When Sd wants to re-engage
I have had the best Christmas since being married and peace restored in our house since we married, because I disengaged from spoilt brat sd (in her 30s). My dh still sees her but I don't because she always made me feel bad for taking her precious daddy, she is very rude and disrespectful.She didn't live at home and barely saw him but when we married she suddenly decided she was very close to him. She said a lot of nasty and untrue things about me (and him!), so to gain some sanity after years of arguments, I disengaged but I still meet my ss.
It worked perfectly but I have now received a letter from her asking to reconcile and saying she is partially to blame for not getting on with me!
I still think the best thing for everyone is for dh to spend quality time with her and me to stay out of it as I know she loves playing manipulative games. But now dh is resenting me not giving her another chance.
I am tired of the games, tired of the manipulative sd, tired of dh not being able to see through her games, tired of thinking what her next thing will be. My dh wants us to get along and now resents me for my disengagement as he thinks she is such a perfect person who has offered an olive branch (we have nearly separated many times over her!).
Thank you for your advice. X
Also, change the language of
Also, change the language of the dialogue.
My own dh recently said something to me about SD17 and I "not getting along." I said, "Hold your horses. It's not a matter of 'getting along.' She is UNKIND to me. That's the whole story right there." He quickly admitted that was the truth. I know he hates hearing it but no way am I getting labeled as "not getting along" or taking ANY of the blame. This is completely on her and he knows it and I'm just not allowing that language.
You shouldn't either. Call a spade a spade.
Using that language allows them (dhs) to paint a picture in their heads that is more flattering than deserved of the sds and more condescending and blaming of the wife than is deserved. Quite frankly, this picture is more than a little misogynistic and allows the man to paint himself as the calm voice of reason, the stalwart rock of the family. How nice for him. He gets to absolve himself of guilt when he is the guiltiest party of all. He puts blame that belongs to himself and to his daughter and puts it on wife.
Just no. Break through that gauzy pink dream of his and splash some stark reality in there.
This is very true. Words
This is very true. Words matter. A lot.
Chief, Your comments are
Chief, Your comments are excellent and think I shall frame them! I've been repeatedly told that SD26 and I are like oil and water, we just don't get along. When in fact, it is his tolerance of her nasty behaviour that is the problem. If I or any other person treated DH like SD does, we would not be part of his life.
dadswifeorwhatever: This is
dadswifeorwhatever: This is exactly the reaction I got from my DH. His DD can walk on water and she is the most rude, gossipy, nasty female that walks the earth. Ask any of her employers and she's had plenty. Just a picture, so everyone here understands, it's not just me.
I also told DH that he didn't need to be involved with SD56 and my disagreements. I told him I would handle it and he and I didn't need to even discuss it any further. I also warned him that if SD56 came whining to him about me mistreating her; it was only because I was not taking her crap any longer, thus I was handling it on my own.
The "Brady Bunch Family" expectations went away immediately. My DH does not want me to even be around his DD, because he knows she can't be respectful and I will call her on it immediately. So it works out well that I am handling my SD56.
Ava64: I have never responded to my SD's emails, or any type of correspondence. I will never re-engage with my SD56, because she does not think she ever did or said anything wrong, nor will she ever apologize for a two page hate email, which I still have; she is always right and she is perfect. So there is no argument from me; she loves herself and thinks everyone should adore her; when in actuality nobody likes her; it speaks for itself. She will never change and I will never be abused again. Bottom line and end of story.
I am civil and tolerate of her visiting DH; they are welcome to spend anytime, anywhere, together, it gives me a break. The last visit in our home, 2 months ago, she got out of line, with her mouth; I put her in her place very quickly and very respectfully; she stuttered a bit and they left shortly after. SD and SIL don't come around, only about 1/4 of the time now, GREAT!!!!!!
If DH had raised her to respect his feelings and what DH chose for his life (me), we wouldn't be having the disrespect, disengagement, and dislike between SD and myself. So I lay this on DH, for raising the little princess that he created. DH's problem. I show DH respect, I show his grown kids respect, but that's all they get from me. No going back.
Dadswifeorwhatever , I wonder
Dadswifeorwhatever , I wonder if I should reply as a lot of what she said was a twisted version of the facts or if I should just not get into that. Part of me wants to correct her lies as she has convinced her Dad of the twisted and nasty lies but part of me thinks I should keep my dignity and not rise to it! X
So SD has suckered Dad in
So SD has suckered Dad in again is what you are saying. He wants to believe her and her crap so you are to blame for not accepting her half hearted attempt to get you to lower your guard and let the weasel back into your life.
