Mini-Wife Potential - How do I navigate this?
I have been dating a wonderful guy for 4 months. We are building this relationship. We connect on many levels and he is certianly one of the most mature and kind man that I have ever met. I was in a relationship/marriage for 17 years with a man that I've looked back and see I had a parent/child relationship with. I have done some deep digging in therapy.
At this point we are not married or living together. I have met his kids and we have done some fun things together. We get along well and there is no bad behavior at this time.
The background is he and his wife divorced 4 years ago and he has been most of the emotional support to the kids. According to him, his ex is very stoic and structured. She had lost her mother at age 11 and it was a taboo topic. He does not speak with bitterness or drama in discussing the situation. X is going to be marrying the boyfriend of 4 years - possibly had been cheating on him - this may. Kids do not like the fiance. Their divorce was amicable with joint custody of every other week and weekend with a switch to the other parent on each Tuesday. I have seen the commuincation between them where she drags the kids in to the conversation.
I see some hints of the mini wife here. Guilty dad syndrome. They are very affectionate - SS and SD and father. He had mentioned that the SD will come sleep in his bed with him. That set off an alarm for me when it was mentioned again and I asked further on how much this is happening, are you wearing shorts (he likes to sleep naked) . Through conversations I have determined that she sleeps in his bed 60% of the time she is there. She has her own room, painted the way she wanted with a nice bedroom setup. She does not sleep with her mother when she is at her place. There have been some other interactions that give me pause also.
I have researched the Mini-wife syndrome and it scares the Sh*t out of me. We had a conversation that I felt it was inapproporaite that SD sleep in the adults bed. Adult things happen in the adult bed. He has had the kids with a child conselor to navigate this time - the last time was 3 months ago. He had mentioned that the counselor said she would grow out of it. I told him she is 13, wearing makeup and menstrating, this is a boundary that you will need to manage. We have had some good conversations about this. Honest, and kind. I used alot of I statements - I cannot imagine what you are dealing with and how your heart must hurt that she does not have a good relationship with her mother.
I have indicated that I will not stay the night at his place is this is continuing. I am not comfortable with it.So even though they have been divorced for 4 years she has had him for much longer. I am the first serious girlfriend who has met the kids. Mom is marrying a person the kids do not like, there are lots of challenges here. He said he has discussed with the kids that he will want to find love again and marry. I indicated that it is easy to talk about it on a scientific level when there are no feelings or threats involved. It does not play out the same when it acutally happens. I also said that i was not interested in being a part of a triad. He agreed that you do not go into a relationship to be #2......which sounds good but I need to see the actions align.
I read about this issues with the stepmother side - I want to head it off before and build a united front. I am no interested in moving in and getting married to only have to head it off then. I want to see commitment on his side to set the structure and parenting boundaries. Suggestions here? I would appreciate it.
Dragonfly6
I think you're doing it right
I have known many people who still occasionally co sleep with a child of that age, and there is nothing disturbing going on, however, you have spoken up because YOU are uncomfortable with it, which is a perfect opportunity to see how he reacts when you have a concern with his parenting.
He can easily tell her that she's now too old to sleep with him, and they can come up with another bonding activity for the two of them to replace it.
If he doesn't- if he blows you off and continues the behavior, I'd move on. Not because he's definitely a perv, but because you have found out that he doesn't respond to your concerns, which is a clear indication of what life with him and his children will be like.
Thank you
I agree there is nothing disturbing or sexual here and that I am uncomfortable with it.
Your perspective is also spot on to guage his reaction also. I brought this up 3 weeks ago and we agreed to talk about it again last week on our road trip. We did and I can tell he is not seeing this as an issue for me. We discussed it further and he said he was going to talk to his daughter. That has not happened yet so apparently I have my answer.
You are setting the relationship up for success.
Stick to your position on this. If he will actually partner with you as an equity life partner, put you and the relationship as his top priority while the two of you make the kids the top relationship responsibility then there is every probability of long term success. Equity life partnership makes the partners equity parents to any children in the relationship home/mix. If one or the other of you can't commit to that... the odds of long term success are slim IMHO.
From your profile I see that you don't bring any BK's to this relationship. In many ways I think that makes the situation easier.
I am a BK-less StepDad myself. My amazing bride and I being able to make each other and our marriage our joint top priority while making SS our top marital responsibility has worked well for us. I made it a point to insist that I would be an equity parent to any children in our home regardless of kid biology. Not a difficult thing to get her to agree on as she was raised by her mom and StepDad. He was in the delivery room when she was born. Her BioDad was killed in a vehicle accident a few days before my MIL discovered she was pregnant.
We met when SS-25 was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. We had the perfect storm of low drama family blending with the exception of having to deal with the SpermClan.
But that is another story.
Good luck, I think you are doing the right things, and take care of you.
I commend you for being so
I commend you for being so prepared for this so early on. My SO and I discussed marriage and moving in together early on, but it was during the summer when FSD7 was away at summer camp, so I wasn't fully aware of what all I was getting into.
With that being said, I don't have much experience in the field yet, but I can tell you what I did. I demanded that my SO put me first. I explained to him that the best thing he can do for this daughter and her future relationships is to show her what a loving, caring, relationship looks like. For whatever reason he wasn't able to accomplish that with the BM, but it starts with putting eachother first above everyone else. I fought tooth and nail for it, and told him that if he doesn't want to put me first, then I won't put him first, and actively started making plans with family members and friends and pulling away. Eventually he got it. I let him know that someday in the not as distant of a future as it seems, FSD7 will be moved out (wishful thinking?), starting her own family, and he will have lost me because he refused to put me first. That seemed to resonate with him.
I'm not sure if your SO is religious, but the religious position worked well for me too. The bible states that God is first above all else, and next is a man's wife. A mans responsibilities are to provide basic needs to his children and raise them as servants of God, but his responsibilities to his wife go much further. On the flip side, the bible also states that the woman must serve God, and then her husband in that order, so if you're not providing the flip side support, it may be counterproductive and seem hypocritical to use this argument.
Best of luck to you!
Maybe
I think maybe you are putting too much thought into this right now. Yeah, he probably shouldn't be sleeping with a 13 year old daughter but that's a family choice. Are there any other behaviors that make you think mini wife? You've been dating for 4 months and haven't even slept over. It might be too soon to start demanding changes in his home or insisting on what his relationship should be with his daughter. If you make ultimatums like that now "do this or I won't do that", eventually you're going to be the loser. It sounds like he puts the kids first.
Just relax and enjoy his company when you are with him.
There was an incident
We were sitting on the couch watching a movie and she was pulling him over on top of her while looking at me. I ignored it but mentioned the situation to my boyfriend. Not judgemental in that I wonder if she is she is acting on how she feels. I have slept over when the kids are not there and he will also stay at my place. It is the dog and animal coordiation that becomes the challenge. I have 2 dogs, 1 cat, 2 horses and he has 2 dogs.
I do not see this as extreme yet, just the potential. She is a kind girl and very sweet. She was thrilled when I gave her and her brother some chocolate for valentines day and she was insisted that my boyfriend bring a slice of her strawberry chocolate cheesecake for me to try. We did go shopping all together when SD wanted to get a dress for the sympony. It was a great time looking at clothes, laughing. She would call her mother and talk to her brother. I kept it casual, no opinion, just asking what she liked and colors. We also were picking out clothes for my boyfriend as his kids have been wanting him to upgrade his wardrobe. It was very cute and fun. Kids are much more fashionable nowadays.