Just want to say hi and I need advice
Hi! I am so happy I found this place. I am 38 F and childfree by choice. I am married to 41 M and have 3 s-kids, SS15, SD11, and SD5 (all different BMs) we have been together for 4 years and married for 1 and I am still trying to navigate the whole step parent thing with multiple BMs. My husband is not on good terms with any of the BMs so I handle the communication and the pick ups and drop offs. We have absolutely no contact with SS15, which is absolutely fine with me (one less to deal with) we have both SD's every other weekend on the same weekend. SD5's mom is a lovely person and I absolutely adore her. She always tells me that I am amazing step mom and how much she appreciates everything my husband and I do for my SD. SD11's mom is a completely different story. She has called my husband a POS and absent father and has told me that I do nothing for my SD. SD11's CO is for every other Fri-Sun while she is in school and every other Wed night to Sun while she is on breaks. SD11's CO was done when she was a baby and has not been updated since. My husband's work schedule has changed and he now works all day Sundays. I offered to take SD11 to avoid court. The problem I have with SD11's mom is that she expects me to take her on Sundays even though I am under no obligation to do so. I also drop off her other daughter (who does not belong to my husband) she always gives me a hard time if something comes up and I can't take her or if I have to drop her off early. I will gladly take SD5 because her mother understands that I am under no obligation to take her and she never gives me a hard time about anything. Generally speaking, I don't like kids but all my SKs are good kids and I actually kind of like them but I do not love them by any means. I would be perfectly content if they didn't exist.
long story short, I am wondering if there is anyone in the same boat as me with multiple BMs to deal with and how I should go about dealing with SD11's mom
Oh.. my.. a guy with THREE
Oh.. my.. a guy with THREE baby mamas... goodness.
Can I ask some personal questions? Why would someone who made an intentional choice to not have children date and marry a man who has THREE and one that will be in the nest for the better part of the next decade of your life? A guy that has failed in his relationship with the first three women that he procreated with? To put it bluntly.. do you think he may have been the common denominator here?
My best advice to you is disengage and make HIM deal with all his kids and with his exes.. you should not have to be the one communicating and coordinating and negotiating with the ex'es. You should not be the one doing child care.. and transport.. not on any regular basis. They are HIS kids.. and he should be doing all these things.
Sure, sometimes stuff comes up and we pinch hit for our partners.. but doing their job/role as a parent.. I don't think it's a great plan.. and you are well set up to be the bad guy with the kids.. with his EXe's.. and chock your feet when he doesn't back you up either... which is very, very common in that type of situation.
Also, the lovely Ex.. well.. the first time her kid calls you MommySM or some sort.. you take her for a pedicure.. or some other activity and you have "stolen her right as a mother.. and if you want kids.. have your own.. you can't have hers".
Coming from the POV of marrying a guy with an ex who was super pleasant at first.. till she started to get jealous and bitter that her kids liked me... and because he and her had a bad relationship.. I tried to help with communications.. again.. stupid move on my part.. It didn't get better for me until I started refusing to put myself in the line of fire.. and made my DH do the dirty deeds.
Welcome to StepTalk, Childless!
You've written: I also drop off her other daughter (who does not belong to my husband) she always gives me a hard time if something comes up and I can't take her or if I have to drop her off early.
which leaves me a little confused. What do you mean by dropping off the 'other daughter'?
Hon, these are not your children and that fact should have been established from the get-go! It’s incumbent upon your DH to either change his Sunday work day or make adjustments to his custody order. His daughter is there to visit with her father, not you; both your DH and his unreasonable ex-wife are taking advantage of you and you had best put a stop to it until what is essentially a favour, becomes an obligation.
When a father dumps his paternal responsibilities for children from a previous relationship on a new wife, resentment is bound to ensue. It appears that you are already feeling the injustice of your situation and I can guarantee that it will only get worse. Time to have a come-to-Jesus discussion with your DH and let him know how you’re feeling.
Your DH needs to deal with his kids and his ex wives.
Your DH needs to deal with his kids and his ex wives. The more you are involved, the more difficult it is going to be for you. Visitation is for children to spend time with their Father. DH needs to either change his work schedule or his visitation schedule. SD should not be spending her Sundays with you - and it sounds like you look after her sister as well? No good will come from that. The moment something bad happens, you are going to be blamed for everything.
I hate to sound so negative, but it rarely works out for a SM who is as involved as you are. Your DH chose to have children with these women, so it is up to him to deal with them. And while I completely understand how his having no contact with SS15 is good for you, it it also good for your DH and his son?
I missed it the first read..
I missed it the first read.. that he doesn't have a relationship with his 15 yo son. ANOTHER red flag on this man. That is his minor child.. what could possibly be a legit reason for him to not keep up some kind of relationship? Is the kid a literal murderer? or just another kid poorly parented by him and his Ex? (one of many Exes?)
You are turning into the exes
You are turning into the exes' unpaid babysitter. Please stop that immediately. If your DH cannot be there to be with his daughters, then they should be with their mothers (the NCP is under no obligation to taker their visitation).
Visitation is for the child to be with their parent, NOT so they can be babysat by their SM thus giving their mother a day off! You have your own life!
Finally, SD11's mother says you don't do enough for her daughter? That is not your responsibility in the least. Taking care of her daughter is HER job, certainly not yours. Remind her of this, often.
Take your life back. Your husband is the one who should be dealing with his exes and who needs to find a way if fixing things WITHOUT involving you. He can either change shifts, change jobs, or change visitation. It's his call but this needs to be dealt with swiftly.