NOT HIS BUSINESS!! Repeat after me, I will take care of my relationship with SD as I see best for me. We are both adults and can work it out or not work it out all on our own.
Wow perfect! Hadn't thought
Wow perfect! Hadn't thought like that. She has again reduced me to an anxious fearful mess (not In front of dh). She is the most manipulative person I have ever met and has convinced him now that she has 'apologised' that she is an angel who is being wronged. Thank you for your advice. As I sit here in tears reading these replies I am gaining strength to stand up and deal with this again. I have never in my life let anything get to me like her but she really is a nasty piece of work x
When it comes to my own ss's
When it comes to my own ss's and disengaging I like the analogy of having built a wall with windows and a door in it. When they are not around the wall is up, I don't go out of my way to talk about, plan or do things for them. If ss26 comes over I'll open the door and am kind to him and his family while he's here. When they're gone I close the door. When ss31 aka }:) comes over I jump out the window to avoid him completely.
Oops...this was meant for the
Oops...this was meant for the disengaging post.
By sending you an olive
By sending you an olive branch (and no doubt letting the world know she did it), your SD has cleverly put you in the hot seat. Before, you were the victim, seeking to protect yourself. Now, if you don't accept her olive branch, you will seem mean and churlish, the persecutor instead of victim. And that won't be good for your marriage.
I think you need to create the appearance of being open to improving the relationship, without investing too much of yourself in the process. Follow form, pay lip service, but always remain the more sympathetic figure in your H's eyes.
Perhaps you can agree to meet with SD in a neutral, public place "to settle our differences". Hear her out, see what she has to say, take no sh!t and make no promises. Hopefully she'll show her a$$ and you can regretfully take your leave (" I'm really discouraged, DH. I so hoped SD was ready to accept our marriage and move forward. Sniff sniff"), but who knows? Maybe she has matured and is ready to make amends.
Go! Record everything! Think
Go! Record everything!
Think of it like a spy mission. You don't have to use the tape...but you'll always know you have it!
I am very careful when around
I am very careful when around SD17. She almost 18. My parents, when I tell them who she is and what they have done always come back with "she is from a broken home, she has issues, she is child of divorce, poor little winona SD17!" But she has gone off on me too many times and I have been down the road too many times. Then she lies and twists things so she is passive victim that did not do anything.
Sometimes it makes you want to unleash the demon on them and then say "I didn't do anything!!!!"
But they are the daughter dearest and we are the evil stepmonsters, cold and unfeeling and mean.
Ugh.
Gawd, I've heard the same
Gawd, I've heard the same excuses for ss31, his mother has issues, she favored ss26 over him, they are children of divorce...blah blah blah. So forever and always it's ok for them to be shielded from the adult world and coddled.
I would never meet ss31 alone if he extended the olive branch. No way. I would consider meeting him for a short lunch somewhere with DH present but never on my own.
The paragraph "gosh I
The paragraph "gosh I tried.........." is exactly right. She has told others she has apologised and now everyone is awaiting my reaction.
Ava64: DO NOT RESPOND. Just
Ava64: DO NOT RESPOND. Just play it cool and as if you never received any correspondence. I wouldn't discuss it with your DH; when your DH begins any conversation about it, ask him to "drop it and you do not want to ever discuss it again, because it leads to difficult times for you and your DH". Just tuck it away for reference, and I mean tuck it DEEP AWAY. Don't re-read or think about it. I kept my SD56's 2 page hate email, because I had already taken it to an Attorney for a stalking order; but it is tucked in a storage box deep. If I ever need it for legal purposes I will have it and nothing else. My DH is aware of the email, has read it, and is also aware that I took it to an Attorney; but we do not discuss it.
I won't advise you on re-engagement; just saying I will never do it. My DH is welcome to see his grown kids and spend all the time he wants with his DD56; but I don't want to be included, unless it's my choice. I try to stay away from my SD56. I've been disengaged 7 years.
Handle your SD on your own and don't discuss it with your DH. He won't believe you anyway and it only caused fights that SD loves to see happening. My SD stepped forward and gave me a cold hug Christmas in front of DH, when they were leaving our home. I didn't react and just let it go; the next time she stopped by, it was the same ole' passive aggression, so NO I won't go back and never had any intentions of it.
