Just want to say hi and I need advice
Hi! I am so happy I found this place. I am 38 F and childfree by choice. I am married to 41 M and have 3 s-kids, SS15, SD11, and SD5 (all different BMs) we have been together for 4 years and married for 1 and I am still trying to navigate the whole step parent thing with multiple BMs. My husband is not on good terms with any of the BMs so I handle the communication and the pick ups and drop offs. We have absolutely no contact with SS15, which is absolutely fine with me (one less to deal with) we have both SD's every other weekend on the same weekend. SD5's mom is a lovely person and I absolutely adore her. She always tells me that I am amazing step mom and how much she appreciates everything my husband and I do for my SD. SD11's mom is a completely different story. She has called my husband a POS and absent father and has told me that I do nothing for my SD. SD11's CO is for every other Fri-Sun while she is in school and every other Wed night to Sun while she is on breaks. SD11's CO was done when she was a baby and has not been updated since. My husband's work schedule has changed and he now works all day Sundays. I offered to take SD11 to avoid court. The problem I have with SD11's mom is that she expects me to take her on Sundays even though I am under no obligation to do so. I also drop off her other daughter (who does not belong to my husband) she always gives me a hard time if something comes up and I can't take her or if I have to drop her off early. I will gladly take SD5 because her mother understands that I am under no obligation to take her and she never gives me a hard time about anything. Generally speaking, I don't like kids but all my SKs are good kids and I actually kind of like them but I do not love them by any means. I would be perfectly content if they didn't exist.
long story short, I am wondering if there is anyone in the same boat as me with multiple BMs to deal with and how I should go about dealing with SD11's mom
Oh.. my.. a guy with THREE
Oh.. my.. a guy with THREE baby mamas... goodness.
Can I ask some personal questions? Why would someone who made an intentional choice to not have children date and marry a man who has THREE and one that will be in the nest for the better part of the next decade of your life? A guy that has failed in his relationship with the first three women that he procreated with? To put it bluntly.. do you think he may have been the common denominator here?
My best advice to you is disengage and make HIM deal with all his kids and with his exes.. you should not have to be the one communicating and coordinating and negotiating with the ex'es. You should not be the one doing child care.. and transport.. not on any regular basis. They are HIS kids.. and he should be doing all these things.
Sure, sometimes stuff comes up and we pinch hit for our partners.. but doing their job/role as a parent.. I don't think it's a great plan.. and you are well set up to be the bad guy with the kids.. with his EXe's.. and chock your feet when he doesn't back you up either... which is very, very common in that type of situation.
Also, the lovely Ex.. well.. the first time her kid calls you MommySM or some sort.. you take her for a pedicure.. or some other activity and you have "stolen her right as a mother.. and if you want kids.. have your own.. you can't have hers".
Coming from the POV of marrying a guy with an ex who was super pleasant at first.. till she started to get jealous and bitter that her kids liked me... and because he and her had a bad relationship.. I tried to help with communications.. again.. stupid move on my part.. It didn't get better for me until I started refusing to put myself in the line of fire.. and made my DH do the dirty deeds.
Believe me, me and him was
Believe me, me and him was completely unintentional (he's not my typical type at all but you can't help who you fall in love with). He treats me better and with more respect than anyone I have ever been with and we are very happy together (I've never been happier in my life. He is absolutely worth all the crap I put up with) We were neighbors for years before we started dating so we knew all each others dirt before coming into anything. The fact that he has kids does not bother me. It would only be an issue if he wanted me to have kids with him, which he does not.
I need to clarify that he never put the communication and taking her on Sunday part on me (he actually warned me about SD11's mom but I'm the kind of person who will give someone the benefit of a doubt until they give me a problem personally) What ended up happening was 2 years ago both the BMs had some issue with him and contacted me on social media rather than taking it up with him and I've been handling it ever since.
as for SD5's mom, she is the one who refers to me as stepmom to her daughter. I also take her to the cat cafe when I have her (it's our thing) and her mom loves that I do that with her. She is also aware of my choice to remain childfree and is super supportive of that.
I don't like confrontation so confronting SD11's mom gives me anxiety but I know it will have to be done. My husband is 100% on my side and has told her that I am doing her a favor by taking SD
stupid question...what does DH stand for?
DH.. Dear Husband sometimes
DH.. Dear Husband sometimes also SO.. significant other.. can be used more generically.
HCBM (high conflict bio mom). GUBM (golden uterus bio mom)
Well.. we do have a saying
Well.. we do have a saying here that "love is not enough".. there can be some situations in steplife that pretty much make people undatable.. lol.
