New and glad I found this site.
First I’d like to say how thankful I am that I had stumbled across this site. I am so relieved to know that I am not a bad person and others share the same feelings and thoughts.
I previously tried creating this but it appears to be gone, lol. So I am trying once again.
A little bit about myself –
I am 39, a professional and childless, by choice. All of my past relationships were with men that had kids, so this is not a new concept to me and I have never had any issues before now.
I was single for 4 years before I met my boyfriend, and he was single for the same amount of time.
Before we even got involved we had a huge discussion about our thoughts and feelings regarding him and his child. He explained that he picks up his son Friday nights and drops him home Sunday evenings. However, that could be adjusted at any time, if we had plans, etc. That I would be asked prior to being left alone with the kid and that I can always say no, if I felt that I wanted to have alone time.
Our schedules are opposite. I work 7:30 AM to 4 PM M-F and he works 3 PM – 1 AM and overtime on Saturdays. Basically the only time we have to spend together is the weekend.
We have been arguing a lot the past 6+ months and it seems like we are falling apart.
No matter what I say about his son, he takes offense and it turns into a fight. (one time the kid was sick and was in our bed on my side, of course the sheets weren’t changed or disinfected. I had said 3 days later that I was sick because of his son and whoa. All hell broke loose. No way just because his kid was sick, that it made me sick. I could’ve gotten it from anywhere!!)
This is what happens for EVERYTHING.
I am at my end.
This past weekend he went to get the kid on Saturday since the kid went to PR for 2 weeks (nice since the mother is on welfare and lives in a housing project, but that’s another story).
While he was out getting the kid, my sister came and we were watching tv. They come home and create chaos, so we decide to go outside on the back patio and relax. Well during that time, we found out my cousin had been murdered. The rest of the night is a blur. We were texting, calling family trying to figure out what was going on. I wasn’t paying attention to much else. Well this created an issue as I “ignored both my boyfriend and his kid”.
I am feeling lost, depressed, alone and tired. I love my boyfriend and we have an amazing time when the kid isn’t around (which isn’t often). I have come to the point I ignore the kid. I don’t want to be bothered or create more drama or issues.
I know I may have left some things out, so any questions, please feel free to ask. I look forward to your thoughts and opinions, however, please be nice. I am so stressed that I don’t know how much more I can handle. I came here not for negativity but for support.
I am so sorry for your
I am so sorry for your loss.
If BF thinks the world revolves around his kid (how old is the kid?) that probably will not change. I mean, if your cousin being murdered does not matter more than you paying attention to him and his precious kid, I don't know, that just doesn't sit well with me. He should have been more supportive of you.
Defensive parents, when they're defensive about everything (even factual things), are also most likely guilty parents and you cannot parent effectively from guilt.
Your BF needs to understand that it is HIS kid, not yours and you don't have to drop everything to pay attention to them when it's THEIR time together.
My husband wanted me to do more things with his daughter when she was young and sometimes I did but a lot of times I didn't. I just told him, "She's here to see and spend time with you, she has a mother, I'm not her." I was not mean to my SD but like you, I chose to not have kids and I meant it!
Thank you for your reply. The
Thank you for your reply.
The kid is now 10, he was 8 when we met. That is exactly what I had told him - its his time to spend together. His response was - We don't spend time during the week and you made no effort whatsoever to spend time with me.
Usually I avoid spending time with friends/family since we only have these 2 days together. He goes out to friends, family, plays basketball. Also that I cant give him the "I was letting him spend time with his kid crap".
He experienced a taste of his own medicine and apparently it didn't sit too well with him.
He sounds pretty selfish.
He sounds pretty selfish. Like I said, HE should be supportive of YOU in your time of need.
It must be rough losing
It must be rough losing someone like that.
Below I've created a link for you to follow to an article you should read and print out for your boyfriend so he'll know what you're doing to solve the arguing problem. If you fully implement this disengagement program you will have stepped back from his kid entirely leaving him to deal with his son for food or bad. Since you're not parenting his kid he has no reason for complaint.
As for staying with this guy he's the perfect guy you say except for having the kid. I'm not so sure about his judgment. My first reaction to your news would have been to take the kid back to his mother or perhaps to visit grandma for the weekend.
http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
I always labeled as being the
I always labeled as being the selfish one!!
It is sad that apart from this kid, he is a great guy. Totally different person.
I do not do anything for this kid anymore. I say hi and bye.
I do not cook, clean or anything. I am not an ass, if he speaks to me, I speak to him. But I DO NOT go out of my way to do anything for this kid. My boyfriend is fine with that concept. As long as I do not speak about the kid in any way shape or form.
Very sorry to hear about your
Very sorry to hear about your cousin.
Ok trotting out "the list"
1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)
2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?
3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habits, eating habits, bedtime habits?
4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)
5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?
6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?
7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern
8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?
9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?
10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?
11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.
12. Has dad said things to you like "you don't like my children" or "my children are UNCOMFORTABLE with you" or "you're a child hater" or "my children are afraid of you" or "my children don't like you?" This is code for you are able to see through the manipulation and the children don't like it. . . and frankly he doesn't like the fact that you can see through his children's manipulation either. He'd rather look the other way as opposed to actually parenting because he might "lose" his children to the (almost always) PASinator BM.