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Worried that our new found peace will disappear

Too old for this's picture

Submitted by Too old for this on Sat, 02/09/2019 - 1:17pm

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Adult Stepchildren

After a year of counseling DH and I are finally at one with respect to horrible SD.  Now that he supports me, she did not call on his birthday, on Christmas or any other time.  She is not returning his calls.  Fine my me.  It is peaceful.

But now I learn she and 3 kids are coming to town to visit BM and others.  I just know drama will follow.

I plan to lay low, leave it to DH to figure out.  BUT I am concerned that he will revert to delusional thinking by saying something like “It would be nice to have them all here for dinner”.  Yes, that would be delusional and I need to be prepared. I am not doing it. Nor am I going to leave my home.  I just want to avoid an argument.

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sat, 02/09/2019 - 1:30pm

Yes, I well know the feeling of waiting for the drama to start.  Would it make sense to let DH know you are a bit worried? Or just wait to see what happens?

I tend to deal with my anxiety by predicting the worst, so it can help just to breathe and see what happens. But be prepared to set a limit as needed.

Survivingstephell's picture

Submitted by Survivingstephell on Sat, 02/09/2019 - 1:43pm

The first true test of his boundaries and how much he likes the new peace.  He might stumble at this .  How did you learn of her visit?  Did he tell you about it or some other way? 

If is he reverts and wants to invite them over, remind him of the time spent in therapy, the new agreement and offer him the freedom to see them anywhere else but your home is off limits to keep the peace you now have.  

Can you plan a trip out of town when they are coming?  LOL  Keeping him busy during that time might help alleviate any anxiety he might have staying strong.  

My DH had to put boundaries in place with 3 of the skids and it was a process that got easier with each time it was tested.  Be firm in your agreement you have with him and offer him the space to come up with his own solution if he struggles.  

Too old for this's picture

Submitted by Too old for this on Sat, 02/09/2019 - 2:06pm

He told me.  And getting out of town is what I did last time!  Sadly can’t do it this time. 

SacrificialLamb's picture

Submitted by SacrificialLamb on Sat, 02/09/2019 - 3:50pm

If SD is not returning your DH's calls and not calling him on his important events, chances are she will spurn him while she is in town.   You know, make the punishment more obvious since he doesn't seem to be complying with SD's wishes.

When I first disengaged, I was concerned thinking the other shoe would eventually drop. I guess what I was afraid of was that DH would change his mind - want to go back to the way things used to be and put OSD back on the pedestal she is used to being on. After time went on I realized he was not going to change his mind and give up his peaceful, happy life.

But he also still wants to have a relationship with his DD and grandkids. And that was fine with me, as long as I could stay out of it.

I agree with CG above (probably a first).  Tell DH to take them to dinner and you will stay home. 

CANYOUHELP's picture

Submitted by CANYOUHELP on Sun, 02/10/2019 - 6:30am

Hi Too Old For This,

Love that name, even if you are eighteen, you are too old for this ridiculously sick dynamic. Good for you for holding your boundaries. It is your only salvation, I have learned myself. Sounds like your husband does see what his darling daughter does, her games, etc.,that is a good sign....but tread lightly, even so.

These daddeeees have zero boundaries and as Lamby points out regularly and I see clearly now, (men like ours), worry about self comfort, number one; not adult brats, wives, or anything else. They are unwilling to set boundaries as it makes everybody uncomfortable, therefore, the wicked step is forced to step up in order to preserve her own sanity. At that point, disengagement begins and, as every peaceful day passes---my/your happiness lies in never having any kind of relationship with people who despise us again. My husband knows he can either accept my decision to protect myself or leave; and he knows he is the heart of the entire problem, as well.  Therefore, he never pushes me to have a relationship; he knows what he/BM supposedly raised. I would deny it too...LOL...

Too old for this's picture

Submitted by Too old for this on Sun, 02/10/2019 - 8:24am

Great comments/advice from wise people who have experienced this nonsense.

I have been debating whether to raise the issue with DH now (we have a few days) or just let it unfold.  I had been leaning towards the latter, but after reading the posts, and on reflection I may go with the former.  It might be better than waiting for the other shoe to drop!  

Thoughts?

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 02/14/2019 - 8:55am

Rather than worry. I suggest that you put some strucure and guidlines into place for you and DH to follow regarding SD interface.   Just because you are currently through with counseling does not mean you can stop complying with the guidance and advice of the therapist.

Stay the course, set the boundaries, enforce the boundaries.  Always and forever.

The best predictor of future performance is past behavior. You and DH know full well how SD will act. Be ready for it. Do not let hope overwhelm your brains.