Hi everyone.
{I hope this is not duplicated. I thought I submitted my post yesterday morning but do not see it so I am submitting it again}.

I married DH six years ago when his three sons were 17, 22 and 26. BM had left them and DH 5 years earlier when SS23 was 12. The oldest was out of the house with his girlfriend who he married a few years ago. They live in another state. I remember bragging to my friends how I met DH at a great time when his kids were growing up and moving out and on with their lives. I was looking forward to just DH and myself. I retired from my job and was ready to enjoy life with DH. It did not work out that way. We have yet to live by ourselves. The 22 year old did move out but back in for a year of hell. Who I thought was a sweet polite funny nice kid was a nightmare manipulator and an unbelievable slob. He did not use a dresser or closet, ALL clothes were on the floor, moldy food in his room, help himself to fridge and leave everything out to name a few things. Also did not contribute a penny and had no chores. DH was an enabler, wouldn't give him a deadline to move back out and was just afraid to talk to him about it. I was ready to divorce him when he agreed to marriage counseling with me which saved our marriage. He did get SS22 to move out and just in time as it became apparent the kid was doing drugs and drinking. He totaled his car last Christmas and DH went to bail him out but did not bring him back here. He was finally seeing things as they were and that he can't fix him. Since he was threatening to harm himself DH had an ambulance come take him to the hospital instead of bringing him to his own apartment. He cussed DH out over that. DH came home. I reached out to SS for his birthday a few months later and he said he would come for dinner. We prepared a nice meal and bought gifts. He blew us off with an excuse. After that I stopped personally reaching out and would just tell SS23 to let his brother know I was having a birthday party for his father and what time. He did not show up for that and DH did not hear from him on father's day. I have totally disengaged from this kid and I feel good about it.

SS23 went off to college and came back within a year and was diagnosed with some serious mental problems. He is functioning well with medication but even though his counselor told us years ago that he can drive, work, etc. DH was not pushing him to do any of those things. So back to therapy. Same therapist helped immensely. Since we both were taxiing him around she suggested we have him drive (with us in the car) anywhere he needed to go to get him comfortable driving and to tell him taxi service is over by such and such a date. DH agreed but I stuck to it more than he did and would have a fit when I saw DH drive him because “SS was tired”. Anyway he finally got his license at 21 with the therapist's help and my insisting DH stick to the plan. Then came the job thing. This caused many fights with me and DH. I hated supporting this kid doing nothing but playing games in his messy room. We fought constantly over this. We paid for a course for SS to get a marketable skill. Unfortunately they allow people four chances to pass. He milked that one out over the last year and used it as an excuse to not get a job “I'm studying.” DH was also getting frustrated and did talk to him and he did pass the test finally and was thrilled but not thrilled enough to start looking for a job in that field. Finally I did what our therapist suggested DH do but wouldn't. I told SS he needs to get a job immediately, that I know he can, I don't care what it is, I am tired of helping to support him, that if he doesn't get a job, by the next month he needs to move out and when he does get one he can move back in. He got a job the next day. Not in his field but at a local store helping stock. It is a family run business. He loves it and they love him. It is working out nicely but it is only part time. Since I was successful with that and other things SS does listen to me about, our counselor thinks I should be the enforcer. If it means getting SS23 out on his own I will do it although I don't like it. If I left it up to DH SS23 would still be playing video games in his room all day. We agreed awhile ago (in counseling) that he can be out by March 1st. He has no excuse to not get a full time job. I told him in front of his father yesterday that I want to see him making an effort to get another part time job since warehouses are hiring for the holidays and to also apply to full time jobs in his field. I gave him a chart to write the places he applies to and I told him I want to see the cover letters. I told him March is only in 3 months and he is going to have a hard time living on a part time job on his own.

This morning (with my reminder) he came down and I helped him update his resume and do a few cover letters. He was appreciative. He should be doing these things himself but he just won't. Our counselor said “we” will have to help him with these things to get him launched. So I look at it that way, anything to get this kid out and he does cooperate, just won't initiate on his own. He may be afraid and needs to be coaxed. Whatever.

Needlesss to say I am exhausted. I have no kids of my own so parenting was totally unexpected at this stage in my life. BM lives a few blocks away. She does Sunday dinners and she seems to have a close relationship with all the boys which is fine. I am just resentful she wasn't present (emotionally mostly) to teach them the life skills they needed to learn when they were young and I resent that she is enjoying life alone with her husband which is what I am craving to do.

Thanks for listening. I will keep you posted.