyone out there probably saying "grow a pair!". But it's hard. To have to go through a 2nd divorce....
This woman is only with you
This woman is only with you for the money. She does not care about you. Get to a lawyer and document this fight. Document all the things you have bought for her kids and that.
Stop supporting all children that aren't yours. They are not yours to take care of. Only take care of your two children.
And get the divorce if it is necessary. I know it is tough to do so but why stay in such a miserable state of affairs
I'm so sorry you're going
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Once the word divorce is brought up, it's time to start protecting yourself. The first thing you need to do is disengage. That means that everything you're doing for her children needs to stop. Give the adult steps 30 days to secure a job and a place to live. I'm assuming they live in your house. Did you buy the house before you married? Is there a pre nup? It's time to take back your life. There is a lot of great information here about disengagement. The ladies and gentlemen here have amazing stories and will be more than willing to help.
Wow. She is selfish, and I
Wow. She is selfish, and I think you know that.
You need to go to a lawyer, without her knowledge and get the facts. I am guessing since you have a 7 year old, that you have been with her about maybe 6 years. She isn't getting alimony, the only thing she would get is child support. Your 7 year old will be entitled to get most child support , since she was born first. Your second will get what's leftover. All she will get is the need to get a job.
I will tell you, as I have gotten older I have learned not to put up with anyone's bull. You need to do the same.
Why is there no discussion for a couples vacation. I have young bios with dh, and young adults with my ex. My dh and I spend the majority of our time with our bios, going out most weekends etc. But when is comes to vacations, it is adios to the kids and it's only us.
That is how we recharge and become attached as a couple. We go out to adult vacations and do adult things. It gives my husband something to look forward to, so we can be a better couple and be unified parents.
It sounds like your wife is just using you. Don't let her. You are better off getting your son for weekends and vacays. Your wife is threatening you because she is really afraid that if you divorce then the gravy train stops.
I would serve her with a separation agreement, want to see how fast her tune changes?
I am so sorry you are going
I am so sorry you are going through this. You are married to an abusive woman. The longer you let her live off your dime the more you will pay in alimony and the less time with your son likely.
At this point I would start gathering evidence. Perhaps write her an email, let her put her threats in writing. Your 5 year old will be in school soon, send her an email from work saying casually "since .... will be in school next year I thought it might be great if you found a job during the day it will give you something to do and as you know it has gotten a little tight with just my one income and 6 kids. This would likely benefit your son to have some time with peers and other adults in daycare too if he is so attached to his mom that he may not even enjoy a trip alone with his Dad. Basically you are having evidence you tried to get her to work. Go to counseling and let her spew in front of the counselor and suponea the counselor later.
You have been nothing but generous and this woman has taken terrible advantage of you. She must think her nether regions are lined in gold that she can treat you like crap, bring in no income and you will just keep coming back for more.
This...DO NOT let it become a
This...DO NOT let it become a longer term marriage. Go see the best 3 family law attorneys in your county. High wage earners get SCREWED in divorce, so go find out how to protect yourself, then do it. That also includes how to protect against her threats to have supervised visitation. That right there tells me she will lie, fake abuse, etc.
With legal advice you can be prepared and prevent the ugliest of outcomes.
Start with recording her threats to you.
I was kinda, sorta with your
I was kinda, sorta with your wife until the part about the divorce.
I can understand her not wanting to vacation with your 7 year old and not her bios. The simple fix to that would been to tell you to take the 5 and 7 year old and have a blast.
There's no way in hell you should be footing the the bills for her 4 chidlren. Your son is old enough to be in school all day. That means your wife can stop playing work and go out and get a real job. There's no reason why a woman who brought FIVE mouths to the table should not be working full time to support them.
Sorry OP, but your wife found a sucker to take care of her AND HER FOUR kids. The child you had with her was her insurance baby to guarantee that she will be able to clean your clock in a divorce.
I hope you have pre/post nups in place. I would suggest you start calling lawyers.
I recently took a vacay with
I recently took a vacay with my sd, bio of my dh and I while my other bios were away. Granted OP situation is different in that one sk was NOT away but then they have ALL asked NOT to go on vacations that include the sf. I made it clear to my bios who were away (as I would to them if they demanded not to vacation with a sd who is the sole payer of the trip) that while they are off having a fun as I want them to we are not just going to sit in a chair and cry til they come home. We also are able to go do fun things. They get no lack of vacays with us.
