Thank yo for support re SD letter
Some of you may remember a few weeks ago I wrote on here that after years of disengagement, the Dh had 'upped' her games and sent me an 'apology' letter (in which she said she was partially to blame!!
Many many times, we have nearly split over SD, as she (like many on here) seems to have been put on the earth to grace it with her presence. Until I met her, I was incapable of believing how NASTY, manipulative, attention seeking, tantrum-playing, egotistical an adult can be.
Well .... I ignored the letter (as someone recommended, put it in a drawer and don't read it (I had drafted a reply to rectify al the lies but as someone said - this just gives her more ammunition).
Following this, she sent Daddy a letter saying how much she loves him, how she remembers all the amazing memories they had, how she appreciated their close relationship, etc etc.... When I met him, they were barely speaking, he was giving her thousands a year to fund her lifestyle (!) to make her happy, as her Mum had died about 6 years before which gave her a 'victim' mentality etc etc. !!!
Now SD has persuaded her cousin who is getting married on Saturday to have photos of her Mum (who passed over 10 years ago), as she can't be at the wedding! (The tables of photos incl her grandparents and my dh's late wife will be next to us! ). SD has also persuaded DH that the must think of his late wife and how she would have loved to be there, how she loved weddings, and thinking of all their amazing times together - life was sssooooo much happier then.
I used to give her an enormous amount of time, patience, love and money to try and help her see that we could all have a happy family life together. I over-compensated for her, despite the very nasty games she played. It seems the nicer I was, the more vindictive she became. Until you are in this situation you cannot imagine how your stomach churns 24 hours a day, you don't sleep, you don't eat, you are just a doormat waiting for the next poisonous act.
or the person who like to show 'the other side' and make us all feel guilty that we see these SD as daddy's horrible princesses, don't waste your time in replying to this post. I have spent years pampering this princess, to the huge detriment of myself and my own children. Only after support from this forum to disengage from SD have I been able to remain married, have felt some peace and being able to go back to work after being a nervous wreck.
It seems the games continue, even when you have disengaged, but now I am able (with this amazing forum), to be able to smirk and wonder what the next game will be. x
sorry first line should say
sorry first line should say SD has 'upped' her games (not DH). Don't know how to edit it?!
sorry first line should say
sorry first line should say SD has 'upped' her games (not DH). Don't know how to edit it?!
Hello StepAside, I have been
Hello StepAside, I have been following your comments for years and they have always been very good sound advice. We get lost in our stomach churning moments, our dread of what will happen to our marriage etc if stand up for ourselves. But your comments (and lots of others on here), have given me the strength to disengage to keep our own sanity.
The wedding is on DH side. SD was 'upset' saying how she wishes her mum could be there etc etc (that's her go-to manipulation) and then asked if her mum's photo could be near us to join in the fun! To encourage the bride to do this she suggested other photos such as grandparents etc. The bride was obliged to say yes. I am sure my DH will find it difficult to be looking at the photo but at the end of the day it's the bride's choice. My Dh's late wife was not blood relative to the bride but shows how SD can think up so many ways to get at a Stepmom!
To upstage me when I got engaged to her dad, SD got engaged the next morning and made sure she had her ring before me to show everyone. Years later, they are still engaged and not married so there wasn't a rush to do it the day after us but it made sure the focus was on her.
My DH won't rock the boat with her as he couldn't bear the thought she didn't like him as he always wants to be the good guy (Disney daddy). So he sees her on his own, I don't ask any questions, just listen neutrally if he tells me anything. She loves to text him repeatedly on our special occasions, she lives to make sure the focus is on her and she will do whatever it takes to do that. (the mother of his late wife also encourages SD to disrespect me and tell lies about her Dad!). x
Your DH created a monster
Your DH created a monster that will only get worse as time goes on. I'm not joking. She will get worse unless your DH places clear boundaries around her.
Thank you Heavenlike. Yes
Thank you Heavenlike. Yes disengagement has meant I no longer need to listen to these comments (bm died over 10 years ago)...
