Did you keep records of all these incidents? It would fantastic if you had a folder full of text or email printouts from bm: "no you can't have him" and various other records of attempts to be there for the boy and blockings by bm.

Then you could go to your dh and say "now ss is a dad himself, it's time to show him that file." He may support that.

If you don't have these records, I think you have little to work with. You just comfort your dh and respect his wishes.

Or possibly since you have already been in contact with ss independently ask your dh if he minds if you continue to have your own relationship with him and would it hurt his feelings if you told the ss "you're a grownup now - perhaps one day you'll be interested in how these dynamics looked from my perspective." Then, without attacking the bm, let him know of his dad's efforts. That is, if he asks and dh is not opposed.

But really this is between the two of them. The best course might be to step back. Certainly do not do anything behind dh's back.

Hugs to you!! I feel so sorry for you and can relate to this feeling: I think my stepson has an incorrect view of the world, but I don't know how to fix things, or even if I should.

I too have had to recently resign myself to the fact that I am not in control NOR liable (and the liable part is important) for the relationship my husband has with any of his children. Here is what goes on in many step-situations (but, not all, by any means): The primary custodial parent (usually BM) and the kids, continue to feel like dad is their property, literally, even long after the divorce and dad is out of the house or remarried. Bio-dad can be in a rut over the divorce for years and have no clue what to do. He has no idea if his children even still want to be with him or not. BM can easily go on to fan the flames--referring to her ex-/the kids' dad as a loser, dad doesn't want to see them, does nothing for them, etc. And, if BM remarries, New Dad is promoted as dad and old dad as out the door.

Meanwhile dad remarries and then there is SM the kids have to deal with. Can't go after BM or bio-dad, or even New Dad, because he is protected by and considered owned by BM (just like ol' dad is). BUT, SM--heck!!! Finally someone to blame. Someone to go after with full force and spend countless hours chatting with friends, boy or girlfriends, counselors, and so on about what an a$$ your SM is and how she totally ruined your life for not taking the time to comb your hair one morning before school pictures were taken, and you looked like a fool, and everyone made fun of you, etc.

The sad thing is, most people make the same mistake my husband and I did and just ASSUMED once his kids were older they'd figure it out and be able to sort things out. Well, I got news for ya', you can't count on this at all, and I would even go so far as to say, most don't figure it out. It is much, much easier to just believe what you told when you were younger and have a true unrelated scapegoat (SM or step-sibs or 1/2 sibs) you can use as your punching bag vs. trying to sort through this mess and realize that, "Hey, maybe BM was wrong, or maybe I was wrong"?!

To me, what it comes down to is when mom and dad divorced, they put all of this into motion. Their kids are their kids, and at the end of the day, whatever relationship they have is on them. Me, from now on I'm just focusing on being a supportive wife to my husband. You see, society doesn't really recognize second wives, or whatever. Society always see BM as #1 wife or SO. Society thinks it is okay for BM and bio-dad to divorce and put all sorts of burdens on everyone else for the sake of their children, and those people (big-time including steps!) are all supposed to suck it up and take it for these children with no reward and possible (okay, probable) punishment, and SM is always supposed act like wife #2 and lowdown to BM whenever BM, DH and SKs are around.

Things will improve for SM and divorced dads with children only when society starts celebrating step-mothers rather than scapegoating them, and recognizing that parents NEVER change, but spouses can, and EVERYONE needs to deal with that and respect that. It takes a village to raise a child. And, holier-than-thou BMs and bio-dads can be very wrong about things and what their children were told about the other growing up.

Your SS has to see this for himself, otherwise, he will always blame his dad and you for his ills, and any group counseling sessions will deteriorate into a laundry of what you'all did wrong and how dare you, and everything has to be SS's way now if you even think you can make it up to him.

Support your husband, let SS go, and who knows, he may come back to you some day, finally realizing that no parent is perfect, and if anything, most are far from it.

Stay out of it.

My SD25 feels the same way, that my husband was never there for her. Despite reality, she has it in her mind that that is the truth, and she has a BM who reinforces that falsehood. It makes my DH sick but there's nothing I can do about it except remind him that he was/is a great dad and that it was BM, and SD herself, who put a wedge in their relationship (and they continue to do so).

My DH and SD do talk on the phone but don't see each other. I don't remind her of birthdays or anything else (sometimes she calls him, sometimes not), nor do I think it's up to me to fix things. I don't believe that she will ever see things differently and nothing I say or do is going to change that. All I can do is be here for my DH when she makes him feel like crap.