This is my first time posting here and I have seen so much support! i am looking for some support and understanding in my situation. I am a stepmom coming into the relationship with no children and have little to no experience with children. My Husband has 2 children. The sd is 8 and the ss is 13. I can say I came into a horrible situation.

His ex was diagnosed with bi-polar, psychosis and various other psychotic diseases. She is out of the picture since she tried to kill the kids (a year ago). She committed suicide shortly after getting released for probation in another state. (I cant even describe how much harder it was to live in the situation i did when she was alive because of the constant fear and PTSD attacks my hubby and the kids would have...) She was very abusive to my husband as well. I am paying the price of this abuse as I cannot provide suggestions to the kids (like taking a shower without a hissy fit) or to my hubby (who becomes defensive when I talk about his children). So i am stuck in a state of uncertainty when i can say anything. Also, the fear of getting compared to her or his mother. I feel like its three against one since i am the odd man out.

Often times when i will bring something up, about one of the kids behavior, my hubby shuts down and tries to smooth things out- but his method of doing this is just withdrawing and saying "I'll talk with the kids". He has these conversations with the kids about once a month but they revert back because it is not enforced. He doesnt follow through with parenting and i feel like the bad guy because i bring something up to him. He is kind of oblivious to his kids. I have asked him how he doesnt see some of these things and to my understanding he is only now getting involved in the childrens lives and interacting with them. His ex was a stay at home mom who did the child rearing.... good idea when she is diagnosed psychotic... I can tell the mothers influence on the children as i have had remarks like "i will put a screwdriver in your head"... I have to point out something as simple as the SD needs her hair combed when it is matted and wild.

The 8 year old is very clingy and act like a baby as a way to get more attention. She will constantly do gymnastic tricks and repeat her self if she feels she didn't get heard. Even when I acknowledge her statements and have a conversation with her. She will tell action by action what she is doing and why she is a good girl. We constantly give her praise and it never seems to be enough. I do believe she is behind emotionally as she just started taking showers on her own.

The 13 year old is like a isolated pissy cat. He never has anything nice to say. He sits on his game all night long. I have discussed with hubby my concerns surrounding his attitude when he plays games like COD. He thinks its ok to treat people how he treats them in the game. I cannot say I have had a nice dinner where he didnt bitch. It is to the point that i dont want to fight with him to eat the meal i prepared. If i say something directly to him he starts crying... I have never yelled or raised my voice because of all the trauma.

I dont know what to do. I feel i give my whole heart and soul into this and I have talked about this with a few of my girlfriends and they said i should start doing things on my own. I love my hubby to death and really enjoy the kids company sometimes. But the abuse is very fresh for them and i never know how they will be that day. they go to counseling but i dont think they really benefit from it. After therapy they tend to revert deeper in their state of mind... I feel like i am at a loss... I want to keep helping but feel my efforts are unnoticed.