Dad, do you remember that fantastic day when Mum......., or Dad, Mum would have loved that.... or Dad, I miss Mum's cooking, she was always such a great cook (when I cooked) or..... wonder what Mum would have thought about ......, or I love to remember all the amazing times you and Mum had together!!!!!!!!!!!
I go every year to take flowers to her grave, we mention her when it's appropriate in a conversation, but there is a big distinction between that and a SD manipulating things to get attention and make sure that I feel excluded.
I am now disengaged from SD but she still manages to play games which makes DH feel guilty and unable to be a father rather than a doormat.
Time for DOORMATS to STAND UP and be clean instead of letting SD wipe their S@@t on them!!
I still hurt my side but keep it to myself instead of sharing with dh, cos he used to tell her I was hurting which encouraged her !
I really don't get the
I really don't get the pictures of dead relatives at a wedding (not the first time I've heard of that) and I think it's creepy. She can carry pictures of whoever she wants in her purse and dance with them or whatever.
She didn't get a response from you, so she sent Daddy a letter? That's kind of funny. It would be great if that was ignored, also, but I'm sure it was not. I'm sure your husband responded in kind to her gushing, instead of calling her out on her blatant disrespect for his current wife and current life.
Your SD sounds awful and I think your disengagement is the only option you have at this point.
Today we are not speaking as
Today we are not speaking as Sd has convinced him today that she is deeply hurt by not getting a reply from me as she has waited 3 weeks . He thinks the letter was genuine and he is very disappointed that I missed the opportunity for us as a couple to have a better relationship with her.
As always my stomach churns and I start to panic inside but my head is trying to say it's her way of getting to him before a family wedding this week. (The twist ........this afternoon he has declared he does not want to go now as I have made things impossible for his nieces wedding). !!!!
He is blaming me for not accepting her letter as intended. Oh well another night with dinner going in the bin, one of us on the sofa and no sleep.
I never wanted the letter, have not replied, have not said anything, just simply put it in a drawer. Again I am the bad one and the SD is an angel
If she was so sincere, she
If she was so sincere, she would not have just sent a letter in the first place. If she was so sincere, she would have made an actual gesture, instead of just waiting 3 weeks for you to respond and then claim that she is so "hurt".
She has turned his nieces wedding into come kind of memorial and YOU are making things impossible? That is rich.
Whether you accept the "apology" letter or not, is your business. She does not have any respect for you as a couple, why should you, as a couple, have a relationship with her?
He needs to open his eyes to his daughter and her manipulations.
Since DH is putting pressure
Since DH is putting pressure on you to accept her letter, ask him what percent she was "partially to blame" and what part was your contribution.
Ask him what evidence there is that things will be different.
Ask him how he knows SD will treat you with respect. If he can't answer that question, then ask him why on earth he would approve of his wife being in a situation where he did not know she would be treated with respect.
Ask him what were SD's motivations in sending him a letter too.
Any possibility that "maybe she was sincere in wanting to reconcile" went out the window since she sent a letter trying to butter up daddy.
Your SD is really good. Mine is the same. She knows your DH is upset. And that's exactly why she sent him the letter. To cause further strife.
ETA: I agree he needs to open his eyes to his daughters manipulations. He will never see them if you are involved and pointing them out; he will just get defensive. So if you are not involved he cannot point the finger at you when her little games arise. I also am suspicious of the timing of sending letters before family wedding.
We have the same SD. When
We have the same SD. When this is how they navigate their way through their lives to get what they want, it is difficult to change. They need an incentive, and when manipulation works, why stop?
SD sent Daddy a letter telling him how wonderful he is because she failed to bait you. Excellent job, Ava64! This also is right out of my OSD's playbook. When she knew or suspected we were arguing, she started telling him how wonderful he was, even via text. "You're the best daddy I could have ever had. I am so lucky to have you in my life. God bless!"