It is like these selfish little pricks and their Mom expect this poor guy to NEVER be able vacay again because they don't want to vacay with him, wife won't vacay with him on her own, and she even threatens him he can't take his own son on vacay.
This whole scenario just boils my blood. OP, next time you are dating, if you do, look for character and personality or maybe just live together to avoid being used again like this. Kick this whole merry band of losers to the curb, yes she will be able to soak you for some child support and even alimony for a little while but their standard of living is ready for a huge nose dive as she may be getting a little too old and kid heavy to leech onto her next source of sustenance and actually have to work for a living.
Wife refuses to let me take
Wife refuses to let me take our shared 5 year olds child on a vacation without her. I can either "go alone" or "take daughter from previous marriage". Only way, apparently, in her world of arbitrary justice, to take my own son on vacation would be if I pay for her, all the SK's as well. I indicated I would take him anyway and she lost it. Started talking threateningly/...
The scam job she does has been a huge point of contention. She's been at it for 5 months with negligible income. I told her to look into getting a real job. SHE REFUSES because she has "too much to do for her kids", i.e. driving them all over town for social and sports engagements.
I cant even have a rational discussion with her...
Yes, it becomes a scene. My
Yes, it becomes a scene. My poor boy sees conflict between his mommy and daddy. He has anger toward me, blames me (his mom is with him all day, sleeps with him, etc). So when I told her that I was thinking of taking my 7 yo daughter and our son to florida in August, she immediately told him "daddy is going to TAKE just you and {other daughter} for a trip, what do you think about that?" and he started screaming no no no.
So if i insist, it will be a giant horrible scene. Just what she wants....
She is PAS'ing (Parental
She is PAS'ing (Parental alienation syndrome) you in your own home with you there. She is doing serious damage to your child.
Work without income is
Work without income is volunteering and volunteering to work for free for a for profit entity is just stupid.
Time to put the spreadsheet together regarding how much YOU earn and how much it costs to support the family including your bride, her prior relationship crotch trophy's, yourself, and your shared daughter, and your daughter from the prior relationship.
Divide it by 8 and give your bride a statement for 5.5/8ths of the total bill and inform her that she gets to have a career change that allows her to contribute accordingly to the household finances. Of course you should'nt push it too hard but she should see the balance sheet so that when you tell her that you do not appreciate her ruining the vacation with her manipulative guilt crap you can tune her up with the broad facts before hand.
I have a cousin who has been focued on making her fortune on every network/multi-level/Pyramid marketing scheme for the past 40 years. To this day I don't think she has ever profited a dime though she does have a treasure trive of AMWAY, Lia Sophia, Longeberger, Party Lite, etc.... crap packed into every nook and cranny in her house. I don't even interface with her any more because every time we talk she is trying to scalp me in on her latest scam.
This is a tough one. Good luck addressing this one effectively without launching WWIII.
love the idea of laying it
love the idea of laying it all out for her, also if sf is not good enough for the sks to vacay with his money is not good enuf for them to vacay w either. Mom can use her avon money for that (after paying for her kids living expenses)
This sounds VERY familiar and
This sounds VERY familiar and reminds me of a posters story maybe 1 year ago.
Doctor, what do YOU want from this day forward?
Thanks for input all. My
Thanks for input all. My wife is a very attractive woman who caught me at a down time (ink not dry on my recent divorce). She told me she was on the pill...lol. I wanted to be the "good man" and so i told her to bring her kids and we would make a go of it. Her behavior has alienated me from my family (my mom is not allowed to come to our home) and I feel under siege every time I walk through the door.
She is convinced that SHE is the one who sacrificed. "I moved my kids across town for you!" I hear all the time. She worked part time for a few months but our house deteriorated into a chaotic hell so I told her to stay home and raise our son and take care of the older kids. Nothing I do is good enough.
