Vent: Tired of being the STEP mother
I just need to vent. I have been having HUGE second thoughts on happiness in my relationship with my husband all due to the stupid-ness of being a step parent. I get so tired of hearing from his son how wonderful his mother is. She abandoned him and his brother while DH was deployed, has no job, lives on welfare, does not a pay a cent in child support...and yet...gets praised as mother-of-the-year.
Step son's 18th birthday is coming up in a few weeks. His mother called DH to say she wanted to do something for him for his birthday and asked him if he wanted to do this indoor trampoline thing for his birthday. We asked step-son if he wanted to do something special for his birthday and he said he wanted to have a couple friends over since his mom was doing this trampoline thing. So, she emailed us COUPONS that she got for free to this indoor trampoline thing. She's not paying for it...she's giving up coupons. Then when I was upset that she was expecting US to foot the bill for HER birthday "gift", DH brought up that she was trying to do something nice for his birthday and the bottom line should be his happiness not who paid for or got credit for what.
I am SO TIRED of feeling discounted. I try to do what I think is right - to take care of his son and provide for him. It's so frustrating to constantly be reminded that I'm NOT a "REAL" mother. SS wanted senior pictures for school, so I arranged for him to have some done today, and I HATE, HATE, HATE when someone asks "Does you mom..." and he cuts them off the correct them "OH NO, that's my STEP mother." -- I just want to shout "NO, I'm not his real mom...I'm just the woman who puts a roof over his head, food in his mouth, pays for school, allowance, lunches, gas, transportation, clothing, and anything else he needs" Why put myself out there for this kid? Why bend over backwards freaking out about how DH's ex impacts us? I just want to shout "YOU WIN" I give up!!! We'll pay for the trampoline...I pay for everything else, why not?! GAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
See, I am a financial
See, I am a financial bitch.
I would be calling BM right in front of the kid saying "Oops, we got the coupons in the mail... you must have forgotten to put the check in the envelope too. Can you toss that in the mail today and we will make reservations when we get the check from you."
The kid is 18. High time he realizes his mother does not pay to support him at all and way too old for daddy to pay for a gift for his worthless mother so fee fees dont get hurt.
I am with you 100%! Tell her
I am with you 100%! Tell her to step it up..esp since the SS has an attitude with you...and his is 18... tell him to get a job and help pay for that...
One of the best ways to
One of the best ways to overcome the frustration, hurt and resentment in situations like this is to disengage. Since you receive no acknowledgement from your ss or dh and it frustrates you, suggest you stop doing things for this kid
Your ss already has two parents, let them parent him. If his mother is a crappy one, well then about time ss figured it out on his own
I spent years falling over backwards doing so much for my H's dd's only to be treated with total disrespect. I literally remember one day when dh's now grown-up adult daughters were over for dinner as they regularly were and I was running around cooking all their favorite dishes as always, I was literally bending over the oven removing a tray of H's eldest dd's favorite appetizers only to have her say to her so loud and clear enough for me to hear "my step-parents have never done anything for me" I was tempted to throw that tray of hot appetizers at her and walk out the door....instead I silently thanked her as that was the last time I lifted a finger to cook her ungrateful, sarcastic, button-pushing ass anything
While this incident was minor, there were so many nasty, ungrateful, entitled things she said and did never showing an ounce of appreciation that I simply stopped doing anything for her
Best decision I ever made! I no longer feel any resentment as I don't even think about her any longer let alone cater to her
It wasn't about getting back at her, it was about looking after me. But the strange bonus reaction actually came from ysd. When I received attitude from her (as a teenager) and lack of appreciation, respect, etc... and I disengaged from her too she surprised me by growing up and starting to voice the value I held for her. Ysd realized what she was losing - and could clearly see what her older sister lost - and she didn't want that.
I didn't expect that turn-around from ysd but she has grown into a wonderfully loving, respectful sd who shows appreciation for things as she once said she knows as her step mom, it was my CHOICE to do this - and that made it all the more special to her
Whether your ss reacts like my H's eldest dd or like my ysd, either way detachment may really help you cope with those feelings....