Don't let her move in with you - but I guess you know that already. Threaten to leave your husband if she should do so. That is what I have had to do with my DH in case he decides to let one of my SDs come and live with us.

:jawdrop: I have no idea of you guys' finances, but might it be worth seeing what water and elec cost to connect, then lending them that? Just for the peace of mind?

:jawdrop: again, see a lawyer fast

His daughter always comes first you say.............Well, she is a 42 year old grown woman and if your husband is putting another woman first why are you staying. The reality is it is somehow acceptable to you for him to put this 42 year woman ahead of you because she is his daughter. Ask yourself what you would do if he was putting any other woman ahead of you, how would you react to him treating another woman like this. Would you be so hesitant to leave, would you be worried about telling him to stop supporting another woman,would you allow him to move another woman into your home, a woman he cared about more than you, I don't think so.

It doesn't matter who the woman is, even if it is his daughter, the reality here is he is putting the welfare and wellbeing of another woman ahead of his wife. You say if you threatened to leave, he would probably be okay with that, so, do you really want to be with him.

Thing sound pretty bad now, if he moves this woman and her family into your home they will only get worse, so I think this time you really do have to put your foot down and your husband needs to make a decision, does he want to live with you or his daughter and you have to accept his decision or live with this for the rest of your life.

He has created this woman, he has put his hand in his pocket and supported her all her life, he gave her a fantastic start by buying her a house and she in turn has decided he is an idiot and is treating him accordingly. She's right though, he is an idiot, he cannot see past this woman, he cannot see she is using him and abusing his love for her, she is manipulting him, and worse still, clearly her husband is to, he doesn't sound any better than her. Your husband is the only one who can stop this, and to be honest, if he is still treating his daughter like this when she is 42 I don't like your chances of anything changing now. So, the only chance you have of changing the way things operate here is for YOU to make the changes. You will have to decide what you will and won't accept in your home, and you will have to stand your ground. I agree with poodle, it wouldn't hurt for you to see a lawyer because in the long term it would appear that your husband would be putting his daughter's welfare and financial interests well ahead of yours.

you may have more rights than you think, see a lawyer but keep it secret

Okay after reading your response I agree even more with Poodle, you do have more rights here than you realize and you do need to see a lawyer and yes, you need to do it quietly.

If you think you have problems now, should DH pass away before you you may find yourself at an old age in a very bitter legal battle with SD and homeless. It sounds to me that he may well make sure his daughter is taking care of when he goes, but not his wife.

26 years of this, I cannot believe you have put up with this for 26 years.

Please do not walk out until you have seen a lawyer first. After 26 years in this marriage it would seem that you have devoted so much to the marriage that you have not set yourself up for your retirement, and DH hasn't bothered to make sure you are looked after in your old age, well to be fair, he wouldn't have time to do that, he is flat out making sure his daughter and some guy she married are taken care of. So, now is not the time to act in haste, start making plans by all means but do it quietly. DO NOT allow her to move into your home though that is the last thing you need right now.

You really got conned, and dysfunctional parents are the only parents who put their adult children before their wives. Marriages in which one or both parents put the child ahead of their partner ultimately end up in divorce and this is true of bio parents, so if bio parents cannot surive in a relationship where one or both put the kids first what hope do second marriages have of surviving this kind of situation. It is not natural. Children are meant to be brought up to be self sufficient happy productive members of society, they are supposed to be able to stand on their own two feet and loving parents bring them up to be this way, because they are not selfish, they do not want to hang onto their children, they want their children to live happy normal lives, and they certainly want their children to be able to stand on their own two feet and to be able to take care of themselves. Daddies who are so involved with their grown daughters that they treat them as your DH treats his, have serious issues. Your DH has stunted his daughters personal growth, he has failed to allow her to grow up, to become a woman, he has bend over backwards to keep his daughter as "his little girl" to the detriment of his own daughters well being. Look at her, do you think she is a normal healthy well adjusted 42 year old.

