6 yr old SS annoys the CRAP out of me!!!!!
OK so in a nutshell:
I am going crazy. My SS is 6 years old and is the LEAST self-efficient child I think I have ever met in that age group. He doesn't listen when instructed to do something, cut his own food, wipe his own butt properly, shower or bathe on his own, asks 10,000 questions an hour, and wants nothing to do with anything but video games. He is manipulative, and always gets his way. DH pretty much never punishes him, it is always threats and if he does attempt punishment he goes back on it. Some examples:
- He does not brush his teeth on his own, and he still uses baby toothpaste, whining if he has to use normal mint. When I do tell him to brush, he wanders out to watch TV with the brush just hanging out of his mouth. I should not have to tell him 3 times a day to brush over the sink, HE KNOWS. And when I do tell him, he will just walk a few steps away and stare at the TV again, never making it to the bathroom! (neither of his parents have him brush his teeth more than once a day if that....)
-EVERY TIME WE EAT, even if it is a Hot Pocket, he asks for his food to be cut up. WTF, thats finger/hand food. He is 6 and can't cut anything with a fork, or butter knife.
-His underpants are consistently gross and every pair is ruined as soon as we buy it. He JUST started being expected to wipe himself when I came into the picture, because I told his father that was ridiculous and that when he went to school nobody would do it for him. He will go to the bathroom then yell "I'M DONE" from the toilet and expect you to run to wipe him.
-He does not shower/take a bath daily. He must be told. When he does, he literally screams through the house when he is done, or even if he wants to change the temperature, he won't just DO IT! He expects us to! He also can't dry himself off!!!
-Every morning he comes into my room and says "Where's my dad?" Like he doesn't know he's working. He works EVERY DAY. He will also randomly revert into baby voice, even screeching "MAMA! MAMA!"at random.
He does not keep his hands to himself, he hits other kids that come over to play. He is a terrible eater and has a different dinner than us practically EVERY night,which is usually fast food, because he won't eat what I cook and I refuse to make 2 dinners. I tell his dad this is BS and I'm not catering to it. He then tries to say "I'm fuuuuulllll...." after 2 bites. His dad will begin negotiating the NUMBER OF BITES he has to take before he gets down! I think he needs to eat his entire plate of food! He is a brat, and I am tired of it. Every time I bring it up we end up fighting and DH is offended. I have a 4 month old to care for and don't have time for babyish shit from the 6 year old anymore. He isn't 4 anymore! HELP am I just an evil step mom or is this as dumb as I think it is!!!???
I cannot stand the dependent
I cannot stand the dependent nature of kids who are perfectly capable, but lazy and unwilling to do even the simplest things for themselves. I have a SD12 and SS8 whose BM has nothing else to do in life but cater to her kids and baby them to the point that they are incapable of doing anything without a lot of instruction. By the time I was 12, I was helping clean the house, do laundry, mow the yard, etc.
I am in awe that DH constantly has to remind his kids that they need to put on pajamas, brush their teeth and wash their faces. They goof around constantly and he literally has to stand in the doorway of the bathroom to keep on them so that they finish the nightly routine. It amazes me that they can’t do these simple tasks without constant supervision. Namby pamby parenting indeed - DH is nearly as lax as the kids' BM in making them take on more responsibility for themselves.
I know. I just don't think it
I know. I just don't think it is asking too much for him to pick up behind himself (toys, movies, Wii discs, etc.). He will take off dirty clothing and think it is funny to throw it elsewhere when he is standing RIGHT NEXT to his hamper. It's disrespect, because he knows it will be picked up. I'm not a maid....
Good to know. I was just
Good to know. I was just going by reading the back of the tube he uses....
I understand he is not
I understand he is not 16....and he isn't made to use the normal toothpaste regularly, only if he spends the night with grandparents or something and doesn't have his. Even when he does use the kids paste, he purposely knocks it off of the brush because he doesn't want to brush his teeth. He doesn't do that NOR get his nails trimmed at BM's house....I think that is the root of the problem.
And I agree with Selene and MizFoxie. I struggle with being the only one with a backbone at times, because I feel like I'm the parent the kids are going to hate since I'm the only one following through with enforcement. I also had small chores, (obviously he isn't going to mow the yard or wash the dishes, but the kid has never even ATTEMPTED to make his own bed)and a small allowance to teach me to value my things.
I told him if he could remember the whole stay at our house (4 days) to brush his teeth every day, with no reminders, we would take him to pick out something special, thinking maybe a reward system would help. I even put up a little board with gold star stickers for every time he remembered.
Not one star up there yet.
My main issue is he knows he doesn't have to listen because he isn't MADE to. And I'm not comfortable physically disciplining someone else's kid....
My nephew is 6 and still damn
My nephew is 6 and still damn near cries every time he needs his nails done too. LOL I know that has to be the age!
