You agreed to this -- How to respond?
So, last night, DH and I were talking about a variety of things and the topic turned to parenting/step-parenting -- both agreeing that both are difficult jobs.
In the course of the conversation, I made some comment about how the stepparent ends up investing a lot of emotion, energy, resources, time, etc., into a child who's not theirs. DH said that made him feel defensive and annoyed because the stepparent had plenty of time and opportunity to decide not to get into the relationship.
I see his point. That's true. But I just felt like he didn't get it. Maybe I didn't explain myself well enough. I feel like while I did know what I was getting into, I didn't. Probably the same for bio parents as well. DH and his ex had to go through a lot of fertility stuff to end up with SS8 (nearly 9). Yet he frequently talks about how hard it is, how he's not good with kids and that it all wears him out. So, really, his comment could have been turned around on him. As usual, I didn't think of that in the moment so will have to save that for later.
SS8 and I get along fine though things have been cooler with us lately. I trace it back to an incident on vacation when I had to be really firm with him on something. He'll talk to me occasionally but otherwise he's monosyllabic with me (if that). Not rude. Just distant and uncommunicative. He tends to be like that as he's not really an easy kid to get to know or to get attached to. But it's all been worse since this summer.
Anyway, DH stressed that he wanted to make sure I was getting what I need and that SS8 isn't treating me badly. I assured him it's fine. And it is. I don't need or even expect SS8 to like me and he's not disrespecting me so I can deal with being the third wheel. So, it's not like DH is totally insensitive. I just feel like I can't really talk to him about how I feel. But then, maybe I'm not supposed to?
The thing is - anything, and
The thing is - anything, and I mean ANYTHING you do for your SS is doing DH a favor. Stepparenting isn't a job, you aren't responsible for him in any way, shape or form, unless you agree to it.
So perhaps DH should be grateful and appreciative instead of telling you that you "knew what you were getting into". Maybe you should do less so he can see just how much you are doing, entirely voluntarily.
Your DH wants that “Happy Family”. Thing
He did not get that with BM. ( because they divorced). Now he trying to get it with you. BH and him has there alone time there vacation alone before there kid. He does not want to start over with you, he want to insert you into his happy family. The one he never had, And let life go on.
you as most SP want to start fresh. Have romantic weekends, do thing together alone. With out SK always comminf first. Not having SK controlling your life and time. It's not that you " hate" SK but you want to come first and make memories by yourself.
Unless you can get into a balance, of romantic time, doing thing first for you as a couple, And doing thing for SK, you marriage is doomed
Oh, we do get romantic time.
Oh, we do get romantic time. We have a 50-50, week-on/week-off split. We take trips together (just the two of us), cook foods we like, etc., and take full advantage of no-kid weeks. When SS8 is with us, naturally, things can be different but that's just the nature of having a kid in the house. No, I'm not going to cook something I know he hates while he's with us. We save stuff we know we all three like for those weeks. And we rarely vacation all three of us. More like once a year -- if that. Vast majority of our travel is adults-only and DH is clear that's his priority.
In the course of the
In the course of the conversation, I made some comment about how the stepparent ends up investing a lot of emotion, energy, resources, time, etc., into a child who's not theirs. DH said that made him feel defensive and annoyed because the stepparent had plenty of time and opportunity to decide not to get into the relationship.
Even if the stepparent knew exactly what they were getting into (and that's never the case), the stepparent still ends up investing a lot of emotion, energy, resources, time, etc. into a child who's not theirs. It's just a fact. And if you're discussing the difficulties of parenting and stepparenting, it's a relevant fact. Your DH seemed to take it a little too personally. The best response would be to acknowledge how true that is and thank the stepparent for her efforts. It's the defensiveness of the bio parents and their inability to fully appreciate the efforts of their spouse that can lead to disengagement. Because really, who wants to constantly do favors for someone who expects it and isn't appreciative?
Yes. DH is pretty
Yes. DH is pretty appreciative of things. He always thanks me for stuff and every now and then tells me how much he appreciates what I do or mentions how much I do to help out, knowing it's not my responsibility. And I want to help -- mainly to help DH.
But it's frustrating when there's no appreciation and just entitlement from SS8. Kids are like that. I know. But if I were a bio parent, I feel like it'd be easier to take. There's no primal bond with SS8. I don't have to love or even like him. I care about him. If I didn't, I wouldn't help. I wouldn't care if his clothes fit or if he makes good grades or if he has good manners. When there's no reward, it gets exhausting. No matter what I do -- even if it's going out of my way to do something special for him -- he doesn't care. So, I've pretty much stopped that.
Honestly, he's the same with his dad (and it frustrates him). But at least there, there's the parent-child bond to make it more bearable. SS8 is an only child and grandchild and he's used to getting what he wants when he wants it (more from BM and her parents than from us). Hard to counteract when 50% of the time, he's the lord of the manor. Then he comes to our house and he's treated like a kid. I could be wrong, but part of me suspects that he blames me in some way for the fact that he's not the center of the universe at our house.
The usual "you knew what you
The usual "you knew what you were getting into" bullshit. As Sparents did we know our SO had kids. Yes, yes we did.
What we did not know was that our SO is a failed parent (if they are in fact a failed parent), what we did not know is that their X is batshit crazy, useless and toxic, what we did not know is that while we are expected to provide resources, our time and our hearts to these kids we are not actually a parent to them, what we did not know is that our SO might insist on putting their spawn before us and our relationship, etc, etc, etc.....