Putting her and her issues aside, let us look at what is more important here - YOU and your future. Please think this through, find a way of seeing a lawyer and finding out where you stand legally. Start putting some money aside for yourself, and start realising that your DH is in the wrong here, and given that he has destroyed his own daughter's life, and certainly appears to be making a mess of his own life, maybe he is not looking after yours too well either, so you may just have to start taking charge of it yourself. Start looking out for you, because clearly no one else is. You have no children to take care of you in your old age, so you had better start making plans for yourself. You need a home and you need security, you need someone who cares about you to take care of you, and that person has to be YOU.

There is nothing "normal or right" about this situation or about the relationship he has with his 42 year old daughter, nor her relationship with him, and she has married someone who is just as dysfunctional by the looks of it, because he too is looking to your DH for support instead of supporting his own family. Do you really think you are the one who is wrong here....I dont think so. Step back and have a look at the mess all of their lives are in and ask yourself, is it normal, look back at yourself at 42 were you a grown woman or a child, look at others around you and you will see, your husband has a dysfuntional relationship with his daughter and you are going to pay the price for that if you do not start looking after yourself. See a lawyer. Good Luck.

Please believe your situation is not unique nor is it hopeless. You are in a bad place emotionally right now and I understand that the road ahead looks bleak for you, but I can assure you once you start that first step down the road to looking after you, you will feel much better. Sure it will take a few months to get sorted out, but it will get sorted out if you want it to. I too had to stand up to myself and I thought it would cost the marriage, but I had reached a point were I really didn't care because like you my husband was putting his adult daughter's wants ahead of mine and she who could no wrong was up on a pedestal while I was down on my knees scrubbing floors. Well 8 months ago I refused entry to my adult SD into my home and I told her if she came back I would call the police and have her charged with trespass (I had checked the legalities of this before I made the statement). Now, we are still married and yes the first 3 or 4 months were rocky, but to be honest I think my husband is actually relieved to be away from all the stress that was in our home because of SD too. But whatever happens here, if he wakes up in the morning and says he cannot live without seeing his daughter I would be happier for him to go than to live with a man who cares more about another woman than he does me.

Now, do not let the fact that the home is titled in your husband's name make you feel that it is not YOUR home, it is, you live there and it is your home. I suspect that for the last 26 years he has you kind of brainwashed into thinking that it is HIS and you have allowed yourself to be treated as a guest in that home, a home where he and his daughter think they have more rights than you do, because it is THEIR home. Our home is in both our names but according to the police that made no difference I did not have to allow her into MY home I lived there.

You need some support here, and you do need to find out where you stand legally. Once you have found that out you will be able to make some informed decisions about your future.

Look, the best thing I have ever done in my life is stand up for myself and tell my husband that I will not be treated as second wife, second best by him and I will not sit back and allow him to continue allowing his children and family to treat me as second best. I really hate confrontation, and I have always just taken what life dished out, standing up for myself was never part of my make up. Sure I could stand up for my kids if I needed to, but never for myself. After 8 years of my husband sitting back allowing his daughter to humilated and isolate me, and by his silence condoning it, he unleashed the monster in me. Trust me for that I am grateful. I threw out his daugter and left the door open for him too.

We deserve better than to be treated as second best, we deserve to be treated as a wife not as the cook and cleaner in our own homes. If our husbands prefer their daughter's to us, then our husband's need to go and live with their daughters. For us to put up with our husband's putting anyone above us is ridiculous. Once I realised that is what was going on, I also realised that I did not want to live with a man who was putting another woman ahead of me. That was the turning point for me. I realised that I really didn't have much to lose. I thought I had a marriage to lose, a husband to lose, the man of my dreams to lose, but what I had to lose was my SD's daddy, he was first and foremost her daddy and because he was so involved in her and her life that did not leave him any time to be my husband, so I had nothing much to lse at all really. I think once my DH realised that I had woken up to my situation and had decided not to live with it anymore, I think he woke up to just where this was going to leave him. His daughter was never going to take care of him, and he knew that, she was incapable of doing it, she could not even look after herself. He knew if he chose her he would finish up with nothing, and he had to make a choice because I had reached the point where I had told him to go.