When he comes to our house he says things like "Well my mom doesn't make me brush my teeth every day" or "my mom lets me do this/that..." it's just a constant battle and explaining to him that's fine, but this is OUR house. Our rules are different and they are to be followed here.....sigh
Then don't discipline him.
Then don't discipline him. Disengage. Let DH step up to the plate and do EVERYTHING for him.
THIS EXACTLY. I know he is
THIS EXACTLY. I know he is testing us! BM has a new BF and I know he gets away with different things there than he does at our house. Different house, different rules is fine. I just think it is doing nothing but crippling the child to not teach him some beginning form of self efficiency. And thank you haha! I love the kid to pieces but it's just been years and it's getting old, ya know? I imagine to some extent it's just 6 year old behavior.
Read this article about
Read this article about disengaging:
http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
Disengaging has been my
Disengaging has been my thought. The problem I see with that is that I now have a son too and that will raise all sorts of issues when he is older, because I will not allow my son to carry on that way. If he sees his older brother acting a fool, of course he will try doing the same and getting away with the same things. I absolutely think DH needs to be the one to discipline. Right now though, I work from home, stay home with both kids while DH works (he is the main income), and am in school. Mostly I am the caretaker for both kids, so if I leave DH to do all the discipline it won't get done, he isn't home enough. Yes he is in 1st grade, yes I have tried the wet wipes. I have tried the "send him to bed hungry" thing because that's what happened to me! However DH will eventually undermine me and let him have a snack before bed, or make some excuse like "well no 6 year old will really eat that."
My parents were pretty strict with me. I think if he hits, he should be spanked. If he won't eat with us fine, he can go to bed hungry a few times and live. If he can't pick up his games, he will lose them and not be allowed to play them for awhile. If he throws a fit and embarasses us, he can be spanked and embarassed himself. It's not that hard to me....DH seems to think yelling/chastising/cursing will fix the issues but they just cause SS to cry and repeat the behavior. Any advice on how to talk to DH about getting on the same page?
I think I will try to just
I think I will try to just sit down and talk with him and make a list like you said. Usually when we talk about it it's after a long, frustrating day for me and unfortunately by then I'm very short. He is with us Saturday, Sun, Mon, Tue, and goes home whenever BM decides to pick him up Wed. If she needs a sitter I do also tell her to leave him with me, I would rather him be here than with some teenager. I love him and I do love to have him over, but sometimes enough is just enough....when I see so many of his peers not behaving like babies it calls the parenting into question for me! It is hard for me to step aside though, I will have to work at it. I just don't get it, I was never allowed to start my day at that age until I had showered washed my face and brushed my teeth. My parent's made me eat my fruits and veggies and I ate so much of them I turned out a vegetarian! LOL Kids these days. Thank you so much!!
Solutions. Zombie stare at
Solutions.
Zombie stare at the TV when procrastinating brushing his teeth: You have the remote. Turn off the TV until he goes back to the bathroom. This drives them insane. At least it did my Skid.
Not brushing teeth adequately: Do it for him. Firm and comprehensive brushign and flossing by a parent quickly grows interest in the kid doing it themselves. "It hurts!!! Wahhhhhhh!". "If you don't l like how I do it then you had better do it yourself hadn't you?" Then buy the pink dye pills and make them keep brushing until all of the pink stain is gone.
Not effectively wiping: Show the skid marks to the kid in the living room with dad present. Clean him up with disinfectant wipes rather than baby wipes. They will light a raw butt on fire which will motivate him to wipe effectively. Or ... put him in a diaper and make him wear it to school for a few days. That ought to get him interested in wiping.
Separate menu and not cutting up his own food: STOP THAT SHIT NOW!!! He eats what is served or he does not eat. He sits at the table in front of his plate until bedtime then he goes to bed without eating. If you really want to make the point cover his plate with plastic wrap, put it in the refridgerator and then he can have it for breakfast, lunch, then dinner for a couple of days after. He eats it or he starves. He cuts up his own damned food. PERIOD!!!!!
No you are not being undreasonable or an evil SMom. You are expecting a 6yo to act like a 6yo and you are at the end of your tolerance for anything less.
"Zombie stare at the TV when
"Zombie stare at the TV when procrastinating brushing his teeth: You have the remote. Turn off the TV until he goes back to the bathroom. This drives them insane. At least it did my Skid."
I do this with my skids all the time, and yes, it drives them crazy. I can be watching freaking CNN nightly news talking about foreign policy, and they will stand in the middle of the living just total zombie mode staring at it. It's frightening though how slow their reactions are when I do it. It takes a full three to five seconds for them to turn and go 'what happened?' when I do it.
I think most of this is
I think most of this is typical behaviour for a 6 year old...6 year olds are just annoying lol. My SD6 geeks out on the TV all.the.time. Never finishes something she starts, takes her an hour to eat dinner, she complains about the food (which we make her eat anyway), says she can't do things by herself (we make her anyway), needs help in the bath, still uses children's toothpaste (which I think is totally normal). It's just a trying phase, and a very irritating age. Hang in there!
