Is being a stepford wife the answer?? or the wrong way to go?
So..I'm about to run out screaming right now..
Have u guys ever had one of those days when u just wish u could get in your car and drive somewhere far away and just stay there for a few days?
Well..I'm having one of those days. And its no surprise that its a Wednesday, which is the day my stepdaughter stays with us.
After having an extremely stressfull lunch and afternoon I decided to lock myself in the bathroom, turn my ipod at the highest volume, pick up my laptop and try to vent a little.
Here's a little glimpse at my "lovely" lunch.. SD and my son get home from school, I make them snacks and they each go to their room to do homework. I'm famished cause I had an early breakfast. .so I make a big sandwich for me and my husband..when I get everything all set up and we sit to eat and I'm about to take my first bite the little demon (SD) comes in the kitchen and says she's starving .. her dad looks at me as if waiting for a solution. What does stupid me does? I get so angry inside that I just get up and hand her my sandwich.
I walk out of the kitchen because I feel like I'm about to explode. I don't know why I got so angry that I started shaking.
Now..lately me my DH have been having too many problems so I decided to play the stepford wife and just agree with everything he says.. I'm so tired of arguing over and over and getting nowhere. I think this was the straw that broke the camel's back.
This is surely an eye opener for me.. but I don't know what else to do to save my marriage. I certainly cant be myself .. that hasn't worked for the past few months.. so I decide to be the way he wants me to be..and its killing me inside.
What do I do?
I think that drive sounds about right now! Lol
Thank u guys for listening!
I welcome constructive advice!
What you do is assess whether
What you do is assess whether your marriage is worth what having to do to keep your marriage will do to you and your child.
You're getting angry because you're allowing yourself to be treated badly.
If SD and Dad look to you for a solution for food, smile at them and eat your sandwich. If dad says something, the answer is to sweetly say, I thought you would handle it darling. I already gave her a snack.
Particularly if any of your arguing has been over you not doing things correctly for SD, you need to just stop doing.
I don't know what your arguments have been about, but making yourself into a Stepford is Not the solution unless you want to be an angry, resentful, medicated wreck. You also need to consider how the interactions of you being a stepford are going to influence your son and his view of you and normal relationships.
My suggestion is to stop arguing and to disengage from your stepdaughter. Tell your husband it's too stressful and you don't want to fight with him anymore so his daughter is his responsibility. If she's hungry he needs to feed her. Bath, bed, homework, pick-ups, etc, all need to be on dad. If he doesn't like it, he shouldn't have had a kid. She's not your child, you are not responsible for her. You are responsible for yourself and you need to take care of yourself.
That does Not mean fitting yourself into a mold where you because a shaking ball of anger. That is so very unhealthy honey. Talk to your DH. Maybe try counseling. If he won't step up of go to therapy or work on changing so that there are compromises instead of just you becoming his perfect fantasy, then seriously seriously consider what this marriage is giving you that is worth your sense of self and your mental health.
Dear Aeron .. Thank you so
Dear Aeron ..
Thank you so much for your words.. they were what I needed to hear right now!
I agree with everything you said. I feel I'm fighting too hard to keep this marriage alive and I'm losing not only my well being.. but also myself.
I am a shaking ball of anger. I feel like a lot of it is my fault because I have turned into somebody I'm not. Although on the outside I'm trying to portray a happy understanding wife..inside I'm the exact opposite. It kills me to agree and go along with everything he wants. But I seriously don't know what else to do.
I am gonna take your advice and consider everything that I'm putting myself through. I'm afraid I already know where it's gonna take me.. but.. so be it. I can't keep living like this.
Thank you again very very much for being here!
The thought of leaving a
The thought of leaving a relationship is extremely difficult. However, marriages require two people to Both work on the relationship. Shoving yourself into a mold is not the way to repair anything.
I'm sorry you're in this situation, I'm sorry you're in a position where you feel like the only way to make things work is to agree with everything your husband says. If that's the only way to save your marriage, I'm sorry to say, but it doesn't sound like you're married to a man who's worth saving a marriage to.
Take care of yourself. Glad we could help in any small way.
Dear Aeron.. I agree with u
Dear Aeron..
I agree with u that the thought of leaving a relationship is very difficult. I just got home from going out with my husband for lunch and for the entire time we just argued. Its stressful and emotionally draining. I'm tired of it. Extremely tired. The thing is that I love him. Very much. I can't see myself without him. But I cant stand his daughter and the way he accepts all her wrongs and never tries to teach her the right way. She walks all over him and I just have to watch and not voice my opinion when it comes to her...that's what he says.
He says I need to respect the way he is with her because he respects the way I am with my son. He told me today that I need to decide if I can accept them as a "package deal "..because like it or not..she will always be a part of his life. So.. I need to either learn to "respect " his parenting methods and SD the way she is.. or we can't be together.
I am so lost and confused right now..I don't even know how to put this into words.
I love him and I don't want to be without him..but I cant keep living like this.
I think my head is going yo explode.!
"My suggestion is to stop
"My suggestion is to stop arguing and to disengage from your stepdaughter. Tell your husband it's too stressful and you don't want to fight with him anymore so his daughter is his responsibility. If she's hungry he needs to feed her. Bath, bed, homework, pick-ups, etc, all need to be on dad. If he doesn't like it, he shouldn't have had a kid. She's not your child, you are not responsible for her." YES!!!!!! This is what I did. Does DH think I am a bitch? Yes. Do I feel better? Yes. Do I care? No.
