Verbally Abusive 19 year old SS
Hi all,
I'm seeking some advice on how to handle a verbally abusive 19 year old SS. He's abusing his dad, not me. But I worry so much about my husbands health and how much he is hurting and stressed over this a-hole kid.
Backstory-SS barely graduated from High School in 2019. Did not have the grades to go to University so his dad encouraged him to enroll in Community College and transfer to a 4 year school when his grades were up. SS was not overly keen on school (wanted to love in his filthy room and do drugs and work at the local grocery store) but he agreed. He was told it was his choice to do what he wanted but he was not living with us with no plan. He really wants to be a music producer and do that from his bedroom. We said fine, go to school and learn how to. His music career is a joke BTW. He chose school and moved in to student housing where he shares an apartment with another student. Since that time, it has been an uphill battle to keep him going to school and focused. Things continued to escalate and we couldn't even ASK him how classes were going without him exploding us.
Now, he is calling my husband almost daily to scream at him and tell him what a sh*t father he is because he won't give him money to further his music career. He screams that "because of what you make, you should be giving me money to do my music" We pay his cell phone, car insurance, apartment and tuition (we make up the difference of what financial aid does not pay) give him money for spending, food and extras. He says that is what we should be doing and he wants more specifically for his music.
He calls us capitalist pigs because we don't give him money. We live in a modest 1400 sq ft house and drive two paid off cars. We have cc debt, student loans of our own and a mortgage. He has no idea what our financial statement looks like but because we put in new flooring this year from flooring that was 20 years old, now we are rich. Ha! What an ass this kid is.
Do you have any advice on how to handle the interactions with SS? My husband has told him he will listen to his concerns but will not be verbally abused. We've also told him that he is an adult and can quit school to pursue his music career if he wants but that we won't pay his bills. He then says we are holding his living situation over his head and keeping him hostage. I am at my wits end with this kid. I say good riddance but it's easy since it's not my kid. I know my husband is worried about him. He uses and sells and has been for years.
Sorry for the long rant! I am so worried about my husband's health.
Al-anon.
Al-anon.
Your SS is an addict. Maybe a functional one (maybe not), but "money for music" means "money for drugs." The BEST thing your DH can do for his son is to stop paying for everything and let him hit rock bottom. It's also the hardest thing to do. But it's the only chance that abusive jerk has to learn how to live on his own and be responsible for himself.
SS wants money for drugs.
SS wants money for drugs. Your DH needs to refuse to be abused, and cut him off for the time being.
Did the boy ever have to do
Did the boy ever have to do something for himself or was he coddled and handed everything? Fixing that mentality is hard to watch because you do have to cut them off and make them find the answers for themselves.
DH needs to play hard ball with his son but getting him to that point where he can is work. I'd spend some time talking about DH's journey to adulthood and get him to understand how any struggles and failures he had actually were lessons that helped him mature. You might also find out the roots of his weak parenting style. My DH and I have talked lots about our childhoods and how that shaped us. It does help each of us understand why we do what we do when it comes to parenting.
This is ridiculous. Your DH
This is ridiculous. Your DH has to find his spine, hang up on the kid and shut off the money spigot. Why is he funding someone who is doing nothing and being nasty to him to boot? Who cares if it's his kid, the only way he's going to learn is if he has consequences for his actions.
I'd be hard pressed to respect my DH if he allowed this. My SS is 20, lives with BM and does absolutely nothing with his life; and if he ever insisted DH had to pay for him as an obligation, DH would laugh in his face and hang up.
My husband has told him he
My husband has told him he will listen to his concerns but will not be verbally abused.
It sounds like your DH has set his boundary, now he has to hold it. If your SS calls and starts to get abusive, your DH needs to remind SS that he won't take verbal abuse and end the call immediately.
He should also set a boundary around money. Remind SS of what you pay for, tell him that, that is what he should expect to receive and say he will not listen to any further demands for money.
You can't change an abuser, you can only change the way you respond to him.
It is for drugs...... Things
It is for drugs...... Things will back up on him. If he blowing off school, he will get his financial aid cut off and eventually kicked out.
I would cut him OFF! He is technically and ADULT, & with his
horrible defensive behavior!
He is an addict. There will never be "enough money" for anyone who's addicted to anything. Whatever he's on could be the reason for his ugliness, I don't know that thought.
He doesn't want to visit about school or his grades because, given his history, they are probably lousy. Most colleges require AT LEAST a GPA of 2.5 to continue to receive financial aid. He is responsible for his own demise. You all should NOT be financing this jerk's lifestyle.
Your DH needs to stop taking his calls. His son cannot behave in a respectful manner, and there are consequences for that. GIve them.
I'm so happy you got to replace your 20 year old floor, you rich woman you!