Hang in there and stand strong. Take the high road; it's better for you.
These ladies are so right,
These ladies are so right, there is nothing YOU can do to change this, as negative as it sounds. Even the message "partially" what, places the blame back on you!
Seriously, ignore this, and as Sammi said keep it stored deeply somewhere--just in case, I believe in documentation when husband lives in fantasy land; a lot do!
It is just like a SD to
It is just like a SD to "partially" apologize, just to put the light of negativity on the SM; another manipulation.
Yes that percentage seems
Yes that percentage seems accurate!
The problem is that things
The problem is that things are not peaceful now, even with your disengagement.
I'm kind of a 'hope springs eternal' kind of person.
If there is a chance it might restore peace, i would be willing to hit a reset button and move forward. You don't need to be best friends, just as cordial and polite as you would be spending time with anyone you had a superficial relationship with.
Because, in the long run, it's just easier if everyone can just be pleasant. Doesn't seem like such a high bar, but it's pretty elusive, especially with SKs.
I am different... so the SD
I am different... so the SD bitch send you a letter to reconcile... game on baby...
Invite her to dinner at your house, DH to be there at all times.... prepare all the things she hates, and enjoy an evening laughing cause SD will now have to pretend she's trying, but they never can pretend this good and she will blow up or be herself, then you can truly say, in front of her and DH... I have tried, you are not even trying, you cry you want to reconcile to score brownie point with dad, but yet you treat me like crap - please leave my house and this was the last time I try with you....
if she behaves wonderfully for that evening, play the game Hon... tell DH.. seems like it's sincere and you are glad, you will do it again... wait a month... (oh tell DH you are taking it slow and need time to process)... still remain disengage, never meet her alone... after a month when you have nothing to do... invite her again....
these bitches can act only for a while and she soon will be her old self, but at least you can tell DH - you tried she stuffed it up
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your strength, courage and great advice. After another anxious night and thoughts racing through my head, I have decided to ignore her letter which states she is partially to blame, as some of you have said ... that means I am 95% to blame! I wanted to reply to correct all the misrepresentations but I know my letter would be used against me. she knows her dad will love the fact she has 'apologised ' and has again blinded him by her games. However after nearly splitting up many times and living in total misery, I can't face risking going back into that hell hole even if I am labelled ungrateful for her 'attempt at reconciliation '.
Ava, I want to start by
Ava, I want to start by saying I am not calling you out, I just really sympathize with your situation, and some of the comments you are saying. I have been facing my own SD16 issues lately that are leaving me as the "bad SM" where SD does everything perfect, and the DH sides with her, because she is the angel.
I do want to pick up on the comments that are being made not just by you, but several others about how disengagement is not always a solution, but a bandaid.
You said earlier "She will never change, she lives to cause trouble between us and my dh will ALWAYS make excuses for her. If I had known the problem with stepdaughter before I married, I would have walked away." In the message above, you said that you worry about being labelled as ungrateful, about falling into total misery by being blamed. I understand this sentiment completely.
How as independent women do we fall into a trap where we have to live a half life, walking carefully to not anger the beasts, and figure that is our best option? I just wonder how so many of us make that decision. It is not an easy choice on either side, because lets be honest, the other side of it is standing up for ourselves, saying we matter as people, and demanding to be respected. If we aren't respected, there is always a theoretical option of leaving our DH. This is not an easy choice, but many of us have been at that crux before.
How do you chose to stay and hope for the best or to go? How do you determine that it will never change? When do you put your foot down and say your happiness matters more than anything else? Are we all deluding ourselves? Or are we feeling that our children (not steps) should have their parental unit together? What about those without other children? Why do we decide to stay, when we wonder if we will ever come first?
These questions are theoretical, but I also honestly would love some of you to answer them. I'm at a crossroads, and I need to figure out when to draw a line in the sand, and I think that is really the question being asked: When do we stand up for ourselves and set boundaries that cannot be crossed by SD or DH, and how many of us really mean what we say?
Sorry for hijacking, I can start a new thread if anyone is annoyed at this. Ava, I think your SD has put you in an awful position, pitting you against your DH. My two cents, we all intuitively know whether the behaviour will continue, and at some point we have to chose to stand up to it. I wouldn't respond, and I wouldn't talk to my husband about it, aside to say as an adult, I have the right to chose who I associate with, and I chose to not have relationships with people who treat me as a mean person. It is a parasitic relationship, and you deserve better. It sucks saying that, because I think we all deserve better from our step children and the partners who perpetuate the negativity and lack of balance in the relationships. We all just have to decide individually what we are willing to deal with, and when we can't deal anymore.
