Soon to be stepmother....Ugh!
Hello! I am so grateful to have found this place. I need some serious advice and I hope I don't take up so many words, but I don't know if I can get it all in. I am sure i will leave out some details. For the last three years I have been with a wonderful man and we plan to get married. We had beautiful twin girls 2 years ago. This came to a shock to us both and to his adult children.
He has three, a boy (27) and two girls (25 & 20) and the girl has two babies of her own. Here is the issue and it's with the daughters not the son. When he and I got together he had no relationship with them, they never called, except the occasional phone call. I believe in the first three months he and I were dating they called him maybe twice. So me, coming from a huge family, tried to open my home to them and make them feel welcome. I was in the begining very excited to have an extended family. I never tried to "mother" them but tried to be there as a friend. I always asked if he'd heard from them and when he said no would say call them, see how they were. I always initiated everything. Everytime they came over (which seemed to be only for a major occassion) they would be just kinda there. They would show up late, never offer to help and just kind of sit around until they were ready to leave. After about three times of busting my butt to make a nice meal and make them comfortable I said something to their father. Keep in mind in the begining I was pregnant. They claimed (the girls) how they couldn't wait to meet their new sisters and how they wanted to be a part of the new family and do things with them but at the same time were very disrespectful to me in my own home.
Once I had the babies (who were born preemies) I had to fight to get them to understand how things were going to be. We had some rules, some that doctors told us to stick by and some that were my own. Having these twins took me 20 years and yes I became slightly over protective. LOL
They would come over and if I told them the babies were sleeping they would go wake them up. If I told them to not just pick them up they wouldn't listen. I would have to argue with them about how I was going to raise my children. I always seemed to have to defend myself. All it did was cause their father and I to fight. He was more concerned with not fighting with them. As time went on them coming over became less because it was just easier.
Now to say something about his kids. They aren't "bad" people but they just live lifestyles I am not comfortable with and no I am not a prude but there are things I don't want around my babies. His kids all smoke dope, which is fine, if they didn't come over high. They come over hung over, still get into fist fights (thats his daughters) and are in and out of jail along with their boy friends. They don't want to work and seem to think the world owes them.
Well in 2011 we moved to KY to give our twins a rural lifesyle but unfortunetly we moved back to Flordia due to th economy. My life was drama free in KY and now his kids know we are back and tell him to not let me say they can't come around. Truth is, I don't want them around. I don't care if he has a relationship with them but I don't want it around me and my babies. The youngest, her boyfriend is in jail, B&E, that to me is pretty severe. My fiance tells me he totally understands and he will speak with them but I know he hasn't said anything to them yet.
They don't feel they have ever disrespected me which I find sad that they can't see it. I have emailed them in the past, which was the last time we had any contact explaining how I felt, nicely, and they totally twist my words. They blame me for their father not speaking with them, but I never told him not too. I know he has bad feelings about how they live but doesn't say anything to them. I am so concerned about what can come of this. The latest thing, and I find this funny is they threatend that no matter what, my babies would know they were their sisters, even if they had to wait until they were 18 because they shared the same blood. Seriously, it's kinda juvinille to me.
I know my fiance understands and respects where I am coming from but I am so not in the mood to deal with th drama, I have my own things going on and my babies to raise. What I wonder is, am I right that I have the choice of who is around my children, even if that is family? I tried to make things right but it seems like it will never change, so am I wrong for not wanting anything to do with them? I know there are so many people who deal with being a stepparent and I could use all the advice I can get.
I know I say my babies, as if their father isn't around. Of course they are "ours".
I think you're completely and
I think you're completely and totally right to have your rules for your family. Their lifestyles are not in sync with your family values and they have shown zero respect before so why should they be forced upon you and your family. You tried to include his "adult" children (and I use the term loosely) but they still treated you like your opinion, nay rules, didn't matter. My parents have been incredibly supportive of my husband and I while we struggle through this stepparenting thing. His have been total jerks (including his adult brother and two adult sisters). While his parents and siblings have been horrible to me, my folks have sat back and asked what we needed; they respect our rules for OUR family. They actually gave us the advice and thus permission we so needed to have family rules and said they'd respect them even when they didn't agree with them. That made me realize that: damn right! It's OUR family and even though the others are family, too, this family of ours with two young kids is our primary concern. We don't need the extended family stress and anguish. I hope your husband will step up and put down some rules for his adult children. It really should be coming from him and not you. I can totally relate to why you're stepping up (I had to, too) but he needs the guts to stand up to them and lay down the law and then make sure that he speaks for the both of you (because you know you'll become the scapegoat). He needs to stick to the "these are our rules for this family and I am enforcing them". Good luck, sister!
I'm from the UK and don't
I'm from the UK and don't know if legal considerations that would apply here are relevant in the US but there is one big huge reason over here for not allowing people with criminal lifestyles near your children or in your children's home which is that, if you do, the civic authorities can take an interest in what's going on and interfere in your own family life, even to the point of removing your children for their own protection. Parents under UK law in your situation would be seen as unprotective if they allowed these people around. If the law over there is similar, and certainly I'm sure the ordinary morality is, you simply tell DH that as a protective measure you both have to avoid allowing contact to go on and, if he doesn't agree on that point, you go on to make the government interference point. That will win the day if the first protection point doesn't.
How can anyone allow someone who Bs & Es properties into their own home, I don't know. People only loosely connected to the family who do this for a living are going to be casing your joint. Just paint a picture to your husband of you alone in the house, or the girls in their beds one night, and someone like this coming in to do their job in the middle of the night... how can he allow this sort of risk to develop?
BOUNDARIES for gods sake!
All the best to you, you are so doing the right thing
Wow, everyone thank you so
Wow, everyone thank you so much, step aside, you are so right and so are all of you. He told me about his email with her telling him to not let me say they weren't aloud around. I know today he was with his older daughter but I don't believe he said anything. I don't want them in my home period and my aunt even told me right now we can't mesh families and probably wont ever and they can have their "daddy" when he wants to go to them. Disengaging is the best thing. I just dread the outcome but oh freaking well if they don't like it.
The funny thing is he has told me he agrees with me and respects, however he told me today that he was with his oldest daughter and I don't think he said anything. I don't know what he is waiting for and if it's for them to invite themselves over they are in for a rude awakening. Time will tell