Getting SS to move out!
SS19 is a lovely, friendly, smart individual, when he's not in my house. With me, he is mono-syllabic, stalks around the house, leaves his shit out, doesn't talk in the car (sits with his phone glued to his eyeballs), and is generally a terrible housemate.
I'm sick of this. I grew up with a father that was like that. I hated it. The energy is toxic and as a result I have a "he's going to say something f***ing moronic" attitude whenever he opens his mouth. And then we bounce off each other in this negative way. I can't kick him out because he's at uni and its just unaffordable for him to move out. But I've had enough. A person of that age and of that education and upbringing, has got no excuse to be that unpleasant to live with. (at least my dad was actually socially inept and abused).
He's such a disappointment in so many ways, and yet the things he is good at he never sticks with (another disappointment). I'm sick of his presence draining me of the emotional freedom I should be able to have in my house!! Hubby will talk to him (which could be effective and teach him how his actions make people perceive him) but its an inherent trait and its not something I have much tolerance for because of my past.
I was questioning whether or not to have my own children and I'm leaning towards having them because then I might actually get something for all this work I've put in to SS and SD.
Any thoughts, advice, similar grumblings?
Hi there, I feel for you
Hi there, I feel for you having a similar feckless SS22. Put more hope in your DH having an effect on him, after all your DH is clearly not such a person therefore this behavior doesn't have to be inherent necessarily, or can be modified. Put more energy into arranging things so that he has a strategy ready for employment/training/accommodation when he leaves this course, work on these positives with your DH so that you can inject some optimism into the situation. Present it as gaining your SS independence and responsibility.
In your shoes I would not relate this to your dad. These are 2 different people. You were under your dad's authority and clearly it was a heavy yoke. Make sure to see yourself as in authority over SS so that the relationship does not feel similar for structural reasons. Whenever you think of his name in your head, mentally insert "poor" before it, it was a trick my mom taught me for reducing the feeling of helpless aggression to enemies and it works.
I would also not relate it to your dad publicly in your conversations with your DH. Should you two ever come to difficulties about this he will use that to throw in your face and claim it is all your problem, nothing to do with the behavior of SS.
You need to uncouple any wish/plan to have kids from a sense of wanting compensation for helping with your DH's kids. That's not a good basis for having them and if you continue with those thoughts you will bring a lot of baggage to your relationship with your own children that will be a burden to you both.
Hi Esmeralda, you have my
Hi Esmeralda, you have my sympathies and admiration too, for having your skid live with you as they go to Uni. I would never have agreed to that with my sd24. Going to Uni is not a green card to do nothing else, especially with the long holidays they get, does your ss work a Summer job? How much longer does he have? I would really work on the what happens after Uni, and get a plan set down or you could find yourself lumbered with him while he ''looks" for work. ( my younger skid is doing this now. Not living with us, but was with BM)
Do you and DH have plans for the future, after ss finishes education? A lot of people downsize their homes or move away slightly, I know it sounds drastic, but it works. Where is BM, or BM's family ? Are they available, maybe he could live with a family member in a different area, while working or looking for work?
With me, I struggled with my lazy entitled skids, both myself AND DH have worked jobs since 15. When I saw no one was going to push the skids, I knew I had to have several back up plans ready and get DH on board. In fact, it ended up being very lucky for me as we moved far away. I have no doubt in my mind, that if we had stayed put, I would have had all the problems you have.
Lol!!! Oh yes. I lived
Lol!!!
Oh yes. I lived this with my SS when he was in his teens. We resolved it by forcing him to turn off or put away his phone in the car with his mom and I, forcing him to engage with us when we were all home together telling us about his day in detail (we did the same). We did not tolerate the sullen teen bullshit.
The internet router was in the Smart House box in our MBR closet. We owned the electrons and we shut them down when the Skid failed to comply with the respect and interface standards he knew were inviolable. We provided and paid for his cell phone, we could suspend his service.... and we did. No cell phone, no internet, no cable TV makes for one very good message when a teen is being a snarky idiot.
When he turned 18 and chose to not go to college we turned him in to our beck and call boy/chore bitch. We worked thar kids ass off doing anything and everything we wanted done around the house then doing it over and over again until it was done to our satisfaction. He finally joined the USAF and shipped off to BMT after 7mos of being our chore bitch.
Set clear behavioral and respect standards for your Skids and hold them and DH to them. They have a choice. Engage respectfully or GTFO. Particularly SS-19.
As for bio-kids.... go for it. If you want them have them.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.