What OSD was really doing was trying to force a comparison between she and I. Your SD likely expected her letter to have thrown a wrench into your marriage. Who would daddy choose when she was being sooooo nice to him and you were arguing with him? So a few months from now when you are still married, don't be surprised if SD turns on the silent treatment to dad. She didn't get her way. Mission not accomplished. DH must be punished. That's where my OSD is right now. I know her wheel's are churning, trying to figure out what to do next. She's already started with the trying to guilt daddy by telling him she had to go to counseling since he defended his wife rather than her.
Daddy likely did not ignore the letter, but that's ok. He has the right to have a relationship with his child. You have the right to stay out of a toxic environment.
Just stay back like you have. I was one of several people who advised you to not send the letter (I had an old ID then). When you put stuff in writing she has a prop to show others to gain sympathy about how eviiiiiiilllll an SM you are.
The pictures of dead mom at the wedding are just another tactic. Stick around on this forum. Since you and I have the same SD, in addition to some others, we can really help each other out!
HereIAM, the visual of someone dancing with a picture frame cracked me up this morning! Thanks!
Seriously, how rude.
Seriously, how rude. Pressuring her cousin into putting photos of her deceased aunt up at her wedding. This is a celebration about two living people joining their lives together. I can't imagine bullying someone into displaying photos of my deceased father at their wedding, it's totally out of place. A separate memorial lunch is one thing but not a wedding. Honestly most of her relatives will likely roll their eyes that she's still shoving her mother down everyones throats.
Sacrificial lamb, yes it
Sacrificial lamb, yes it sounds like have the same SD. The inventiveness is out of daddy's comprehension. Today everything he has texted (we are at work!) is coming from SD. I know the things she says 'we see more if my family than his, she was trying to make him the happiest man in the world by writing to me!, that she wants people to remember the fun times her mum with love at the wedding (of course the photo will have my dh , late wife and her in a happy scenario), etc
I am tired of getting a text from dh which then starts another episode of me trying to defend myself, him saying how wonderful it is that his princess wants to make an effort, more dinners and sleep ruined, it just never stops.
Had we both not put our resources into a new home and my son is still at home (22), I would run for the hills.
If any woman is distraught enough to have to search this forum for her sanity and isn't yet married, I would strongly suggest running!
Ignore the SD-sponsored text
Ignore the SD-sponsored text messages. Only reply to him "I support your relationship with your daughter. I have the right to live my life in peace." And leave it at that. You will never win debating with him about situations and what the intentions of his special snowflake are. We also have the same DH. They only see things at face value; they cannot read between the lines or even envision that some times people have hidden agendas.
The wedding is about the new married couple, not getting everyone else to remember the fun times with her mum.
You are able to pull your resources out of a home and your son is 22. Don't let those things hold you back from making the right choices for your life.
" 'I support your
" 'I support your relationship with your daughter. I have the right to live my life in peace.' And leave it at that." Spot on!!! Please start focusing on yourself and what makes you happy. SD is SOOOO vicious! I can not believe anyone would expect a bride to show pictures of a dead aunt at her wedding. It won't impress other people who attend the wedding.
Your DH is asking too much of you. There needs to be some equalizing in your marriage. You do not owe it to him to cater to SD or put up with her nonsense. Be strong, continue disengaging. Simply refuse to discuss SD with DH. I would start saving up for a possible exit if he continues to expect you to bend to his and SD's wishes.
Yes, all this. It's hard at
Yes, all this. It's hard at first when you've been so enmeshed in *their* drama but it gets easier the more you step away from it. His relationship is with his daughter and he is 100% responsible for it. When you get that you can drop all expectations, communications and drama. The most you ever have to say is "Oh?" or "Hmmm..." References to the Karpman Drama Triangle have been shared often on this site, it definitely refers to your situation.
http://powerofted.com/the-drama-triangle/
She's really got some issues with her mother's passing, it's like she's stuck back when BM was alive and times were *good.* I know it's hard to lose a parent but everyone dies eventually and life continues for the living. My only suggestion is to have DH offer to pay for some grief counseling for SD if he really wants to help her instead of continue to enable her. I would mention it only once and never bring her up again.
