tired of being tired and angry
Hi all
I am new here but I am hoping to get stuff off my chest and see that I am not alone and maybe, just maybe I won't be so angry all the time. 4 years ago I married my husband. He has 2 kids from a prior marriage. 2 years ago the mom got into drugs and exposed th kids to lots of very horrifying things. The state took them from her and granted my husband full custody. All well and good right... wrong. My husband is in Iraq for 4 months at a time which leaves me as a full time essentially single mother to these kids. I have never wanted kids of my own so it has been very hard. I told myself that it was God's will to be there for the Kids. I came from. Bad childhood and felt like I needed to help them live a better more structured life.
They are good kids but they are kids. I have had to teach them the basics they never learned from their own mother. Brush your teeth, hygiene, table manners, you name they needed to.learn it. My issue is I feel like complete whit because if I could I would not do it anymore. I am tired of raising someone else's kids with little support other than financial.
How do I tell my husband he needs to be more involved? Let me rephrase that.. how do I get my husband more involved with raising HIS kids without losing my marriage?
whenever I tell him I am overwhelmed he tells me I am doing a good job and stop being hard on myself. He recently changed jobs and now he is in the same state. It's still 6 hrs away. He should be home every weekend but most of th time he stAys there days it to far to go to just turn around and go back. When he I here all he does is watch tv an play games. He is not even involved with them when he is him unless I plAn things. I feel bad for these kids cAuse mom is not fit and dad is absent..... so it's left to me.
I don't know what I am looking for from you all... mAybe I just needed to write it down because I feel alone and angry and really really depressed. I do not want to damage these kids anymore than they already are... so how do I get over the anger?
I really feel like I wrote
I really feel like I wrote this. I almost had to remember if I was drunk a little while ago and posted this. But I'm in an almost identical situation. My husband is in the military, his daughter's mom got into drugs early this year, and she'll be living with us in July. I feel the exact same way as you too, I made a very conscious choice to NOT have children, but she'll more or less be mine to raise full time. Whenever I explain to my husband that I don't think I'm mother material and don't look forward to raising his child, he looks at me like I'm a selfish, cold-hearted bitch. I hurt him whenever I express my feeling, but I hurt whenever I don't. In his mind, he'd love to spend 24/7 with her and seems to think that anyone else who doesn't must be crazy. She has developmental and behavioral problems and this is going to be my first foray into parenting. I can't think of a worse way to become a mom for the first time than to inherit a highly-dependent 9 year-old with developmental issues who has spent her whole life with an unstable mom and a dad who was never there, and every time I think about it, I feel like I'm drowning. I had goals and aspirations of my own of going to medical school, but because of his career, I'm expected to put my life on hold "for the good of the family." What about the "good of ME?" My husband says I should pursue my dreams, but I think we both know that I'll only be doing those whenever it's convenient for his career and his daughter's well-being.
Bottom line is, there is no easy answer and it sucks. If I had an answer for you, I'd share it in an instant, just like I'd hope you'd do the same for me. I also deeply want to get over my anger and resentment. I want for either one of her parents to stand up and parent her, but her mom decided to be a piece of garbage and her dad is too busy playing soldier. Like you, I also feel very badly for my step-daughter, because she didn't choose her parents and she didn't ask for this. But neither did I.
Holy fuck! Get out now,
Holy fuck! Get out now, don't raise this guys kid for him, and go to Med school! What are you THINKING????
So let's get this
So let's get this straight...your DH's expect you to make life alterating changes to YOUR lives (including careers changes) yet they continue merrily on their own paths without deviating?!!! :jawdrop:
How about they look at changing their careers (if possible - appreciate being in the military might be different or more difficult but aren't transfers possible?) and THEY take on this responsibility like they are supposed to as the parent and YOU can chip in any help when you can?!!!
Quite honestly, some of what I have heard is incredibly selfish. Watching tv and staying away on days when its unnecessary is a self centered thing to do, poor kid and poor you.
Thing is these kids NEED their father's, their mother's are absent and in trouble (which are old enough to realise) and they likely will have seen BM's spiral into addiction. While I think your own dedication to these skids is admirable, I do think your partners are wrong in dumping them on you, and or not listening to your fears without giving any support or suggestions of assistance (you know, like after school care, weekend camps, therapy, family help and babysitting...). When they ARE physically there, then they need to be doing for their children not only so the children have an interested hands on dad but also to give SM a break. If dad is really unable to change then jobs then they should be going allll out to ensure SM has a solid ear to vent to and that they put in place lots of supportive assistance i.e. mentioned above...
My response if they could change their job, would be: "Honey, you need to find a job which ensures you live at home (where reasonably possible) because our situation has changed and if you expect me to alter my life where its unrecognisable then you have another thing coming. Your child, YOUR duty. Your child needs YOU, not me. I will support and help out, but this is for YOU to take on, not me..."
Thank you for your input. I
Thank you for your input. I am going to try and do some reading, thanks for the book suggestion. because I stopped working when they came to live with us I am having a hard time getting a job now. Because of his new position we need more income but here I have found that I can't get back in the door and have had to settle with low level positions which just adds more stress both financially and emotionally.
I am also thinking about demanding we go to family counseling. My hope is that he will be able to see what an impact this situation is making on all of us. Because right now all he hears are my complaints. And although he thinks he is being supportive by saying hang in there, it will be better soon... it's not helping. Right now th kids are at their grandmother's for a couple weeks. He just keeps saying enjoy your quiet time. What I would really like is for him to come home so we can spend some time working this issue thru. Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary but as usual, I am here alone and he is hanging with his friends enjoying his weekend off.
I sorry to see other in th same position.
I would to say to the young lady heAded for medical school... go. Don't put this situation first. You have to move forward with your goals because i
f you don't you will resent them and after time your anger will be on so deep you will likely leave. But by the Time thAt hAppens it might be to late to complete YOUR dream of being a doctor.
I wish I had not allowed him to make me think that he and the kids are more important than me... but I made that mistake. I hope you can avoid it.
I can tell that you care
I can tell that you care about these kids. I think feeling what you do is normal. Pray for a better attitude. Being resentful just makes us miserable.