My husband would admit me
My husband would admit me into the psych ward if I suddenly started agreeing with everything he says!
I don't know what all of your problems are, so I'm not sure about the constructive advice, but I would stop catering to your SD and let your husband deal with her and her hunger. Disengage. He is her parent and when she is there, he should be the one tending to her needs.
You will really start to resent your husband and his daughter if you continue to force yourself to be someone you are not. Have you talked to your DH about this or does he not want to hear it?
Thanks for the response! I
Thanks for the response! I appreciate the advice! I will definitely try to disengage from now on.
Maybe it will do the trick.
specially since her presence alone is enough to put me in a bad mood.
How wrong is it that I absolutely cannot stand my SD?
You are certainly not alone.
You are certainly not alone. A lot of step parents are less than thrilled with their step children. The trick is finding a way to deal with it that works, without letting it destroy you or your marriage.
My SD (now 21) was not a bad kid and I didn't have to do anything for her if I didn't want to. My husband had no problem taking care of his child and did not expect me to.
Thanks again hereiam.. I wish
Thanks again hereiam..
I wish my husband was as understanding as yours.. with mine is either I accept SD the way she is and accept his way of letting her run all over him.. or there's no other way.
Its been incredibly difficult for me lately.
He's the kind of man who's very good with words and at the end of every argument I always end up thinking I'm the wrong one.
Its emotionally draining and very frustrating.
^^^Exactly! My husband is
^^^Exactly! My husband is very proud of my independent IDGAF attitude and would seriously question who he married if I went all stepford on him.
I completely agree with the
I completely agree with the advice given. Disengage, let the husband be responsible for her. If that doesn't help the situation, counseling is always worth a shot. Hopefully simply disengaging will the answer to your problems.
Thanks for the advice
Thanks for the advice as123..
I will try to disengage ..even though for me its not as easy as it sounds. She drives me up the wall. And his lack of parenting skills are very difficult to ignore.
But I will try for as long as I can.
Hi Foxie! Yes..I eventually
Hi Foxie!
Yes..I eventually ate. I had to go make myself another sandwich while the little demon ate mine.
And you're right..next time this happens I will try my best to just ignore SD and DH and go on with my lunch.
There is only so much a human
There is only so much a human being can reasonably take before they decide that it is enough. You will continue to get more and more resentful.
I am trying to wrap my brain around the fact thaat your dh actually had the nerve to look at you. I would have been so livid.
I will take your advice and
I will take your advice and always have my ipod with me when my SD from hell is with us.
I wish I could be more of myself with my husband like u are with yours.
My husband is too old fashioned and his ways are always the right way..according to him.
He says its "common sense " that I treat SD with the respect she deserves.
Today after arguing for over an hour he gave an ultimatum ..
Either accept him with her as a package deal or don't accept him at all.
Because according to him.. I don't have the right to say anything I don't like about her..because he doesn't interfere with the way I raise my son.
I am so upset and confused right now.
You should have grabbed HIS
You should have grabbed HIS sandwich and given it to her.
I am mad for you. Makes me want to come bitch slap both of them.
^^^YES!
^^^YES!
Newadri, I think you got so
Newadri, I think you got so angry because you were experiencing low blood sugar from failing to eat. This is the first thing I suspect when either DH or I erupts in rage. We recognize it as a trigger now, and we eat something BEFORE the situation goes too far. So you have to take care of yourself before you take care of anyone else. It's like the oxygen mask on the plane...you put yours on FIRST.
Why didn't daddy make her a
Why didn't daddy make her a damned sandwich? WTF? NO WAY would I give up my sandwich to one of the effing skids!
I didn't respond to this post
I didn't respond to this post immediately because I was SO damn angry for you!
You were given good advice above and the only thing I'm going to add is your own words spit back at ya: I love him and I don't want to be without him..but I cant keep living like this.
Key words being I CAN'T KEEP LIVING LIKE THIS...you shouldn't HAVE to. So don't.
I definitely would not have
I definitely would not have given my sandwich to a skid BUT I think you were just so beyond frustrated that you pretty much exploded and who can blame you!
I agree with the others-- disengage. Skid is NOT your kid, and NOT your problem. If she's hungry, then her PARENT needs to get her something to eat. Or depending on how old she is, why can't she get her own food? Don't cater to her.
A couple weeks ago, I made a nice dinner for DH and I (SD ate dinner maybe an hour ago, if that, at DH's parents house). We sit down to eat together and here comes SD saying she's hungry. Since I knew she JUST ate dinner, I only made enough for DH and I. What does DH do.. gives SD his food. I guess it's better than me giving her MY food, but it still pissed me off!
Hello Christinen! Thanks for
Hello Christinen!
Thanks for writing and for your advice!
Seems like you went through a very similar event with your SD!
As I was reading your story it was if I was seeing my own life!
My husband will do that too sometimes, and it pisses me off beyond belief.
It just makes my blood boil when we take the time to prepare a nice meal for our DHs and they just hand it off to the demon SD.
It's very frustrating.
I will surely not let the same thing happen again...and next time the little demon comes in saying she's hungry (when I know for a fact she's not) I will let her dad handle it. Of course I know he's gonna give her his food.. but whatever. I don't know how much longer of this crap anyways.
I'm seriously considering moving out in the summer..when my son finishes this school year.