I don't want to hate my stepson, but I do..
I've always been the type of person who didn't want to get married or have children. I don't know why, but I just never really liked kids. But when I met my husband I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. He is the sweetest, most caring man I have ever met. He is so understanding about EVERYTHING. I've never met a person I could just click with and someone who loves me even with my flaws. The only problem is that he has a son from his previous marriage. He's only six, and I met him when he was four. His father only gets him every other weekend. When we were dating it was fine since I usually wouldn't see him on those weekends unless it was a special event (birthdays and such) or just little day trips. Just from the little time I spent with my SS then, I realized I didn't really like him. It only got worse when my husband moved in with me. Now every other weekend my house was a disaster from his child and I just didn't want to be there. I would always find some other place to be, whether it be work, shopping, just anything to keep me from going home. When I was home I would spend all my time in my bedroom with the door closed.
I haven't spent much time with children over the years, as I tried to avoid them as best as possible. So I'm not sure if he is acting like all little boys do, or if he is just a little annoying monster. He complains that he is sick ALL the freakin' time. Once he woke up in the morning stating he had a stomach ache and wouldn't eat anything, when he finally ate something he goes "oh I was just hungry!" sigh...really? I'm pretty sure he gets this behavior from his BM from what I've heard from my DH. He does not remind me of his father at all, just the way he acts, he's a strange child in my house. He is constantly pestering my DH and I to play with him, he can't seem to play anything on his own. He wants constant attention, it drives me bonkers. He has plenty of toys, games, and a yard to play in. I remember when I was a child I played on my own all the time, why can't he?? I don't mind playing board games or video games with him once in a while, but even then my patience wears thin. I just don't want to constantly keep him entertained! He just seems so needy about EVERYTHING, are all children like this?
My DH knows how I feel about my SS. We've talked about it many times and he can see where I'm coming from on a lot of things. So it's amazing to have such an understanding partner. I just wish I could stop feeling such hate for my SS. I really don't want to. Sometimes I get so depressed about it, wishing that he didn't have a child. But I know I made the decision to marry a man with a child, so I need to figure it out. I also see my SS as a piece of my DH's past that is never going away, a constant link to his EX-wife that will be there forever. I think that might be part of the reason I don't like him, he is a constant reminder of that. I even hate that there are pictures of my SS plastered all over my house.
My DH tells me that it took him a while to be comfortable with being a parent. That it might just be something that I would have to experience on my own to understand it. We don't plan on having children together at the moment, but maybe in the future. There are some things I can see that would be positive about being a parent, but I also see a lot of negative. And if I feel this strong dislike from my SS, will I feel the same way about one of my own?
Has anyone else gone through something similar that could offer advice? I really want to get past this. My DH helps, but he can't see exactly where I am coming from, he doesn't completely get it. I don't want to hate him for the sake of my DH. Plus I feel like an awful person for having these feelings.
I feel exactly the same way
I feel exactly the same way that you do about SD. I hate this constant reminder of a previous life - who are we kidding, it's current life, forever. BM is going to be in SO's life until one of them dies because of the existence of SD. I hate it. And I already dislike children, and SD is a very typical, boring child. I wish that SD had never been born. I wish that SO didn't have a child. It's horrible. You're certainly not alone.
The usual reason for this
The usual reason for this feeling is the kid is a constant reminder that your partner had a previous relationship with another woman that was serious enough to produce a child.
You're not going to get over this - time isn't going to do it. It's not like death where at least the reminding person is gone from sight. This kid will just keep popping up. Remember bio-mothers can die or otherwise become unable to care for their children. Sons especially should live with their father around the onset of puberty - certainly by age 14. For you to interfere with this relationship would be way out of line.
Are you sure you want to place yourself in the middle of this? At the very least you need to study this idea and implement it fully so you are as uninvolved as possible in the boys life. He doesn't need more problems that he already has: click here>> http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
"Sons especially should live
"Sons especially should live with their father around the onset of puberty - certainly by age 14."
Maybe. But not necessarily. Same that girls not necessarily need to live with their mothers at that age. They should live with the parent who will foster their coming adulthood, not shame them for the people they are, etc. I know women who have raised healthy male children to adulthood (myself included), as well as (several) men who have raised healthy female children to adulthood. All depends on the parent(s).
Thank you everyone. Good
Thank you everyone. Good advice about the having my own space. I share my office with my DH who has plastered the room with pictures of his SS. It would be nice to have a room just to myself to escape to when I feel overwhelmed. Also I was looking into that book step monster that was mentioned and will be buying it.
One of the things that gets me so mad is that my DH and the BM did not plan on having kids, but she got off of her birth control without telling him, then bam...kid. They didn't even stay together long after he was born. I just wish she wasn't so selfish in making that decision for the two of them.
And I guess I wasn't too clear on what I wanted from the situation. I don't want anything to do with my SS, I don't want any part in raising him. My DH knows this and is ok with it for now. But maybe he's thinking the SS will grow on me and change my mind. I don't want to eventually love him, I just want to be able to see him and not feel this anger. I knows SS doesn't deserve to have such hate towards him, he's just a child and also didn't ask to be put in this situation.