Our values systems are completely opposite, in terms of child-rearing. She doesn't believe in things like chores or responsibilities for the SK's. I mow the lawn. I trim the bushes. I take the garbage cans out and bring them in at night. All their bedrooms are disaster zones. The 15 SS plays 4 sports and wife is always driving him everywhere, always going out of town for a weekend lacrosse tourney or whatever. If i ever bring up an issue to complain about, she immediately goes into defense mode, says I "hate her kids" which, I mean, how do you even proceed when someone is accusing you of hating children?
Even better, she refuses to ask them to babysit in order for us to go out more. Especially if my daughter is home.
I'm worried about alimony. We've been married 5 years but you never know what a random judge will decree. She fought her previous ex in court for 3 years and basically got all she wanted. Her parents are rich as can be (the SK's all have 100K trust funds set aside for college) so they could easily sic a high profile atty on me.
My life sucks. Despair never felt so real.
Consult several attorneys.
Consult several attorneys.
I DO remember you from last
I DO remember you from last year.
Sorry things are the same IF not worse.
want to stress, if you are
want to stress, if you are worried about alimony GET OUT NOW. If you let this marriage go on longer, especially if you live in a state like Florida or NJ, you will PAY FOR LIFE. Most other states will award alimony for something like 1/2 the length of the marriage or the the length of the marriage.
Go see a lawyer. Lay down the law to her and TELL HER TO GET A JOB. This will benefit you because she will claim you made her stay home and she sacrified her "career" to be with you.
She is an entitled one. GET OUT. She does not love you. She is using you.
Ive made a few appts for next
Ive made a few appts for next week.
She has no career. Always worked for her rich parents. Has always lived off higher income-men (father, 1st husband, now me). But of course she is always the victim.
The chances are she will
The chances are she will continue to use her vag and uterus as a means of income forever. Go ahead and take your son on vacay. Make the plans take him and go. If she files for divorce she looks less sympathetic. Also consider having her followed to see if she is already screwing her next meal ticket. If she saddles him with an anchor baby and he marries her there is an even better chance you will get out of alimony.
She will have no luck with making it so you get 'supervised visits'. She would have a hard time proving how you are a perfectly fine dad for shared custody of your 7 year old with your x but now all of a sudden you are not fit to be with the 5 year old? If you are able to find a good female lawyer all the better. Looks less like 'men beating up on women'. The important thing is you move fast to get away from this cancerous leech. Forgive yourself, you got trapped on the rebound and just get free at this point.
I would say do NOT go on
I would say do NOT go on vacation until she is out of your home.
My uncle is a vicar in NZ. He went on a planned sabbatical for 6 weeks to Israel. His wife supported him and helped him raise the money.
He came home to a bed without a mattress and nothing else. Seriously she cleaned him out of E_V_E_R_Y_T_H_I_N_G. Not a cup or a fork. Not even one kitchen chair. NOTHING.
Just that old wirewove mattress. Not even a sheet.
Time went by and he got his life back together. His one and only son moved in with him and whamo. He took her to court for Child Support and she had to pay.
OK this is in another country but these women are everywhere. See an attorney.
Ohiodoc, seriously, the next
Ohiodoc, seriously, the next time you are feeling vulnerable and considering following a pretty red wagon, just post here. A quick bio of the next love-of-your-life and the folks here may be able to point out some red flags to consider prior.
Stop the hemorrhaging of the rest of your life. Buck up. Raise your kids w/ nannies or whatever you need to do --- the current wife & her resident adults, well, let them go. Quickly. They are sucking the life blood out of you.
OMG, women like this
OMG, women like this infuriate me! There is NO reason you should be supporting her adult children. They need to move out or get a job and pay rent. As other posters have stated the baby you have together is her insurance baby to screw you over
This is disgusting to read! You deserve better and by better I mean a life with your son and daughter from your previous relationship without her and her entitled children!
I think even if you had to pay alimony and support you would be better off than you are in this situation. I'm glad you stated that you have apts to talk to attys. Have you had those apts? Did they go well? I also live in OH and there are attys that specialize in father's rights. I know this b/c my fiancé's ex is a piece of work like this woman and uses empty threats and court all the time to try to scare him into what she wants so I looked into it.
I hope that you stand up for yourself and leave this woman. I can guarantee that being rid of those 6 anchors will be worth any alimony and child support you end up paying and the alimony will run out for her anyways.