AVA - were you talking to me?
AVA - were you talking to me? LOL. I do not have a ring on it, and am very distraught.
Sounds like you found some (temporary) solace here, but it also sounds like SD is "game on" with her continued manipulations. Doesn't she have a job/husband, or something to get her off of daddys a$$? It sounds like they have an unhealthy relationship.
Im sorry that you have spent so much time and resources pursuing someone who doesn't want you around.
Im lucky in that one SD likes me and the other is now indifferent (due to my disengaging).
Well, SD has convinced Dh
Well, SD has convinced Dh that the letter took a lot for her to write and is very upset I didn't accept her apology. She has now convinced DH it would be too hard for her and him to be at a family wedding with me being ungrateful after all her effort! DH has had a big rant about me being ungrateful to SD (I haven't had a birthday or Christmas card from her since we married 4 years ago) and she played nasty games so I disengaged a year ago. I have had no contact with her so she couldn't twist anything, yet no contacted has given her more ammunition. He has completed defended her as usual, and decided that princess deserves a happy time at her cousins wedding without me there so he has cancelled our invitation. He has told family, he feels he cannot attend as his wife and daughter cannot get along and it's too awkward!
Of course I suggested he goes without me but he would rather sulk than go. SD and gang will now be able to blame me for DH not going and she will be able to tell everyone what a big effort she made (a 5 page letter which said she was partially to blame then 4 pages of but.... poor me.... it's not fair.... what an amazing relationship she and he had before he met me , about the amazing memories she has of her mum and dad etc.
When something happens like this, he always makes it worse by throwing untrue comments and completely resents my children visiting my family. He throws all the toys out and everything is awful.
It was a big birthday for me this month so wondering if SD didn't like the happy photos of us on our first holiday together (and a honeymoon after 4 years!) that he posted on social media. I am guessing this ignited her latest vendetta of manipulation.
Why do men refuse to see the games, their princesses play? when SD 'cries' and pours her heart out (crocodile tears), he immediately believes anything. Of course the line 'I wish mum was still here, I miss her' makes him mush and gives her permission to play the victim role.
Yes, this situation tells me
Yes, this situation tells me that if I ever receive a letter from my identically manipulative poor victim OSD, I am going to send back a quick letter that says "Thank you for your letter. I accept your apology." Previously I thought I would not acknowledge any communication from her. Because I can accept her apology yet still keep my distance. And then she would have less ammunition to complain to daddy. Then I could just have something else to do every time an event came around. My "accept everything at face value DH" would acknowledge I accepted her apology and then have to deal with his DD bursting into flames on his own.
I agree this couple would benefit from counseling....DH needs to hear some outside perspectives.
I think you said the wedding
I think you said the wedding was this weekend? If I were in your spot, I would schedule myself a quick trip to get out of the house. DH would be a bear all weekend playing victim and blaming you for it. And with you not being there, he may turn around and go to the wedding anyway.
And then for the rest of the week, I would repeat to DH "the relationship is between you and your daughter. " I believe you said she had been punishing him for some time? Tell him the sincerity of the letter is not the issue - they need to make sure their relationship is repaired before bringing you back into the mix. You're happy to be involved again when you know their relationship is solid. Because if there are issues between the two of them, you will always get the blame.
Avoid discussing it with DH the rest of the week. It's boiling over right now and needs to cool down. When these issues with DH come up, my first need is to have validation from DH that I am important (a key need for females). When DH is in "defend the royal princess" mode, we SM's don't get the validation we need, which makes us madder, more upset, and in my case, get louder. My struggle now is learning to bite my lip. So so hard!
Holy moly, I just saw you are in my favorite country! Go away for a short weekend trip! I'd be heading right to the Isle of Skye with my camera.
You can't win, you talk to
You can't win, you talk to her and you lose, you don't talk to her and you lose. What does your DH want to do magic erase your mind and all the shi* SD has pulled over the years?
