Advice, please! Am I expecting too much from him?
Okay, so here is the breakdown. I've been dealing with this in my head for a week or so and have no idea where to turn, I don't want biased opinions from friends or to say the wrong thing to my partner before I get my thoughts straight. My partner and I recently got engaged, he has been basically living with us for the last 6 months, but as of last month is when he gave notice for his own place and moved his stuff in. I have a 4, soon to be 5 year old son, and my fiancé has a 3 year old son. We all get along really well, we do family things together and the kids are best friends. I have joint custody of my son, so he is here half of the time, and my fiancé's son is here every second weekend and one night the the opposite week. I'm not sure if its the mother in me, but I put in a huge effort with my soon to be step son .. I love him very much, he loves me and I treat him the same as I would treat my son. I don't intend to take his mothers role, but when he's at my house the kids are treated the same. I play with him, cook for him, kiss his booboo's, I show him affection and treat him as I would any child really.. But I feel as if my partner doesn't put in the effort that he should with my son. My son will ask him to help with a video game, or try and get his attention and I feel more often than not he brushes him off. I know it's not that he dislikes my son, I just don't feel he tries enough. But when it comes to discipline he's quick to step up there, to tell him when he's out of line or to chat with him when he's disrespecting me. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that; my son respects him and loves his company. I'm just not sure If I am expecting more than I should, if I should approach him about it at all, or what I'm supposed to do here.. I don't want to just wait it out and hope it gets better to be disappointed I feel its unfair to my son. He is a really nurturing dad, and loves his son very much, but seems a little off put with my son. We're going to be a family. This is making me a little crazy, my son is my number one priority, I don't want to marry a man that's only in it for me. HELP.
Any flaws you see now will be
Any flaws you see now will be magnified several times over the next few months and magnified again should you marry - which I highly recommend against. Certainly don't have a child with the guy until all these issues are resolved.
Your natural mothering instincts are at work and unlike some woman are all encompassing. His fathering instincts isn't. Your problem narrows down to how will he treat your son when he becomes more and more comfortable in his role.
I predict, based on what others have reported here, that he will become more and more harsh on the kid. When you see this happening then you will know its time to admit the mistake and break up your little group, no its not a family. Don't make the mistake of shacking up or marrying again until the little one is out of high school.
Date all you wish, including this guy, just don't set up housekeeping.
Right now you are in your
Right now you are in your honeymoon stage. People are usually on their best behavior in the beginning of the relationship, then as time goes on, the politeness and patience wears off. Things will NOT get better, they will only stay the same or get worse.
I'd like to play devil's advocate for a minute. "But when it comes to discipline he's quick to step up there, to tell him when he's out of line or to chat with him when he's disrespecting me." Okay, we tend to have blinders on when it comes to our bio's bad behavior. Is it possible that your finance corrects your son because he needs it? It doesn't sound like he's berating your son or yelling at him, he's just having "little chats" with your son when he feels your son is disrespecting you.
Could it be that the reason that your finance is "off put" with your son is because of his behavior? I know I don't like spending time with kids that are poorly behaved. I've dealt with bad behavior from neighbor's kids, my friend's kids, and an ex-boyfriend's son.
When a kid misbehaves a lot, you don't want to spend a lot of time around them. The guy I dated for a couple years had a kid that did not listen. His kid's misbehavior left such a bad taste in my mouth, after a while I couldn't stand to be around the kid even when he wasn't being bad. Could it be that's why your fiancé doesn't spend time playing with your son and seems more focused on the discipline?
Just some food for thought.
But at the end of the day, you have to listen to your gut. You wouldn't have posted this if you didn't feel that things were okay. It doesn't really matter who's right or wrong in this situation, it just may be that the two of you have different parenting styles. It's important that ya'll sort this out before you bring any more children into this situation.
Good luck to you.
Many here may find this
Many here may find this surprising but I agree that you should not marry a man who is only in the relationship for "you" if that man does not understand clearly that "you" includes your son.
The marriage is and always should be the unequivical priority for both of the spouses and as equity life partners they are also equity parents to any children in their home regardless of the biology of those children. Equity parenting includes care, affection, and support as well as discipline.
Though I do not have the same dynamic in my blended family marriage that you do, I have no BKs, I understood that by asking my bride to marry me I was also accepting her son (we married a week before SS-22 turned 2yo) as my own and commiting to raise him as my brides equity partner in life and as an equity parent to the Skid.
It sounds to me that your SO gets most of it but is struggling with the connection and affection element of Sparenting. To work well for everyone it can't just be about rules and discipline. Particularly when each partner brings children to the mix.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Do not rush things. I have a
Do not rush things. I have a friend who married her dream husband (2nd for her) and he had a TEMPER. Her kids were affected, there are holes in her walls, door jams busted, etc. and it was WEEKS after the wedding. And we are in our late 30s/early 40s so this wasn't some young punk. Give it plenty of time and go through the valleys of life before deciding it's forever. It might be nothing, or it might be a little red flag that should give you pause.
On the other hand, I probably would be just like him with a skid. I just don't like other people's kids, so your behavior toward your own skid is a little too much for me. I barely act that way with my own kids.