If your husband does not make that choice, if he says he chooses his daughter, then as much as that will hurt in the short term, 6 months a year, two years, surely that is preferable to another 26 years of living with this, another 26 years of being nothing in your own home, of being the woman your husband sleep with only because society dictates he cannot sleep with his daughter, NO, you do not want to be used like that. No one deserves to be treated like that. If you do not stand up and start to make change, your husband will not, trust me, men like this do not. But you can make the difference in your life, and with some support you will do it. You are stronger than you think, just because he has put you down for 26 years and destroyed your self esteem in the process, doesn't mean you can't get it back. Please see a lawyer and make that your second stepping stone to a better life with or without him. Your first step was coming onto this site. All the best. You are not a freak, there is nothing wrong with you, your husband is the one with the problem.

"After 8 years of my husband sitting back allowing his daughter to humilate and isolate me, and by his silence condoning it, he unleashed the monster in me. Trust me for that I am grateful. I threw out his daugter and left the door open for him too."

Powerful oratory, emotionally beat up. I'll remember those words!

}:) Well it took a long long time to get to where I am now, but I truly am grateful that I'm here. I look back with embarrassment at the weak (in love) woman I was. There is an old saying 'Charity begins at home'. I think the same can be said in a sense about love, love begins with self. Not the self centered it's all about me type of self love, but having enough love of self to respect yourself, to acknowledge you have NEEDS that need to be taken care of, to have a bit of pride in yourself as a person. I was brought up to serve, to look after eveyone else, I was never taught that I was okay, I was just a female who's job it was, was to look after and take care of others. I learnt my role well. Then I married the right man, a man who would continue on were my parents left off and I continued to serve, to put his needs ahead of my own, to be what I was taught at home and even in school (truly) to be a "good wife". The trouble was in being the good wife, I became a worthless person.

Well, thanks to my DH I now think I'm okay, there was something odd about him a grown man with a grown daughter and here he was down on his knees putting her shoes on her feet for her. :sick: I mean really.

It has only been 8 months of personal growth for me, but I have come a long way, and never again will I be treated as toilet paper by him or anyone else. I respect others and I have a right to be respected by them. If they choose not to respect me, I have a right to disengage or walk away, and by golly I will continue to exercise that right trust me.

It is laughable that DH actually thought it was perfectely acceptable for his daughter to come into my home humilate me, isolate me from the company, completely act as if I did not exist. It was acceptable for him to insist I go to her home with him, and for her to offer drinks food snacks etc., to every single person in that room EXCEPT ME, and that I should just accept it, not be so touchy, to accept that was just the way she was.....yeah, right that is what I will do for the rest of my life, I will sit back and let his daughter treat me like dog poo, just the way she treats her daddy and in return I will wipe her butt with a nice warm wash cloth for her, and put on her shoes just like daddy. Good Lord 8 years it took me to get up the courage to tell them both to P....off. What the hell was wrong with me. Still as I said, at the end of the day, they both did me a favour, I am much nicer to myself now. Another old saying, no pain, no gain comes to mind. Sure I had all the pain for many years, but hopefully I will have all the gain for a lot more years. Actually I think I will live a long an happy life just to piss off my SD. Good Lord as women we really do put up with too much for too long don't we. I love the road I am now on, ain't moving off here for no one and all thanks to the abuse of DH and his offspring, if only they knew.

Not hopefully Just.tired, you WILL be on the right road, you know things aren't right on your current track, so come over, things are fine here

Tell your sd and her loser dh to sign up for welfare and keep her sticky fingers out of your dh's pocketbook or they will bleed you dry. It's to her loss NOT yours. THIS CAN BRING YOU DOWN FINANCIALLY if your dh's keeps dishing out $$$. Put a sign out for your sd-this is our house and not yours, they already had a house and screwed it up now they should go live in a trailer and move on. If your dh does not like it you will have to make decisions for YOURSELF on what to do and what kind of life you want for yourself. Focus on YOU..
P.S. Don't put up with it and give in because they might interfere & butt in and make your life miserable. Don't make that mistake. "Live and Let Live" DH needs to LEARN to let his bio to grow up. Sounds like he has not done it yet, so beware. THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Good luck.

Ugghh! Do not let her into your home. They will take over and make YOu feel like the one who's intruding on THEIR space. Been there, done that.