I'd tell him to knock himself out spending time with his family, I'd go as far as to suggest that maybe he could leave tonight and spend the rest of the week with her while you enjoy some alone time.
Her bio says "therapist".
Her bio says "therapist". Then she is uniquely qualified to aid in her soon-to-be-SD's happiness, although she only came to this site to stir the pot. If she had taken the time to read the OPs post, her SD is NOT the bride who wants to display a picture of her dead mother - she is her cousin - and her mother is not even related to the people getting married - they are on her father's side.
Here is what the typical SM on this site would advise for your niece. See how far off it is from what yours would be.
- respect that her father is a man, who, like other men, desires the companionship of an adult woman. SD does not have the right to dictate how her dad lives his life.
- do not rely on your father to be your sole source of emotional validation. If she has issues with her parents divorce or her mother's death, it is not the SM's fault. Get help.
- she has the right to have her father in his life. But the more she accepts that the SM is part of his life and treats her with respect, her life will be much easier.
- that marrying another woman does not diminish the love a father has for his daughter. They are two completely different sentiments. Many of we SM's have our own children and we understand that.
- We are not your personal punching bag when you are not happy with your life in general.
- Your father is also not your personal ATM machine. If you are fortunate enough to have your college and wedding paid for, thank your lucky stars and be grateful.
- that causing a war with his wife may enable SD to win a battle, but if he loves his wife, the SD will eventually lose the war. As a therapist, you know that men place their comfort, especially as they age, above all else.
- the world does not revolve around the SD. Become responsible, have your own life and interests.
On my way out the door but
On my way out the door but just had to drive by and say what a huge betrayal from your dh that he announced to the family that his wife "can't get along" and so not going to wedding.
You know what? It seems to me that SD had a great teacher. He has thrown you to the wolves and made himself out to be the victim.
If he is willing to do that in such a public way this is a very bad situation.
Paging man with yellow hat to
Paging man with yellow hat to the customer service desk. Your lost monkey is ready to go home.
Wicked, can I give you a big
Wicked, can I give you a big smooch?
former therapist, you left
former therapist, you left that part out
That could mean DECADES ago.
That could mean DECADES ago.
former is former I am
former is former
I am guessing that when she practiced, she was one of those who hated SMs??
Awfully judgmental for a therapist.
Awfully judgmental for a
Awfully judgmental for a therapist.
My thoughts exactly. Judge Judgey McJudgerson with ZERO experience in this type of situation.
i TOTALLY expected something
i TOTALLY expected something else when i clicked on his in 'recent comments'...
LOL!!!
LOL!!!
correction -> *this.
correction -> *this. "clicked on this".
~MWAH! The very wisest of
~MWAH!
The very wisest of therapists can be retired and not have read a single book or innovative paper since.
Regardless, a BM who is solely a BM and has never experienced what it is to be a SM, cannot relate in any way, shape, or form to the trials and tribulations of Step-parenting. Period. Dot.
pretty sure Curious is one of
pretty sure Curious is one of those who looooooves GUBMs and can't understand why the new wife would have the balls to interfere with HER xh or HER child.
Unless they adopt...
Unless they adopt... }:)
But I guess the SM's deserve
But I guess the SM's deserve the lifetime of crap so many of us deal with.
Honestly, I wouldn't be
Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised one bit. I think you are probably right.
But I'll give Curious the benefit of the doubt for the sake of discussion.
Ok, I'm back. You know what?
Ok, I'm back.
You know what? I would go to the wedding without him. I would make myself very popular. Give the couple a very awesome gift. Shower the mother of the bride with compliments. Dance with all the little boys and all the old men. Gush over all the girls. Fawn over the pics of RIP folks, especially BM. "My! Wasn't she pretty! How lovely of bride to think of her aunt. Oh, I'm sure she would feel so honored."
When people ask where is dh, just smile warmly, "He didn't feel up to it, poor dear. But I wouldn't miss it for the world!"
You will take all the wind out of the little schemer's sails and you will even forget all about her. Her own family will think she is nuts.
