Messy teenagers
I have been living with my amazing boyfriend for 2 years now. We have his daughter (almost 13) every other week. The daughter and I have always gotten along. I sometimes do things with her (take her for ice cream, coffee, etc). My boyfriend and I have always had an arrangement, he makes the money, I take care of the house (laundry, groceries, cleaning, pick up the kid, etc). I have never hdd to worry financially, And it works out pretty well for the both of us.I do have my own business on the side, So it allows me to be flexible and work from wherever and whenever I choose. I feel very lucky and grateful to have a guy who takes care of me the way he does, I dont have to work at all if I dont want to, But I like having my own independence and a cusion if things ever go south. He's very hapy with this arrangement. I make sure he and his daughter have everything they need.I feel like there is something wrong with me because there is an issue that just irks me (and i feel so guilty for feeling this way cause my life is pretty easy right, compared to most). I dont hate his daughter, but I absolutley DREAD her being here, We used to all share an apartment, until about 6 months ago, we moved into his house he has owned for 20 years (the house his daughter has grown up in, the mom finallty moved out) I feel like an outsider, This girl has always been messy, but its even worse now. I understand that since i dont contirbute financially to this relationship, It is in fact, my job to cook, clean and take care of everything else, which i dont mind. But its getting to the point where I cringe, when i wake up in the morning and have to pick up her dirty socks, dishes that have been left out by her, stuff like that. Shes constantly leaving dirty dishes everwhere, stays up all hours of the night blaring south park, and gets an attitde when shes asked to do something as simple as feed the dogs. I guess the thing that frustrates me about it is the fact that she will call her dad while hes working and say she needs to be picked up "right now" or go somewhere "right now" or we need to take her boyfriend home "right now". (She has a boyfriend who is two years older, he comes over on the weekends and her dad allows them to go into her bedroom and close the door, which i find totally inappropriate, but shes not my kid). When this happens im so uncomfortable i cant stand being in the house. I just feel like when the kid is here, she rules the roost. I know my boyfriend wants to have a relationship with his daughter, but him trying to be disney dad is really annoying. He complains about the stuff she does when shes gone, but when shes here its a different story. We are constantly her taxi, he allows her to do things her mom wont, and im pretty sure if she knew shed be pissed. She doesnt say thank you, wont lift a finger toeven pick up a mess she made, (her rooms a mess too, but its her space.) I feel bad for venting, and since i dont work very much its my job to take care of things, but i think an almost 13 year old is old enough to know to pickup after herself. Especially since her dad lets her do adult things. Ive tried talking to him about it, but he thinks I have nothing to bitch about because i dont have to work and he provides everything i need. I get that, and am grateful for him, but also aggrivated that he doesnt dicipline his child whatsoever. My life is pretty good, but for some reason this issue is making my blood boil. Am i just being a bitch? How can I change my outlook to a more positive one? I feel like such an asshole, but this issue really bothers me, constantly. I dont have any kids of my own, so I dont know the first thing about raising them (and frankly, i dont want to). But i do want to have a good relationship with her, and i love her dad dearly. I just need to vent. I could go on and on, but i think you get the idea. I am sure i will recieve some backlash for this post, but i dont know where else to go with this. This is driving me crazy. It just annoys me that he does everything for her, (or has me do it) and she takes advantage of it. I feel like shes old enough to take some responsibility.
Um.
Um.
It's not about whose 'job' or 'chore' it is to clean the house. It's about teaching a child basic responsibility and self-discipline. Just because you're the one running the home doesn't mean that you, personally, have to do everything. That's absurd and is not what the expectation would be in a healthy intact family dynamic.
Look. My dad was a highly-paid attorney and my mom was a stay-at-home mom whose 'job' it was to manage the house. You know what that meant. It meant she was the CEO of our house...an equal with my dad who ruled the home. That did NOT mean that she had to do everything around the house and became the scullery maid to her 6 kids. My dad would have worn our hineys out if we EVER dared to treat her that way. Because she ran the home...she got to boss us around. She managed the budgeting and bill pay, assigned chores, assigned us nights to help in the kitchen and nights to help clear up after dinner...etc.
I think you're feeling angry and resentful because you're being disrespected. Most women, when they offer to be the manager of the home are offering to run the home like a CEO...an equal partner to their spouse just in a different sphere. They're not signing up to be the slave to their husband and their kids...let alone being the slave to someone else's kid. That's just so ridiculous I don't even know where to begin.
If I were you, I'd lay the case out to your boyfriend. Either you're an equal adult in the home whose job it is to manage the home how YOU see fit (aka - you can assign chores to the kid or insist your BF assign the chores) or you walk. You're not going to sign up for a lifetime of picking up after and playing second fiddle to a kid.
Follow-up question.
Follow-up question.
Does your BF expect you to follow him around picking up after him? Like...would he think it was rude and uncalled for to always expect you to take his dirty socks to the wash after he took them off while watching TV? If he wouldn't expect it for himself...why would he expect it for his daughter? That makes no sense.
In a normal, well-funcitoning household, everyone is supposed to clean up their own messes and be somewhat responsible for their own things, particularly in the common area. YSD went through a messy phase where she would just leave little piles of her crap everywhere. I called them "YSD Droppings" and would sometimes yell down to her: "YSD! Come gather up your droppings!"
Not in a mean way...in a jokey way. She always laughed and said: "I know, I know! I leave droppings!"
This level of interaction / requirement isn't even a CHORE or parenting...it's just the basics of living in a house with other people. It's not like you're even expecting her to contribute to the household (which I think children should absolutely do)...you're just wanting her to not be a selfish a** who makes life gross for everyone else living there. If your BF can't even get on board with teaching her that much self-care and responsibility, I'm afraid you're sunk.
Two things and then I'm out. When we were little, my mom was great about chore management. She did 2 things that really stuck with me:
1. Every Saturday we got a "Ticket to Freedom" -- i.e. a 3x5" card with a list of 4-5 chores and a little box for a check mark next to each one. We had to find her or dad when we were done with a chore and get that check mark...and we had to get ALL the check marks before we were allowed to do anything else. She always said that she didn't care if we took 1 hour to do the chores or if we whined and took all day or even the next day...but we weren't doing anything else that weekend until the card was done. On the chore side of the card, she wrote RESPONSIBILITY in all caps and on the blank side she wrote FREEDOM...and she often told us that freedom and responsibility are flip sides of the same card. You can't get the freedom/opportunity without taking on the responsibility.
2. If we even whined that she was 'making us her slaves' or 'using us to get her chores done' (lol...her chores. The idiotic things kids say) she would respond: "I'm not using you to get the work done. I'm using the work to get you done." That really, really made an impact on me.
Anyway. Your BF is well on his way to raising a hapless, hopeless, helpless princess who has no self-esteem because she doesn't know how to do anything for herself. A little laundry and a couple nights to be responsible for dinner would do her a world of good.
You will have to discuss it
You will have to discuss it with your SO and hopefully he will be receptive. Do you think he thinks this is ok and expects this from you?
If he agrees and changes are implemented expect major push back from SD. She has been allowed to carry on like this for this long and she will see it as your fault.
Can you live like this for at least the next 5 years?
It is YOUR home. You and your
It is YOUR home. You and your SO are the adults. So... set the standards of behavior that YOU require in YOUR home and hlld the kid(s) to those standards in an age appropriate manner.
While your SO may be fine with pimping his daughter out to her BF in the house... if you aren't then put your foot down and hold the Skid, her BF and your SO to the standards you require. The partner with the highest standards gets the say.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.