I love my husband. I don't want to regret marrying him just because of this.
" Good advice about the
" Good advice about the having my own space. I share my office with my DH who has plastered the room with pictures of his SS. It would be nice to have a room just to myself to escape to when I feel overwhelmed."
I think you should definitely have your own space. A place where you can relax, have tings important to you, photos that are meaningful to you. Just as your husband should.
As for photos around the house... are there JUST pictures of your stepson, or are there other photos, too? Of your husband you, other family in various configurations?
Ehcnametruoc I understand
Ehcnametruoc I understand your feelings entirely.
My partner wasnt keen on having kids but his ex wife went off birth control and got pregnant immediately. Part of me is angry with him for allowing himself to get into a situation where he had kdis with a women when he knew the relationship wasnt right. But I can deal with that. What I cant deal with is the verbal abuse that flows from his ex wife. I cant help it, it affects how I feel about the kids. I wish they had never been born so that I could enjoy my relationshuip with a wonderful man without having to deal with all this drama.
I dont have any advice for you other than to vent it in same forums like this, where nobody is judging you.
CheriWilson - every time you
CheriWilson - every time you reply to my post its to tell me what an awful man my partner is.
He is a wonderful man.
Please dont bother replying to my posts anymore.
I feel like you are literally
I feel like you are literally telling my feelings, thank you for phrasing it so well. I know I shouldn't hate/resent the child, but his bad behavior (stemming from poor rules at home) and he constant onslaught of harassing emails and repeated court appearances has left me with little to no room for empathy and has made me resent our life for not being able to enjoy him and our relationship like you said.
Thank you and I hope all the best for you in all this drama.
^^^ same situation but they
^^^ same situation but they werent even married, just a screw around tbh! makes me sick that woman have the right to bring a child into the world when they feel like it and the man has to do the honorable thing, even though they have lied and cheated to get there. and then a child is put in the middle-wtf?!
OP i complelty understand where you are coming from, i sometimes think 'oh is this love im feeling; and then they go and do something and its like BAM no it wasnt lol!! and I get the same thing that when they do something it reminds you of the ex and sometimes its quite sickening!
you need a room to yourself and by the sounds of it you are lucky with your DH. speak to him and say this is our office, that is your kid so lets just have pics of US in the office. building up resentment and then exploding on him will either end up in divorce or in the monority something happening for the better for you (i waiting and then exploded-luckily everyone survived ; ) )
Just becasue he has a kid doesnt mean you need it chucked down your throat every min of the day.
You are dead wrong. Some
You are dead wrong. Some women literally have taken the semen out of the condom to get pregnant. That is entrapment.
Believe me, I know it's his
Believe me, I know it's his fault too. I'm also pissed that he thought it was a good idea to stick it in her when he knew the marriage was failing. But he's a guy...stupid guys always thinking with their penis. He's taken full responsibility for it. Started paying child support as soon as the split up before it was court ordered. And he has always wanted to be in his sons life. He just wishes his son had a different mother, haha.
LOL I can see how your
LOL I can see how your opinions might upset some... you do come off as a little man-hating.
But.... I AGREE! It took me a long time to come to terms with reality with my DH. He had a role in creating their 3 children, may have even encouraged or wanted babies with BM (GASP) and perhaps even had a romantic relationship with her complete with fantasies about their future (DOUBLE GASP!)
Why is it so much easier to think that our guys were totally innocent or tricked? Is it because if we think of anything other than that we have to accept that they had a bonafide relationship with BM (albeit dysfunctional and unhappy) they may have even loved her and tenderly kissed her pregnant belly? I kinda like the innocent, miserable, tricked guy story better too.... maybe the reality of the story is somewhere in the grey area.
I know how you feel all too
I know how you feel all too well...I sooo wish my BF didnt even go out with BM and knock her up and marry her, his life has been hell via BM because he fell for her "act". He would tell you that himself. Now he has to pay FOR LIFE because he stuck his dick inside a gold digging, entitled, whore. VERY STEEP/SHITTY PRICE TO PAY for any human being!!! I love my BF very much, but there are many times that I resent him for the fact that I too have to suffer because of his past BAD/STUPID choices.
I wish his kid didnt exist, I HATE that my BF pays so fucking much CS that God only knows when we will ever be able to have the life that he had when he was with BM (our own house, new vehicles, etc) I resent that that gold digging bitch got the "good life" with my BF and now I get shit because he gets raped in CS. Bottom line I wish the kid didn't exist and BM and BF never even met!!! Life is seriously sooo much better when BM and skid are out of sight and out of mind, until we look at his paycheck every Wednesday that is.....
I feel the same way about my
I feel the same way about my SD. I wish sometimes that i did care for her in more then a way then i do for a stranger on street but i don't. I would protect her from harm but i don't want to be around her at all. and i hate the pictures around the house too, i've started putting ones up of things that make me happy to counter act the annoyance.