Too Much Skid Time - How To Deal?
So...it's been a while since I've posted. Things are...meh.
Quick background. Skids are now SD20, SS18, SD16. In general, we get along. Not my favorite people in the world, but the skids are fine.
My issue is the older two skids. My DH is spending SO much time with them lately, and it's really starting to bother me. I thought when they got older, they would move away, go to school...not have time for their dad as much. Instead, the oldest one is doing online classes at a nearby community college and SS18 isn't going to college yet...getting some work experience in DH's field, first.
Pretty much every day this week, SS18 has come over to work with DH on some project. Even yesterday, which is my day off work...so I left and had lunch with my sister because I'm tired of it. Meanwhile, SD20 has quit driving for a few months until her insurance rates go back down from a wreck she had almost 3 years ago and is constantly calling to ask her dad for rides to work / school (she's online mostly but has to go in for testing or to give a speech from time-to-time).
I probably wouldn't care so much except that 1.) DH works from home and his business has been in a year-long slump. I've been shouldering almost all financial responsibility for the household for the past 12 months. So now I feel like I go away to work and pay the bills while DH has his kids over to our house or carts them around on my dime. And 2.) This is all going on during the work day...which means they're interrupting his work and ability to make a living, such as it is. DH complains all the time that people don't treat him "like he has a real job" because he works from home...but then he lets his own kids do it.
What would you ladies do? Fully separate finances and tell DH he's on his own? I think that would (necessarily) cut down on skid visits almost instantly. Our finances are separated, but that doesn't end up doing much good when I'm the only one contributing to the household account every month. DH has made enough to cover business expenses, pay his CS every month, and have some money for personal items...so he's not totally broke. But when it comes to contributing to household expenses, he was able to do so through March (so three months) and then contribute a little this fall. That's it. I've paid every bill and all groceries and other household expenses for the other 8-9 months of 2016...and then my half or more than half for the months he did contribute.
Advice?
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Comments
oh hell NO.... stop paying
oh hell NO.... stop paying the bills, simply tell DH you've been doing it for months now it's his turn.
You do not buy any groceries, if there's nothing to eat or drink in the house so be it....
you can always eat before going home.......
but you stop paying immediately, if DH moans about it tell him, guess you have to start working or find a job, cause your hobby is not bringing in any money
DH's family is crazy wealthy.
DH's family is crazy wealthy. I think this is why he feels free to take "risks" -- because, ultimately, they really aren't risks for him.
I like to save and be completely independent...plus, for all I know, DH's parents have set up the money in a trust for their grandkids (I mean...I know that DH and his sister will inherit, because they've told us so...but don't know the particulars and don't want to rely on money that isn't mine). When DH has money / is doing well, he is incredibly generous with me...so I'm sure that he's just thinking that he'll make all of this up to me eventually when he inherits, whether or not his business makes it. But I don't like that...don't want to count on that. I feel like the only person's future he's risking is mine...not his, not his kids. He doesn't see this.
Right...exactly. There are
Right...exactly. There are 101 scenarios where that money (which isn't mine and I don't expect) would bypass me altogether. And I'm covering all cash flow NOW...money that I could be saving, investing, and earning interest on for the future...so it's not just what I'm putting into the household but how that affects my ability to grow my wealth over time.
I agree with Acra. Stop
I agree with Acra. Stop paying his share of the bills!
I already told my SO, I wasn't carrying him. I did it once for 18 months. At first, he needed the help but it became an expectation. When he started to spend on "extras" for his kids, but not contribute to the bills and groceries, and I told him never again! EVER!
Recently I told him if he allows BM's perceived obligations for the adult skids (and BM herself) to interfere with his financial obligations here. He's out....Gone....Good bye!
I will not financially support him just so that his adult kids and ex can have an easier life! I may as well hand them my pay cheque each month, if that happens!
He didn't like hearing it, but tough. My kids didn't continue to suck the hind tit after they were weened and I will not allow someone else to start suckling either!
This is a tough one. You
This is a tough one. You don't necessarily want to attack the issue from the point of view that he spends "too much time with his kids". I think the best tactic is having a serious sit down about household finances.
You can tell him that you have been carrying the majority of the financial burden in the home and that you both need to figure out a way that it can be more fairly shared going forward. Have a breakdown of all the bills and ask him what he thinks needs to happen with his business for him to be able to fully contribute his share. You can also ask for his input on how to collectively lower the bills.
You can potentially use the workday time he spends with his kids as an example of something that you see as possibly hindering his efforts to make money.
lol. If you knew my OSD you
lol.
If you knew my OSD you would not be astounded. She used to be evil incarnate. She's much better now...and it's actually kind of nice that she's calling DH for anything. Partly why he hops to, I imagine. We had thought we wouldn't have any relationship with her at all after she aged out, but she's become almost human now...
Yeah - you're all correct on
Yeah - you're all correct on this. I need to lay down the law. It's just so difficult for me. I genuinely enjoy working and like being generous...but I also like to feel like it's my choice and not forced on me by default...or just assumed.
A few more things to consider:
1.) Until this year, DH and I worked together getting his business off the ground. I always, also, had a part time job to get us through the lean times while he devoted 100% of his time to the business...which has fluctuated from year to year. This year has been the longest ever "dip" that we've had. I still help from time to time, as I am able...but I am focusing more on my own career and my own needs now, mostly out of necessity. I do feel like his business is still able to grow and to support at least him and his kids if not all of us eventually...but the realities of day-to-day expenses and cash flow issues had to take precedence, in my mind, for a while.
2.) I feel bad giving him an ultimatum because I fully supported him going into this and encouraged him to do it. He has now been out of the traditional job market for 8 years, so I know it will be hard for him to re-enter if we decide to let the business go. It will also be difficult on him emotionally...death of a vision kind of thing.
3.) My DH is a very hard worker, so I don't feel like I'm supporting him while he "does nothing" -- he works harder than anyone I know. However, he is not always (or..not ever?) realistic about finances, no matter how much we talk about it. Somehow, any discussion of saving or earning money turns into a conversation about ways we need to be spending more money...on the house, the kids, the business, etc. Just this week, we started a conversation about cutting back a little before Christmas to be ready for the inevitable expenses...and it somehow turned into a discussion about how to get a few things fixed up around the house and we scheduled pressure washing and a gas line / gas log / fireplace cleaning for next week. I honestly don't know how this happens.
4.) DH's parents are incredibly wealthy. Super, super wealthy...which I think is partly why DH feels so free to "pursue his dreams" so to speak. Also, they like to dote on their grandkids. This increases my resentment, as I feel like I am working my @SS off to help support children who are handed everything. A (used) car at 16, trips, crazy amounts of Christmas presents, phones, a yearly shopping trip for new clothes...money on their birthdays. It's just insane. However, I have benefitted from his parents as well, directly & indirectly. For example, we bought the house we are living in from his parents for about 2/3 of what it's actually worth. Before that, we were living in it and paying low rent...and now we have no house payment. Part of me feels like this is in the back of DH's mind as some kind of justification for letting me be the financially responsible one. I.E. -- "She has no house payment...so surely she wouldn't mind if I bought this $20 thing using the household account..." And, in truth, I do feel petty when these small "extras" get under my skin...but they add up!
So...in this situation? Consider the paid-for house DH's "contribution" and suck it up? Or still lay down the law, especially on skid extras?
No the paid house is not DH's
No the paid house is not DH's only contribution, he needs to pay for the day to day living as well..
If you where not there - would DH buy groceries and pay the bills? Yes he would've he has no choice, this fact does not change because you are there...
The Grans spoiling the grand kids - nothing you can do about that