I had a similar problem with
I had a similar problem with my ex. His 6 yo son was babied and he never disciplined him. He treated my 4 year old son bad, and my ex never said anything! For example, we were at a baseball game and I over heard SS tell my son he wasn't as smart as other kids his age because he was asking questions about the game, my sons feelings were hurt. I told my ex, and he told me later he was getting 2 different stories from me and SS! Like I would lie! He babies him because he feels bad about divorce from his ex. I can't stand the kid. His lack of parenting and discipline was what causes us to separate.
I had a similar problem with
I had a similar problem with my ex. His 6 yo son was babied and he never disciplined him. He treated my 4 year old son bad, and my ex never said anything! For example, we were at a baseball game and I over heard SS tell my son he wasn't as smart as other kids his age because he was asking questions about the game, my sons feelings were hurt. I told my ex, and he told me later he was getting 2 different stories from me and SS! Like I would lie! He babies him because he feels bad about divorce from his ex. I can't stand the kid. His lack of parenting and discipline was what causes us to separate.
I think some of this is
I think some of this is expecting a little much of a 6 year old... but most of it - do we have the same SS6? I feel like you are reading my mind right now.
SS6 is the EXACT same. Of
SS6 is the EXACT same. Of course all of this is the doing of the parents. If the skid is never expected to do these things themselves, a 6 yr old isn't going to take the initiative to try on their own. However, I'm starting to realize that SS6 is playing SO like a fiddle. He's been getting in trouble at school for behavioural issues and not listening on nearly a daily basis since he started kindergarten. BM always has SS6 call his dad to inform him himself that he has yet again gotten in trouble. Now as much as I really don't like this woman, and disagree with other areas of her parenting, her discipline with him has really improved. As the calls are generally on speaker phone, I hear everything. Including BM disciplining SS6 and the conversation between her and SS6. In several incidents, she's taken the words right out of my mouth, and fora brief moment I actually respect her as a parent. SO talks to him in this sickening baby voice that has not even a glimmer of authority behind it. He drags his lectures out and the kid loses interest. Be firm, brief, and to the point. I really didn't think it took a parent (I don't have any BKs of my own) to see this works. I'm starting to see he is a classics disney dad. This past weekend (we have SS6 EOWE) it was more prominent than ever. He's treating this kid as an equal and giving him say in things a 6 yr old shouldn't have a say in. It sort of just hit me that BM wouldn't tolerate this. There is no way she works a full time job and comes home to be her son's personal slave. He's wiping his own ass, getting his own drinks and snacks and bathing himself without her help. Why should he get the royal treatment at our house? As per usual my SO feels that their weekends together should be jam packed with non stop entertainment and fun. That is not life.
SO and I are both in the canadian military and this past weekend was our unit's annual kid's Christmas party. Seeing so many other kids around the same age really opened my eyes. These kids were trusted to go off and do the activities and bouncey rooms etc as their parents mingled and had some snacks. My SO left me alone to stand at the side of the bouncey room to hover over SS6 and watch his every move. He was non stop whining (they had oj for the kids instead of his preferred Apple juice, he had to wait too long to see Santa, couldn't rip his gifts open in the middle of the function, whining that he didn't want to be there in the first place and we made him go) and it was never ending. After being so embarassed around the other parents as their children, some younger than 6 were not acting this way, I decided I need to say something to SO as maybe he is blind to his child's faults, as a lot of parents are. We got home and let him open the present. He tears a hole in the paper and sees its a hot wheels track. He immediately says this isn't what I wanted and actually said he is ungrateful for it. In my mind I'm thinking, " for him to use the word ungrateful probably means BM has told him he was at some point, so clearly she is trying to correct this behaviour". Of course, daddy barely told him off and he continues to whine about the present. At this point I'm fuming. And then to hear him negotiate terms for dinner ("daddy, you feed me so I can play", "I don't want corn I want rice", "I'm full, I only want 2 more bites") I was trying so hard not to show my anger at this situation. I had to walk away. He talks to my SO with such disrespect, he started talking down to his father as if he knows better. This is unacceptable to me. I wouldn't tolerate anyone else disrespecting SO right in front of me, so why should I allow SS6 to do so? SO and SS6 both need a wake up call and a reminder of who's the child and who's the parent. Looks like I'll have to be the one to give it to them.
My SS9 is 9 and still has to
My SS9 is 9 and still has to be reminded to bathe and brush his teeth. Yes, I have to stand there and make sure he brushes right. Yes, I have to feel his hair when he gets out of the shower because he's been known not to wash it. Funny, I told my DH a year ago that he wasn't always washing his hair. 2 months ago BM tells DH to make sure to pay attention to SS showering because he hadn't been washing his hair. Yup, already ahead of that one for a LONG time. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Cutting the food up, he needs to learn that on easy stuff definitely. Wiping his butt, yup, he's old enough.