Mirroring is a great tool to apply to these conversations. As annoying at is is, Dr. Phil and his "and how is that working out for you" comment is brilliant. We can only be accountable for our own behaviors in the blended family mix. We should not take responsibility for our SO's failures as a parent or anything else they fail at.
I wouldn't say DH is a failed
I wouldn't say DH is a failed parent. I think he's too permissive in some ways (SS8 is very spoiled and entitled, though a lot of that comes from BM and her parents) and he tends to be hyper-sensitive where SS8 is concerned. Lots of parents can be, I suppose.
SS8 and I just don't have a strong connection. Again, he's not disrespectful or anything (yet). We just don't really connect. His bond is with his dad. I get that and I accept that. But it can be painful to feel like you're not a part of something very big in your SO's life. DH is very affectionate and attentive to me. It's not that. But I do feel like a third wheel most of the time when SS8 is around and there's not really any way to solve that. I'm OK with it. But it's not always easy and I don't think DH fully understands. Then, though, I guess, how can he? I don't fully understand what it feels like to be a parent.
Appreciation from kids? No...
" He'll talk to me occasionally but otherwise he's monosyllabic with me (if that). Not rude. Just distant and uncommunicative."
But is he like that with his father? You said he is not so appreciative, which is frustrating and I know is much easier to take when you're the real parent. If he is monosyllabic with you, that is concrete feedback to give your DH. Even an 8 year old can learn social skills and the fact that treating people dismissively, particularly someone who is doing something nice for you, is not acceptable.
He's somewhat like that with
He's somewhat like that with his dad, yes. And DH has complained forever that he feels like SS is entitled and spoiled and that it drives him nuts that he doesn't appreciate things. Last year we agonized forever over birthday/Christmas gifts. We found him what we thought would be cool stuff -- since we asked repeatedly for ideas and a list but SS never made any suggestions or requests. (He gets so much stuff through the year from his mom and her family that come gift-giving season, there's nothing he wants.) Anyway, we tried. He basically opened stuff and stared at it and moved on to the next thing. Most of it hasn't been touched since. I told DH, and he agreed, that we're making SS tell us some things he wants this year. None of the guessing game.
He does usually say thank you when someone gives him something, even as simple as a napkin at dinner. So, he has learned manners.
The monosyllabic isn't just with giving him stuff with me, though. Like last night, he had a line in his class fall program. Afterwards, he was chatty with DH about a field trip coming up. I told him he did a great job and he kind of shrugged one shoulder, said "thanks" and then turned back to his dad. That said, he's shy and tends to be very quiet around other adults until he warms up. He used to be more chatty with me. Never super warm or affectionate at all, but talkative. It's just in the last several months he's gone silent. That's why I wonder if it was the incident on vacation or if there's something that's changed about me that's brought it on. Maybe I'm giving off negative vibes without realizing it. I know his uncommunicativeness is making me feel more distant and detatched and at times uncomfortable.
But that's part of why I enjoy doing stuff for/with my sisters' kids. I get lots of thanks, appreciation and affection from them so I know they enjoy it and it makes it very rewarding. If they reacted like SS does, I wouldn't have been doing the birthday treat tradition for so long.
Probably something DH and I should discuss more. I know DH notices. But I don't want to create more trouble by him forcing the kid to talk to me. That doesn't work.
Stepparenting is a lot like
Stepparenting is a lot like renting. You know you are throwing money into something that is benefitting someone else long-term, but the rental meets your needs, and you renting meets the landlord's.
Some tenants like asking to do extras to their rental, and the landlord allows it. So the tenant, knowing there is zero guarantee that they'll see any return on that investment, will paint and put in new light fixtures or hang a new door. Heck, they might even off to do some actual reno work because they like/want it.
Some tenants want the luxury of having a rental and not having to worry about anything. Sure, they CAN change a lightbulb, but why invest in something that there is no return in?
The landlord is the owner of the property and has to be the one to set boundaries, but doesn't have the right to be upset that the tenant doesn't value the property the same as they do. The tenant is guaranteed NOTHING in this deal outside what is stipulated in the lease, and it's unfair for a landlord to expect more from a tenant than what has been agreed upon. A landlord cannot get mad if they say they will change the lightbulb but then actually has to change it because the tenant agreed that lightbulb changing was the landlord's responsibility.
You can also rent a place and understand that, while you love many things about renting, that it isn't ideal. Just like property ownership isn't all it's cracked up to be. A property owner can't reasonably get mad if a tenant says "I like this a lot, but there are things I don't like" when the owner says the exact same thing. Sure, the renter CAN move out, but is it worth moving because you'd prefer the walls were gray instead of white and the carpet was actually hardwood? Especially if the rent is reasonable, the place is huge, close to work, cool landlord, etc?
But I will say this to the renter: the landlord isn't probably the best person to complain to about things that they like about the property that don't impact the renter. Yes, when the roof leaks or the heater goes out, express those concerns. But complaining about their paint choice is only going to irritate them because they LOVE their property. They have invested much time, money, and energy into it, and even if it isn't perfect, it's theirs. And they feel confident that renting it out to someone means that person will care for it in a way that honors that hard work. They shouldn't expect the same devotion, but they should expect a tenant to keep it clean and neat.
That's why it's best for renters to find online forums of other rents to share their frustrations and seek advice versus always turning to their landlord who doesn't see it the same way the renter does.
That's a really great analogy
That's a really great analogy! Thank you!
And, yes, complaining to the "owner" isn't the smart thing to do. And I don't do that, really. I'll mention it if I see a problem (which he's asked me to do and I must communicate that well because he's never gotten upset about that) but otherwise I keep my thoughts to myself. That's what forums and out-of-state friends are for.