*steps off soapbox* - sorry!
I really like both of these
I really like both of these posts, and I remember your post about disengagement.
At one point I remember my DH admitting that if he told his kids to stop it, he would lose them and he wasn't willing to do that. So there you go.
Your reasons for staying are right on the mark. I would only add hat the biggest problem, at least in my case, is the last one - I think the biggest reason DH cannot see that it is not me or them is because while I am not insisting on that, they absolutely are. And while they are pressuring him, they are projecting it back onto me.
As I've said before, in our case we went a decade before SS's new malignant narcissist of a GF blew our family apart. The last 3 years have been hell. I have only insisted that DH honor his vows, and not treat me worse than he would ever treat anyone else.
This means that his kids do not get to expect him to go and be part of their happy little families with whatever partner they have at the moment, while they refuse to include me, as he would never ask that of them or anyone else.
This means that they do not get to tell him how to behave within our relationship, as he would never ask that of them or anyone else.
How's that working for me?
Sometimes he seems like he gets it, tells me I'm right, and has my back. Sometimes he says he will never change and his kids can do and say anything they want and he will back them. It's like living with two completely different men.
In the end, I expect he will leave. They drove their own mother away, and he backed them. Now, they want him back and me gone - end game. And he has always given them (and especially his DD) whatever they want.
It does help to realize I am not alone in this. So thank you all again.
Thank you for sharing that
Thank you for sharing that link dadswife - I had started reading it at one point, but is it more relevant and poignant to me right now. I think you and I have a LOT in common - we should be friends....
.
Looking at the reasons, I guess I am lucky or smart. I decided early on I didn't want bio kids. I have a stable job and am well educated, I can support myself. I know what I would "get" if I left, and this doesn't scare me. I am still in my early 30's (I've been at this since I was in my early 20's!). I do hesitate on how much time is invested, on being "separated" or "divorced" and what that implies about me as a person and woman, and on the fact that I truly do love my husband, but I feel like so much of my life is being eaten up by this.
I guess I will find out if I am replaceable if I go down that route. I just have to acknowledge that I matter, and my happiness matters, and it is never too late to be you and be truly happy. If I don't put myself first, no one else will. So if I've found my hill to die on, I have to let it be.
I think my problem is my DH, not just my SD. Sadly, my DH admitted to me this week if he had to make a choice, it would "always" be in support of the SD, before he quickly backtracked from that statement. Like Stepdrama, that resonates with me.
I hope that no matter what route things go down (reconciliation, detachment, separation) that every woman here finds peace and happiness. We all deserve that, and too many women negate their own value.
My SD is 16.5. My husband is
My SD is 16.5. My husband is a few years older.
I know I am dealing with a slightly different situation because she is still a minor (and has mental health issues that complicate things). DH is a disney dad, poor communicator, and wants to "please" everyone, but first and foremost his DD. I am just trying to figure out when to draw my line, and to have a conversation now about when he needs to change his focus from being primarily a dad/parent, to first a spouse. That change has to happen, for the benefit of the child/children involved in these types of scenarios. If not, they will stay, or stay overly attached, and then only the SM's suffer.
Husband backtracked by saying the question wasn't clear/fair. I think he just wanted to try and mask the fact that the answer was the true one. I am about to find out, as we are running into an issue that is my hill to die on. If my needs can't be met (over the inconvenience of SD, and it truly is nothing more than an inconvenience), then I have to wonder if/when I will ever come first. If this is the hill I fall on, so be it, but if I don't stand up for me, who will?
The idea that a grown woman
The idea that a grown woman in her 30's still needs a mediator says a lot about this woman's maturity level.
This is what I would say to DH with a smile on my face.... If SD wants to talk to me she should contact me directly. I have no problem hearing her out, but she needs to contact me and not go through you.
With that said, I suspect SD would run for the hills and have a change of "heart" about owning her part of a failed relationship. Problem solved!
I personally would write her
I personally would write her a letter back. Thank her for her apology and say that you accept it with no hard feelings - and leave it at that. Don't go out of your way to engage with her, continue to keep your distance. At least DH can't accuse you of ignoring her gesture!!