HI all, Im new here, been up all night looking forhelp.Im 40 yo woman, never married, no kids. Ive worked with at risk youth for years (though i dont anymore), and have mentored teen girls...but he sees no value for me having any opinion to share about how he isnt maintaing boundaries w his daughter. BM tried to take full custody, more money, she drinks a lot (drunk most nights so when SD is out past curfew and wont respond dad goes and picks up the BM and drives around looking for SD). Ive aske dto go to therapy, he thinks i just want the therapist to side with me and shame him. Ive asked him to sit the three of us down and set perameters for respect with her, he tells me i need to sort it out just with SD without him. He wont marry me, but he moved me in with him after 3 months of dating, and im the first woman SD has ever seen him date formally- starting when she was turning 16. Guilty daddy gives her a truck! pays for everything! buys her everything! shames me for wanting to turn off the tv and have a real dinner with SD; answers the questions i ask her directly; sets expectations and doesnt follow through...
Now SD is telling me thrugh her parents that she doesnt want me parenting her. so far ive only ever asked her to cover her cough while she was cooking dinner last week- dad said nothing- she did nothing and went on coughing. i asked again. now im paying for that one, she "doesnt want to come to our houe bc i make her so uncompfrtable." meanwhile shes lying about where she is and who shes with, breaking curfew with her truck (which is now revoked by dad thank god, well see how long that lasts), not answering texts, lying to my face... and dad thinks the problem is me. he tells me i need to check my attitude with her- and yes, im frustrated. i stay pretty much out of their time together at this point, bc she makes it so uncomfortable by not talking, mumbling, being disrespectful and cold.i think shes manipukative and nasty, full truth. i dont like her. her BM put her on antidepressants just before we went on vacation together last year- that wasa mess. i asked not to come and he insisted, it was a mess. now SD is bringing the conflict back up from then too- when she walked into our rrom without knocking, while i was naked in bed- and stood in the bedroom hugging her dad for 4 minutes. i was floored- dad said nothing about boundaries, and i lost my shit. i started to wonder if there were weird things going on in the family. now i dont think so, but he treats us both the same in some ways...and im not his daughter wtf

but when i try to distance myself, say nothing, not engage in her games, he gets mad and says im being childish. when i do ask questions he intervenes bc he cant stand SD to be uncomfortable. when i weigh in that shes lying- and then it turns out every time that im right- he wants to brush it off and tells me i need to be more relaxed. when SD sends the message through BM that she doesnt like being here, he makes it about me. why is this all about me, and is this what i have to look forward to forever? Ive tried to give him info to read but he feels like im oneupping him. i ask for therapy but he wont go. i feel that SD is on the fast track to not going to college. we live on a small island so theres shit for work here, so her rich daddy will just pay for her life here- and im scared its going to be with us. BM had her when she was 20, and he lived with her and her mom and stepdad up until 5 years ago. so its likely SD will do the same thing. if i leave him ill have to start all over, as i lost all the money i had in a bad investment, and although i have no debt, this place is really expensive and i wont afford to live here. i dont want to break up, i love this man and waited my whole life to finally have a relationship with an honest man, but i also feel he will never hear how this is for me, and will alwyas take his daughters side. ive also noted that if we were married she would at least have reason to take this more seriously and respect me, but hes so shell shocked form what BM did to him that he doesnt want to marry me or anyone ever. 

wasting my time?