When is it time to let go?
I am 31, have 2 SS, 25 and almost 19. One lives in TN and the other just south of us. I lived my dream life a couple years ago when I had both boys living with us full time. I always wanted to be a Mom. It just wasn't in the cards for me. So, I took to them like a bee to a flower. I cooked for them, helped with homework, taught both of them to drive, did all I could for them. I also had my MIL living with us, too. So I also became her primary caregiver - she has dementia. It was exhausting and crazy, but I loved it. My older SS took to me rather quickly. We grew pretty close. He came to us after figuring out his lifestyle down south was toxic, and wanted to do better (and he did!). His past caught up with him, and he had to return to take care of things. Hoping some day he comes back.
My other SS has been with us on weekends, holidays, and summer vacations for as long as I can remember. He hasn't been as keen on me as my other SS. But I figured, its okay. I'll still always be there. Most of his issues with me stem from his BM. She only refers to me as "the little town slut" and tells him I am to be ignored, that I am only there for DH, that I don't care for SS at all.. She has spent DH and her's separation doing the same with DH. Telling SS he is worthless, and that the only love SS has comes from her. So this relationship is a bit haggard in a sense. SS is torn between wanting to love his Dad and doing what his Mom wants him to do. 18 years of alienation is bound to take its toll. :-(
But basically, they have their own lives. DH has all but given up on being a Dad because he feels abandoned by them. But I don't want to give up on them. DH wants to focus on it being just us, and has said he wouldn't care if he never spoke to them. I know this is NOT true, its just projection and feeling lost/left out. But things aren't being helped by the fact that neither SS's will call him unless they need something. I've kept an open line of communication with older SS, though its a bit infrequent. Younger SS is just that. Young. At his age, there is only one concern. Girls. And his Mom allows his GF to live with them. So he literally only calls when he wants/needs something. Like a home-cooked meal. His mom won't cook... or clean for that matter. *unknw* So he sometimes visits when I invite him over for his favorite dinners. But that's even rare now. And I usually have to reach out.
So is it time to just move on? Let hubby have his peace and focus on us. Waiting for them to reach out? I don't believe in "writing them off". They are the only kids I will ever have, and would take a bullet for them. But I know better to not force presence on them, too. Letting go just sucks! Any advice on curbing this empty nest feeling? Or how to adjust to adult children?
** I appreciate honest, but no insults please. My DH is a wonderful Husband AND Father. I think he hurts more than he lets on about his boys. Especially since his oldest passed away 2 years ago. That really broke him.** :-(
Losing Respect
DreamQueen doesn't sound like a person who would lose respect for her DH if he changes his mind according to kids' attention...she sounds pretty wise to everyone's feelings and behavior. DreamQueen, I wish you the best, and hope that SSs will come around. You have clearly done a fantastic, loving job.
Futuro, I know what you mean about the "doormat" issue, though, and I struggle not to think of my own DH as being jerked around by his adult kids' requests, or by his own need to do things for them. He doesn't seem to notice whether his kids ask him how he is doing and what is going on with him...It's pretty much about their lives, concerns, and needs. It looks to me like, to them, he is a dad, and not really seen as person with his own life beyond that role. Maybe this is common and I just didn't know it, as my parents divorced and left me and I was always pining for their attention and wanted to know about their lives! My DH is one of those dads who doesn't talk about himself or his interests/activities with his kids...doesn't like to be center of attention...so he rarely is. Wish this were different.
When I was the ages of your
When I was the ages of your SSs, I didn't want much to do with my parents. True, my parents are difficult people -- even now I must steel myself to spend a few hours with them. But it's an age when, as you said, there's a lot of movement (physical and emotional) and they're probably sorting things out with their careers, their love lives, etc. I think when people get married and settle down, they often reach out again to parents they didn't have time for when they were younger.
You were good to them and at least one really responded to that. In time, they may reach out. If the BM made you out to be a bad guy, they may not want to deal with her drama. You put in the work that they will likely remember down the pike if they are decent, thoughtful men. Give it time.