I'm glad you feel you have met the "one".. and I'm hoping you have done a bit of deep dive into why three of his prior relationships failed. I figure we are all good for one "oops".. but to get three means we probably are some part of the problem.. either we have some flaws.. or our flaw is picking completely terrible people (and as number four.. would that make me a bad choice haha?)
I say this as someone married to a guy that was married twice before me.. I'm also childless.. He only had kids with his 2nd wife.
While I somewhat give my DH a pass for his multiple marriages.. first was to his highschool/childhood sweetheart.. and it was something that neither was mature enough to be in. His 2nd relationship.. that's where the kids came from.. and he is right.. his EX.. IS unhinged (her two SD's will both agree.. haha even though they love her).. But.. I can also see some reasons why someone might have a hard time being married to my DH. He has an interesting work history.. lots of attempts at his own business (stressful).. and other times working in other states.. so being absent for long stretches... another stressful thing. He is kind, generous.. but also has his quirks and faults.. would not be for everyone.. but when we met .. it kind of fit. But, I can see some of the fault in both failed relationships was HIM.. it wasn't all those two other women.. though.. both had their fair share in it too. So.. to have someone try and not make it 3 times before me.. I would really want to understand in detail what happened.. and the parts that were his fault (some of it had to be... ).. that he did some growing and work to fix those things.
It is good he has your back.. and he should be the one to tell his ex that you are not her chauffer or babysitter..
Welcome to StepTalk, Childless!
You've written: I also drop off her other daughter (who does not belong to my husband) she always gives me a hard time if something comes up and I can't take her or if I have to drop her off early.
which leaves me a little confused. What do you mean by dropping off the 'other daughter'?
Hon, these are not your children and that fact should have been established from the get-go! It’s incumbent upon your DH to either change his Sunday work day or make adjustments to his custody order. His daughter is there to visit with her father, not you; both your DH and his unreasonable ex-wife are taking advantage of you and you had best put a stop to it until what is essentially a favour, becomes an obligation.
When a father dumps his paternal responsibilities for children from a previous relationship on a new wife, resentment is bound to ensue. It appears that you are already feeling the injustice of your situation and I can guarantee that it will only get worse. Time to have a come-to-Jesus discussion with your DH and let him know how you’re feeling.
So SD11's mom has 5 kids with
So SD11's mom has 5 kids with 4 dudes *shok* and the one I pick up is one of them. She doesn't stay with me, I just drop her off with my SD.
Just need to clarify that my husband never dumped anything on me and tried to warn me about SD11's mom but I am the type of person to give anyone the benefit of a doubt unless they do something to me personally. How it ended up happening was a couple of years ago they both had some kind of issue with my husband and rather than take it up with him they contacted me on social media and I've been taking care of it ever since.
Your DH needs to deal with his kids and his ex wives.
Your DH needs to deal with his kids and his ex wives. The more you are involved, the more difficult it is going to be for you. Visitation is for children to spend time with their Father. DH needs to either change his work schedule or his visitation schedule. SD should not be spending her Sundays with you - and it sounds like you look after her sister as well? No good will come from that. The moment something bad happens, you are going to be blamed for everything.
I hate to sound so negative, but it rarely works out for a SM who is as involved as you are. Your DH chose to have children with these women, so it is up to him to deal with them. And while I completely understand how his having no contact with SS15 is good for you, it it also good for your DH and his son?
I missed it the first read..
I missed it the first read.. that he doesn't have a relationship with his 15 yo son. ANOTHER red flag on this man. That is his minor child.. what could possibly be a legit reason for him to not keep up some kind of relationship? Is the kid a literal murderer? or just another kid poorly parented by him and his Ex? (one of many Exes?)
So here's be deal with SS...
So here's be deal with SS....he was mouthing off to my husband and hitting his sisters. My husband put him in his place and he didn't like it, stating that the girls are "the favorites" his grandmother is also a manipulative person who does not like my husband and constantly tries to turn my SS against my husband. I think the combination of his mom and grandmothers influence and the fact that my husband is not afraid to discipline him had something to do with it .
You are turning into the exes
You are turning into the exes' unpaid babysitter. Please stop that immediately. If your DH cannot be there to be with his daughters, then they should be with their mothers (the NCP is under no obligation to taker their visitation).
Visitation is for the child to be with their parent, NOT so they can be babysat by their SM thus giving their mother a day off! You have your own life!
Finally, SD11's mother says you don't do enough for her daughter? That is not your responsibility in the least. Taking care of her daughter is HER job, certainly not yours. Remind her of this, often.
Take your life back. Your husband is the one who should be dealing with his exes and who needs to find a way if fixing things WITHOUT involving you. He can either change shifts, change jobs, or change visitation. It's his call but this needs to be dealt with swiftly.