OR
I would flat out say to dh, "Why are we living like this? You don't seem to trust me or even like me. What are we doing?"
Because, really, the man is making you feel like you are under siege all the time. That is no way to live and I would not. I would call it out into the open.
Like my Dad the former college football player would say, the best defense is a good offense. These people are tag-teaming you and they have you on the ropes. Throw sand in their eyes and get back on your feet. Let them feel the rope against their backs.
Yes, I can switch from football to boxing in the middle of my analogy -- cuz I wants to.
Chief that's amazeballs. Like
Chief that's amazeballs. Like how I covered like 7 or more different sports in that one word?
Love that advice. Ill take it anytime.
Heeheeheehee! Love it!
Heeheeheehee! Love it!
I'm so sorry you're going
I'm so sorry you're going through this
Was her letter actually an apology to you?
If there was an actual "I'm sorry" in there I may have acknowledged that....even just to say 'thanks for that'
Or was it a big long "poor me, I'm a victim, yada yada" letter?
In that case I might say 'how sad for you'
I would not however get into all the lies and nonsense with her, it will only escalate and give her more ammunition
At this point if you made some sort of acknowledgment, hopefully your husband will feel some sort of understanding towards you, even if only that he actually guilted you in to doing something that you would rather not - just to silence another drama causing temper-tantrum from his entitled daughter
I just don't get what is up with these mini-wife jealous insecure SD's
So selfish that they just can't let their father's live their lives, and welcome someone who can make him (and them if they would give them a chance) happy :?
Dear Curious Georgette, Thank
Dear Curious Georgette,
Thank you for taking the time and being caring enough to write so much on my thread on here.
When I met my husband I tiptoed for a very long time to make sure I was always in the background in my husband's life. I insisted when we bought a house it was just down the road from his 2 adult children (both have their own places) to make sure they didn't feel left out. This meant 2 hours a day commenting to work for me every day but more sadly, it meant a 3 hour public transport commute for my 18 year old to get to college (he was already there).
I gave up my Mother's Day with my children and instead, visited his late wife's mother with my husband with flowers as it was always a difficult day for her (though she did have other children).
We didn't have a honeymoon as didn't want his children to feel we were 'enjoying ourselves' while they were getting used to Daddy moving on. (we also only had the children at the wedding as they didn't want other relatives there watching daddy moving on). My family all missed out being there!!
The first time I sweated nervously cooking a meal for the Princess, she turned to Daddy and said how much she missed her Mums cooking as no-on cooks as good as she did. This started the table chat of how naturally mum cooked, always making her favourite dies with such love. I sat there and smiled politely.
We regularly and fondly talk about his late wife BUT when SD does this, she makes comparisons between me and her Mum. This is not acceptable.
After years of smiling polite at the manipulated games only a SD can think of, to save my marriage in the short term at least, I have disengaged from SD. This is not an easy option. It causes a lot of resentment from my husband, I am permanently to blame for princess having hurt feelings. However, I can no longer sit and listen to the bitchy chat and blatant games princess plays.
At the present moment, I am not sure my marriage will be able to cope with this disengagement. Dh has now completely disengaged from me in support of his daughter. So I am preparing for the fact that I may be on my own in the future.
I genuinely hope that you are NEVER subjected to mental abuse from a Step family member. It starts SO subtle you don't see it. It slowly increases, during this time you wonder if it is just you - you doubt your own thoughts, making every excuse for their behaviour You always put them first despite the disrespectful behaviour, believing that love, time and patience will make things better. It doesn't get better because the longer you tolerate it and don't say anything, the abuse is escalated to eventually get you to react.
Sadly for many on here, this tolerance and keeping our mouths shut results in one day saying what we have been feeling for years. never a good idea to do this but everyone has a breaking point.
It's always easier to be a therapist than to live a life which has sleep deprivation, unhappy birthdays and Christmases, day after day of silence, atmospheres, a sick and churning stomach and the fear that al the effort, finances and love you have put into this marriage is going to result in pain, hardship and failure. ..... All because princess wants Daddy not to have a wife.