Birthdays/Fathers Day/COVID
Here goes....
I'm pretty new here... have been enjoying some threads on this forum but especially the child free zone - maybe someone else will understand me around here!
So me and my partner have been dating for almost 4 years. He has three boys, 15,7 and 5. Since lockdown being imposed, and schools being cancelled, we've found ourselves managing in an ad-hoc system of having the children.
Before all this, we would religiously have the boys Wednesday nights until Thursday school run, and every other weekend Friday to Sunday, and Mondays for dinner.
The new arrangement is now Wednesday through to Sunday every other week. My partner has now returned to work and I remain working from home AND having the children.
Gripe Numero UNO:
before lockdown, my name being mentioned, my being being present or any other situation regarding me was completely shut down, I did not exist and the boys lived with their Dad (even though we all live in the home I own..) since her new boyfriend has come on the scene, he has been in touch with my partner to let him know that parenting needs to be done together, and that we should all meet and try and make things easier to manage whilst we're all in an unforeseen. I begrudgingly agreed, swallowed my pride and went. All was fine, predictions of her behaviour were bang on, and we laughed about it after.
anyhow. We're now several weeks in, and she seems to have become buddies with my partner again; buying him presents for his birthday (yesterday) and cards and presents for Father's Day which is this coming Sunday. In the four years we've been together, not one msg, card, gift, has been exchanged and if it has, it's been straight in the bin on her part.
gripe numero 2
For some reason, we've had birthday messages, cards, calls and pop ins. I am not comfortable with this AT ALL, as when we first got together, this happened as soon as she found out about me, and they slept together behind my back on numerous occasions, until she found the perfect moment to tell me.. in front of al my family on Christmas Eve 4 years ago!
i have spoken to my partner about how I feel uncomfortable and how previous demons are creeping up and he's reassured me I have nothing to worry about.
gripe numero 3
Im now sat in the bath, having cooked cleaned washed and played with them continuously on my own al week, thinking WTF. I do so much for these boys, and when he gets home from work, he questions my challenges and contradicts my demands (which are things like don't feed the dog a treat for 100th time today, don't put your hands on the wall after eating) they both pull the card that I will never understand as I am not a parent, but I am so full of resent right now. I asked for a compromise, as always, but am left with the mug sticker on my head. She still refuses to contact me, and calls him to tell him something, then he calls me to tell me, despite him paying £50 a month for his eldests contract so they can keep in touch.
Rant over - ungrateful messy kids, non compromising partner, and ex wife back on the scene.. blurgh!
Why are you staying in this relationship?
Why are you staying in this relationship? Your partner slept with his ex more than once and she told you in front of your family? Why was she interacting with your family? What steps did he take to make up for the infidelity? How do you know he hasn't started sleeping with her again?
As I understand it, you watch his children when he isn't around, yet he tells you that you don't understand things because you aren't a parent? Fine, quit watching his kids. Disengage from them completely. That means you don't watch over them or cook for them or clean up after them. Anything to do with them is referred to your partner. Try that for awile and see if he changes his tune.
(Why were you watching them and working from home to begin with? Working from home means you are working, just from home. There should be no time to look after kids.)
So what precisely are you
So what precisely are you getting out of this relationship, with a man who betrayed you with his ex, and who uses you as a free babysitting service on his supposed visitation time? I would see this arrangement as a deal which is very weighted on his side.
The other two said it all.
The other two said it all. Your partner cheated with his ex, insists you watch his kids and then puts down your parenting? Why on Earth was BM with YOUR family on Christmas Eve? What?!
Your problem here is HIM, not BM or the kids. If you are going to stay, boundaries are in order with BM. And you need to let him know you won't be watching his kids or parenting them in any way, it's all on him.
I wouldn't have stayed with
I wouldn't have stayed with him another minute, much less 4 years, after finding out he was cheating.
I don’t get it.
Why do you want to be treated like dog do. There is nothing magical about being a bio parent. You not understanding his behavior has nothing to do with magic of parenthood. He is carrying on with his ex, is unreasonable in any relationship. Any normal relationship. He made his choice, it's not you, He using you as a servent, who part of her job is to have sex with him.
Your home. Time to take it
Your home. Time to take it back. This guy cheated on you with his XW. The one he cocreated the failed family with.
You must respect and value yourself before anyone of substance will value you. Time to put this entire failed family in your past and get on with life with a quality partner who values you and the relationship with you above all else. Preferably one without the baggage of a shallow and polluted gene pool created by a failed family.
Good luck.
Take back your home, take back your life.
I wish it was that easy!
So yesterday evening, I ask him when we sit down from a busy Father's Day if he had received contact from her... sure enough, she'd sent him a msg wishing him happy Father's Day, and that the gift he got was actually kept by his eldest son who decided he liked the stuff to much to give it to him.. (!!)
I told him last night I'm fed up of him all of a sudden being friends with her, and his response was that he can't control other people and stop her from contacting him.
my response was that if he wishes to expect me to play housemaid whilst I can't ask one thing from him (because he stole my trust, with her) then he needs to raise his children elsewhere. We've been through this three months ago, when he was deleting msgs from her and lying about it, and he just will not leave.
His reaction is that I am ruining his birthday and Father's Day celebrations by saying his children have been unruly and he did not rectify their behaviour all week, and that he will not leave.
I cannot win. I refuse to leave my own home with my dog, my business, my life. He will not leave, he has nothing to his name and nowhere to go. I know this isn't my problem, but when he's the victim cos I've thrown him out, I get talked round and he ends up staying.
Re-key the locks and have
Re-key the locks and have your attorney send him a cease and desist notice to stay the hell away from you... along with divorce papers.
Consult with an attorney to
Consult with an attorney to see what you need to do to get him out of your house. He is using you. He humiliated you by cheating on you with his ex who revealed this to your family. Idk how you can show your face around your family while still being with this man. I really don't understand.