Wish I'd found this sooner
Oh my gosh, I'm so happy to have found you all! I don't know anyone IRL in my situation, and it's great to hear from others who are dealing with some of the same stuff.
Quick info about me - not married, but have been with BF for 5 years, living together for 1 yr. We have SD14 and SD11 half the time. No plans for more kids. Just lots more pets. They are so much easier and they don't talk back. 
BF has major guilt and treats the girls like they are the most fragile beings on earth. They have learned to be very manipulative and are entitled, spoiled brats. Anytime I suggest stricter parenting or less over-indulging, I'm told that I'm too harsh and just don't understand because I'm not a parent. We're not hurting for money, but still, spoiling them is not good parenting. I'm worried that we're raising kids who will never survive on their own because they never have to do anything for themselves and they're never told no. I need them to go to college when they finish HS and not come back to live with us as adults ... I can't handle this any longer than necessary!
I feel so guilty saying this, but I am so unhappy when the kids are at our house. Before we bought our house and moved in together, I thought I wanted kids of my own. One week into living with BF's kids, I was like "no way, I want no more of these in my house."
Anyway ... hi. And I look forward to more chatting, learning from you all, and trying to get better at managing my home life.
Welcome,
Welcome,
I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute and to pick up some useful advice and perspctive from others who are living the blended family adventure.
You are way ahead of the curve IMHO. Many people in relationships with prior relationship breeders never gain clarity to not procreate with the proven failed parents they are with.
Good luck and take care of you.
Thanks!
Thanks!
I'm not sure I'm ready to say he's a failing parent. I mean, the kids are highly successful in school. He gives them all kinds of opportunities to learn and grow outside of school through sports and other extra curriculars. They're not total screw ups. They're just spoiled and ungrateful with no concept of the privileged lives they lead. His fault is that he can't say no, and he does it in part because their mom also doesn't say no. He feels like he has to give them what they want or they'll be mad at him and not want to spend time at our house because they'll want to go to their mom's where they get whatever they want.
This sounds like a dumb question, but how what's the best way to start setting limits or start saying no to middle school age kids who aren't used to hearing that?
If there is a visitation CO
If there is a visitation CO they don't have a choice on whether or not they visit dad. That needs to be a message that is delivered to them clearly IMHO. I am a fan of immediate cold turkey when it comes to the implementation of standards of reasonable behavior and performance for kids in a home.
Kids don't get a say. They do what the are told or they experience escalating age appropriate consequences for their choice to violate those standards.
Keep it simple. Enforce the rules.
I guess we first need to
I guess we first need to decide what the rules are, because there aren't currently any rules. There are no set expectations for them. They are sometimes asked to help with chores, but it's not consistent, and honestly, it happens rarely. Laying down the rules needs to come before determining what any consequences might be for not following them.
I've heard the same words, I
I've heard the same words, I'm too harsh, too authoritative, too strict, not a parent so I don't get it, etc., etc.
That used to bother me, but if he says it now, and it doesn't happen often, I don't care really. He did recently tell me that I'm not a COD (child of divorce) so I'll never understand. I just said that oh, so I'm not a human being and deserve basic respect from whomever it is, EXCEPT for a kid that's gone through divorced parents? Yeah, that did not go well for him and he stopped talking quick, "I shouldn't have said that should I?" Um, no.
You can read my blogs. About missing things, no privacy, no chores/rules, money issues, no "parenting" per se, locks on doors and cabinets, food issues, clothing issues the GAMUT. SDs were 7 & 9 when I met them and now they are 13.5 & 15.5. But I'm still here and still love DH even though I want to wring his neck sometimes. 1) Disengage - this means money too 2) learn how to talk with him without anger or too much emotion 3) learn when NOT to say a freaking thing and 4) learn the language of talking to a Disney Dad.
Read this site, read about the experiences and results and scenarlos. It's all here and you can learn and apply it to your situation as needed.